AIBU to decline my sisters hen party due to cost and childcare?

[Tairneanach]

My sister is getting married in July 2027 and due to the location it will cost us £700 in travel and accommodation to attend. There is currently a destination hen party being planned for May 2027, 5 days in Ibiza, which is going to cost around £1500 each if the MOHs estimates are correct.

Will I be unreasonable to say I won't be able to attend the hen party? Partially due to the costs, but I also have a severely disabled child and don't think 5 days away will be feasible as it will mean my partner will have to take 5 days holiday from work for me to attend.

I would hope they'd be understanding, but this is my sister's second marriage and a lot of agro was given to me for leaving her first wedding at 8pm due to my child (who was a lot younger at the time) becoming distressed due to the noise, busy environment etc and it was stated that I could just not prioritise him and celebrate my sister since its her day.

Hoping to get some advice on whether this is reasonable of me to decline, and if so what could I say to not cause any drama?

Don't be silly. I don't expect all of my friends to like everything I like. I wouldn't invite a friend who hates dancing to a soul night, for example, but I would go to a film with her another time.

I'm not nercissistic enough to think the way you do.

I think it's polite to be more discreet when it's a second marriage - to have a five day hen do in Ibiza is not appropriate; to expect everyone to cough up for it is verging on delusional. I would politely decline, wish her well and do not engage further on the topic.

You seriously wouldn’t make the effort for a sibling? If they threw a birthday party for example, but party’s weren’t your thing then you’d just say ‘nah, I’ll take you out to celebrate so we can do something I enjoy instead’… I couldn’t imagine being that selfish on a friends special occasion.

Holiday as at a premium when you have kids, so two parents using two weeks, one for childcare and the other for an overboard hen, is just not reasonable at all.

I think that’s a crazy amount of money and five days is really a long time too.

It depends what it is. If it was a camping holiday, no I wouldn't.

I think the estimate probably isn’t right either. Ibiza is crazy expensive!

No it wouldn't hurt him to look after DC for 5 days, but that's 5 days out of his annual leave that they then couldn't use for a holiday together, or to cover childcare in the school holidays.

Totally reasonable to decline. How incredibly entitled to think that friends and family can drop £1.5k and a week’s annual leave to go on a trip of someone else’s choosing??

What is it with weddings and people trying to do a Beckham sized series of events when they and those around them don’t have Beckham sized bank balances??

With 2 weddings 8 years apart I definitely wouldn't be attending another expensive hen do. Unless there's a tragic backstory/widowed etc. Just say no OP. She must be aware of your financial and logistical circumstances.

I don’t get these modern wedding expectings friends to spend a small fortune abroad AND use up limited annual leave days when we often don’t have enough to juggle 13 weeks of school holidays anyways. It’s really selfish. It’s also her second wedding so given you’ve already forked out once this price is even more mental.

Throw in your personal circumstances around child care AND your partner having to not work and being self employed - effectively adding further costs.

Say no, offers local meal instead and honestly if be staying cheaper accommodation too. £500!

I think aside from the very significant financial considerations, having a disabled child really changes the situation.

I'm sure OP could do with a break. But where there's a child with significant disabilities, it's not as easy as handing over to the other parent and swanning off.

Depending on the disability and your child's condition, being a long way away where you can't easily get home isn't always feasible. And even if nothing happens and it's OK, you're going to spend the whole time stressing, just in case.

If you don't have those worries, it can be hard to appreciate just how all-consuming it is to have a child with that level of need.

Apart from that though OP, the financials sound horrific. £1500 as a "base" - so that will probably double at least - plus the loss of income from your self-employed husband's business. Absolutely not.

You've done the right thing here in sending the message to say you can't make it. Don't doubt yourself.

Great post.

The money is arguably the lesser problem than the logistics here. OP may very well be able to get 1.5k in any number of ways. She might have it already. It's at least possible that any financial obstacles can be cleared. What's not going to change is having a disabled child with significant needs.

I think your sister is a cheeky bitch having such an expensive hen and wedding when this will be her SECOND marriage!!

Strikes me as massively entitled to have a destination hen/wedding and expect people to pay to go! She can do as she likes but it's not going to be logistically possibly for you to attend and if she gets arsey, tough, plus it's her 2nd!

I agree it’s the right decision for her not to go for various reasons but I think the OP came on here for everyone to agree that her sister is an entitled bridezilla and it just comes across that she doesn’t really like her very much and that the relationship isn’t great. By her own admission she said they’re not close so yeah, probably for the best she isn’t going. Interesting that her DH wasn’t ‘up in arms’ about the idea but she’s got the validation she was seeking here anyway

Well done. Sure others will decline as well

its an Obscene amount to spend for a hen do

my 2nd wedding (dh 1 died) I did an afternoon tea with bottomless bubbly for those who wanted it v 1 glass v just tea/coffee

think was £50 v £25 v £20 and was local to me and think all came who I invited 25ish friends and family

maybe she will do something like that for you /mum/mil if alive

Why do people think that others would be delighted to go on a hen weekend with others they haven’t chosen to spend time with, may not know, don’t have a say in activities, use precious annual leave and pay through the nose for?

Honestly, even without taking into consideration your child’s needs and husbands annual leave the above would be a hard no.

Your sister sounds hard work OP. You have my sympathies.

I don't dislike her by any means, we just have very different lives so don't really have much in common. That's not her fault or my fault. She is quite flakey but that is just a personality quirk and we have a family joke that she's always going to be late or not turn up. When we talk or see each other it's always on friendly terms but we aren't "close". I understand that I'm a hard person to be close to when I can't do the kind of things she enjoys due to caring responsibilities. My son has cerebral palsy, epilepsy and autism so we have very different lives as you can imagine.

I came on here because I wanted to know a way to broach the subject of me not attending without it coming across like I was trying to be difficult or ruin her celebration. I didn't want the drama hence why I asked how to word things without it causing drama.

Sister has messaged me saying she's disappointed that I can't make the hen party but if I'm sure I can't then there's not much else she can do but accept it. She asked if I would be attending her second hen that she is hoping for, which will be a spa weekend. I've said yes of course I'd love to do that.

I completely understand why the OP isn’t going, and I agree that when it’s a hen do abroad—especially with time away from kids, taking leave from work, and the added expense—it’s not always feasible or appealing for everyone.

That said, I seem to be in the minority here, but I’ve actually had some brilliant weekends away on hen dos! They don’t fill us all with dread!

Honestly, I suspect loads of people will say yes initially and when the costs start adding up (and they will!) most people will drop out. That’ll bump up the costs for those who do go. Far better to be honest and bow out now than pretend you can go and let her down later.
I’m always gobsmacked at how people expect others to fork out extortionate amounts for their hen/stag parties and weddings. I had mine at my local seaside town and we had a right laugh!
Spa weekend locally sounds very pleasant, an ideal break for you and time with her. Good compromise.

Clearly not. Of course if you can’t afford it then non attendance isn’t an issue, that had already been established earlier in the exchange.

Jumping on the quote then to exclaim outrage for those who can’t afford it was therefore redundant. You would have known that if you had indeed RTFT

£1500 and annual leave for a hen do? I'd quickly be telling them to fuck off if they started being arsey about me declining.

Who the fuck do people actually think they are??

I think declining your own sisters Hen needs more than a brief 'no thanks'