AIBU to decline my sisters hen party due to cost and childcare?

[Tairneanach]

My sister is getting married in July 2027 and due to the location it will cost us £700 in travel and accommodation to attend. There is currently a destination hen party being planned for May 2027, 5 days in Ibiza, which is going to cost around £1500 each if the MOHs estimates are correct.

Will I be unreasonable to say I won't be able to attend the hen party? Partially due to the costs, but I also have a severely disabled child and don't think 5 days away will be feasible as it will mean my partner will have to take 5 days holiday from work for me to attend.

I would hope they'd be understanding, but this is my sister's second marriage and a lot of agro was given to me for leaving her first wedding at 8pm due to my child (who was a lot younger at the time) becoming distressed due to the noise, busy environment etc and it was stated that I could just not prioritise him and celebrate my sister since its her day.

Hoping to get some advice on whether this is reasonable of me to decline, and if so what could I say to not cause any drama?

When your sister is having a 5 day overseas hen at a cost of £1500 plus spends, on top of the wedding being 6 hours away and with an instance of staying at an expensive venue overnight, I don't think anything beyond a brief no thanks is warranted at all.

Wow. Even the spa weekend will likely cost a lot!!

why do so many people have multiple hens nowadays. Where does all the money come from??

I think you’ve done the right thing. I noted you said the 1.5k was a base estimate. Base meaning they’ll be extras. And now with fuel and food going up too, by 2027 the cost will have risen a lot.

Base cost is £1.5k estimated.

I read that to mean "flights and accommodation" is approx £1.5k. That's the base cost. Food, alcohol, matching outfits, cost of compulsory activities etc. etc. are all extra and will spiral out of control.

I think you made the right decision.

£1500! That’s ridiculous! Not many could afford that, even if I could I wouldn’t, what is it with hen dos costing so much. And it’s not just the cost as you say, leaving your child, your partner having to take time off work etc, I’d just be honest, and if she insists on having a hen do abroad she needs to understand bit every she wants there will be there.

Apologies if I picked up on a negative tone or judgement that wasn’t there.
From your update, it sounds like she really does value your presence—she’s disappointed but understanding, and has suggested something that works for you both. Glad it seems to have worked out for both sides

She is having a SPA weekend too?!

No you are not being unreasonable.

1. You cannot afford it and 2. It is totally impractical for 5 days for most with children let alone a disabled one

She should understand. You are making the wedding and thats the main thing.

My sister gave me less than 5 months notice that she was getting married abroad, no direct flights so with change of flights etc it was a 24 hour journey each way and 2k each for travel. Theres 4 of us. Plus a hotel for 10 days as there were 2 days of pre wedding celebrations and a dress rehearsal and then a party the day after the wedding as well. So would have cost in excess of 12k for the 4 of us with food, transport whilst there, outfits etc etc. We were expected to take the kids off school and get fined, take time unpaid off work as we had both used all of our holiday and the best bit was because we had been to Cuba we needed visas which took 9m to get 🙄
I therefore missed the wedding as it was just impossible to get an appointment in time. She's been vile over it. You will soon find out if your sister is reasonable and loves you or if she is self absorbed and entitled like mine is.

I suppose the only good thing was at least we didnt have to get a loan out to pay for it all.

Weddings have got totally out of hand but so have people's expectations. What happened to a nice meal with everyone which is what I had many years ago? It should be about family and friends not being as Flashy as possible

Far better as will be much cheaper and more local and maybe one night away if stay over but can be done in a day

A spa weekend too? Seriously OP she is too much. How many times do you need to celebrate her getting married a second time?

Look after you and your family, if I were you I wouldn't be spending money to go on a hen do for a sister who doesn't understand my child's situation.

I mean leaving at 8pm first time around is unreasonable to fair. £700 to get the wedding it s ok not too bad but £1500 for a hen yes it’s too much!!

you didn’t attend alone at least? I would be equally annoyed with you.

She was unreasonable for putting her young, disabled child’s needs first?

Yes, come on! No need for such a drama! i mean for one night. The dad could have stayed with the kid after 8pm. What’s the issue?

God I wouldn't be annoyed. The bride was asking way too much!

5 days isn't a 'Hen Do', it's just a holiday. It sounds dreadful too, I definitely wouldn't be going. Always seems a bit attention seeking when people opt for such ridiculous do's just because they are getting married.

So she’s having a second hen do on top of this one, and this less than ten years after her first wedding!

At least she has accepted gracefully that you won’t be going to the overseas hen holiday.

Seriously?
A young, distressed, disabled child was less important?

Some people just have no idea

I wouldn't have felt comfortable staying while they left when my child was distressed from a long busy day and therefore more at risk of an epileptic seizure. The wedding ceremony itself was at 1pm so we stayed for 7 hours after the ceremony but left once we started to realise he couldn't cope anymore, as not to ruin her night. I guess I could have stayed longer while my partner took him home, but I prioritised his safety. He has cerebral palsy, epilepsy and autism so quite a complex profile of needs and back then we were still learning.

Some narcissistic and heartless people just have no idea. Ignore these stupid comments.

I was going to say yanbu without even reading the details, but taking into account the costs involved and your child’s needs YADNBU
And she should be able to see that, family relationships work both ways, she can’t expect everything her own way, however extreme, just because she’s getting married (again)

The second hen is still a weekend away- i cannot imagine expecting this of friends unless they were all pretty much ladies of leisure with substantial funds for that kind of thing.

£1500? It woukd be a no thank you.

It’s a bit OTT to have a wedding where you insist guests stay at a hotel which seems to be £250/night, a £1500 Ibiza hen do & also a spa weekend. Bearing in mind it’s her second wedding in 8 years. Who can afford to attend all of these events?

YANBU to not attend especially in the context of your son’s medical needs. She is being a bit of a bridezilla.

I never said the kid to stay. It absolutely makes sense to leave. But he/she can go home with his dad and the mum can stay longer. so How that is weird?? You never ever separate from your kids for a couple of hours??? It looks like the kid has a dad. If he/she didn’t then it would make sense for the mum to go

Tbh with 3 children and cost of living we would have to say no to most of it. People are fast to spend other people's money today.