AIBU to decline my sisters hen party due to cost and childcare?

[Tairneanach]

My sister is getting married in July 2027 and due to the location it will cost us £700 in travel and accommodation to attend. There is currently a destination hen party being planned for May 2027, 5 days in Ibiza, which is going to cost around £1500 each if the MOHs estimates are correct.

Will I be unreasonable to say I won't be able to attend the hen party? Partially due to the costs, but I also have a severely disabled child and don't think 5 days away will be feasible as it will mean my partner will have to take 5 days holiday from work for me to attend.

I would hope they'd be understanding, but this is my sister's second marriage and a lot of agro was given to me for leaving her first wedding at 8pm due to my child (who was a lot younger at the time) becoming distressed due to the noise, busy environment etc and it was stated that I could just not prioritise him and celebrate my sister since its her day.

Hoping to get some advice on whether this is reasonable of me to decline, and if so what could I say to not cause any drama?

Out of 25, there's no way you will be the only one not going! Funny how 6 women suddenly shot onto the WhatsApp chat group and said they're going - and are soooo excited about it. (When you put your 'no can do' message!) Bit convenient!

I bet at least 4 or 5 others decline, and out of the other 19-20, a further 5 or 6 will not go. (Either will back out later, or will just not respond and hope she gets the message!) It's a stupid amount of money for a chuffing hen do! Not everyone is going to want to spend this, and when people think about it, they will come up with an excuse to not go! (Some of them, not all.) As some posters have said, some people will be relieved that someone else has been the first to say they can't attend ... No-one else will be rushing to decline, as they will let the dust settle from you declining... But a few more will decline... For sure.

A friend of my DD had a hen do in Croatia last year - one of the most expensive places in Europe, and she invited 27 women. 7 declined at the point of invitation - well, within 3-4 days, and a further 6 backed out a few weeks after the invitation (when they were being asked for the money for the booking (£1100 each! And I thought was obscene!!!) 14 went. Just half of what the bride invited! They did all go to the wedding though, that was only 15-25 miles from where most of them lived... DD went to the hen do, but I think she really wanted to go to Croatia, she could afford it, and she has no children, so didn't need to worry about care for them.)

Any response from your sister yet @Tairneanach

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Agree! Crazy money even if it’s affordable! Have also heard more disappointments with these type of hen events than friends just going into local town to party type bars and just having a fun evening.

It comes across as though you’re not particularly fond of her or approving of this wedding, especially with some of the comments you mentioned—so not going does seem like a reasonable decision, alongside the cost and childcare considerations.

Just wondering, was there any option for your DH to leave early with DC so you could have stayed longer at the previous wedding?

€1500 is crazy money for a hen do. Plus you'll lose out on family income as well with your DH being self employed. It's just not practical given your circumstances. You're doing more than enough going to the wedding!

£1500 is ridiculous. How can anyone expect them to pay that amount just for a hen....even for a big destination wedding thats silly money. Does scream self centred to me!

I felt bad my hens paying £160 each for a weekend at Centerparcs.......

We even subbed quite a lot of the accomodation at our kwedding for those who had to make a long weekend of it where hotel prices went above premier inn level prices! I think we spent 3k on making sure noone would be out of pocket for attending

Sounds like she didn’t actually want you there or she would have sorted something suitable or told the person organising it that it wasn’t.

It's a piss take expecting people to spend that money. Tell her you can't go, there must be others in the same boat. You can go for a meal or something locally seperately. It all seems a bit lavish and ott for a second wedding.

Honestly, if someone just didn’t want to celebrate me because it wasn’t their thing then I wouldn’t make much effort with them anymore.

to "celebrate you" really?

What about the cost aspect? Presumably you wouldn't cold-shoulder someone just because they couldn't drop 1.5k on celebrating you?

I didn’t go to my sisters hen weekend in Marbella. It was expensive and that’s just not my scene. I did arrange a lovely spa day though for people who didn’t want to, or couldn’t go on the hen do abroad

Yes. Typically on special occasions, such as birthdays and weddings, we go out of our way to celebrate the people we love. Sorry if you haven’t experienced that 💐

A good friend wouldn't expect someone to spend 1.5k on them when they can't afford it. And if you guilt tripped them you are a really shitty person and I'd be dropping you like a stone.

So you’re only prepared to be friends with people who can afford to spend lots of money “celebrating you” - nice.

Completely agree. If you read my initial post I said exactly that.

The quote you’ve jumped on was discussing whether it was Ok to not go just because it wasn’t your thing, even if you could afford it.

RTFT

It isn't a birthday or a wedding though is it? It's a hen party and you literally said you would stop making much effort with anyone who wouldn't spend 1.5k on "celebrating you". Sorry you're so materialistic and self entitled 🎄

I have thanks.

“if someone just didn’t want to celebrate me because it wasn’t their thing then I wouldn’t make much effort with them anymore” - that was you.

She sounds hideous. I’d bin it all off.

And on celebrating yourselves you leave all common sense and empathy for the circumstances of others behind ? Not very loving in my book.

OPs sister already doesn't make much effort, so she probably wouldn't notice the difference.

Worth pointing out also that there are going to be a lot of people for whom the time off work is more precious than the money. This is especially so for the self-employed like OPs DH, when it's not necessarily as simple as taking some unpaid leave if you need it.

You have a disabled child and you can't afford it. That's that. If your sister had wanted you to be at hen do badly enough, she should have considered those factors before deciding on an expensive Ibiza jolly.

Sometimes there are things that always have to be prioritised over all else, and your DC with additional needs is one of those.

insane amount of money. Just be blunt and don't get roped in. Your own family could have a really good holiday and a break with that kind of cash.

Where in OP’s post does it suggest or even hint that she doesn’t approve or isn’t fond of her sister ? Lots of posters displaying little understanding of the needs of a disabled child. Often mum is the primary carer so not so easy to pass caring responsibility onto dad without upset to the child. And five days away from the child in most circumstances would be difficult for both mother and child. It isn’t just a case of getting on a plane and forgetting everything at home.

Good god. In another 8 years time will she be expecting you to fly out to The Taj Mahal for wedding no 3? After he 3 grand hen do in Phuket?