AIBU to decline my sisters hen party due to cost and childcare?

[Tairneanach]

My sister is getting married in July 2027 and due to the location it will cost us £700 in travel and accommodation to attend. There is currently a destination hen party being planned for May 2027, 5 days in Ibiza, which is going to cost around £1500 each if the MOHs estimates are correct.

Will I be unreasonable to say I won't be able to attend the hen party? Partially due to the costs, but I also have a severely disabled child and don't think 5 days away will be feasible as it will mean my partner will have to take 5 days holiday from work for me to attend.

I would hope they'd be understanding, but this is my sister's second marriage and a lot of agro was given to me for leaving her first wedding at 8pm due to my child (who was a lot younger at the time) becoming distressed due to the noise, busy environment etc and it was stated that I could just not prioritise him and celebrate my sister since its her day.

Hoping to get some advice on whether this is reasonable of me to decline, and if so what could I say to not cause any drama?

How was she going to do that when she needed a visa that took 9 months to get, but was given only 5 months notice?

That’s BS. Sorry to say that but a very simple google and you ll find out that it doesn’t require that long no matter what passport you hold. Usually it’s a few days to weeks.

You don't know the dynamic. DD was medically vulnerable as a child and DH was as competent at looking after her as I was, but when she was distressed or ill she wanted her mum not her dad. The OP didn't want to risk her child having a seizure, so they left.

You still don't get it.

As the poster didn't specify which country the wedding was held in but did say it took 9 months to get visas, what exactly did you google?

I presume Cuba the way it is phrased but no matter where the wedding was common sense says that even if she needed 9 m for a visa the same it would be for the couple that was getting married and many of the guests. So clearly something is off there.

You've done the right thing in saying no right from the beginning of the planning. Best to get it out of the way and give everyone clarity.

I wouldn't go in your position. I doubt you know many of the others.

Have a nice meal and family celebration. You don't measure love or celebrate marriage based on five day trips abroad.

I'd be careful not to over apologise because you've done nothing wrong and trying to say sorry often gives the impression you are somehow in the wrong (especially to the unreasonable). If she kicks off, ask if she can look after your son so you and your husband can have an anniversary celebration (I know she can't/won't but if celebration of marriage is everything.....)

If you have any spare money, I'd be extending the trip to Cornwall for some family time. A lot of the caravan parks have adapted accommodation etc. It's a long journey for two nights, especially with a disabled child.

She said she needed a visa because she's been to Cuba. That would be an odd way to phrase it if she were talking about Cuba. Additionally, the UK absolutely does have direct flights there, as a very simple google would've shown you. I suspect I can guess where this wedding was, actually, but I won't say it in case the poster doesn't want it included. It's quite a bit further away than Cuba though.

Additionally, common sense does not tell us that because most people haven't actually been to Cuba. If the bride and groom never have, they may not even have known that the country they were going to would to impose additional visa requirements because of somewhere a couple of guests once went on holiday to.

I have an idea which country they are talking about, and it can take several months to get a visa if you have been to Cuba. Nine months is a ridiculous amount of time to wait though.

Sorry but the OP said that that if she goes to the hen for 5 days, the partner will need to get 5 days off which is of course it’s a lot and it doesn’t make sense to do so. But she never mentioned that that the kid could not be the dad alone for sometime other than the issue with the annual leave. So that’s why I found it strange that she couldn’t stay longer on the day of the first wedding.

Who exactly gave you grief for leaving with your disable DC from the first wedding - at the reasonable time of 8pm under the circumstances? Do they care about your DC? Is she the bullying older sister? Don’t be bullied. Just say you can’t but happy to arrange a night out for those who can’t like you suggest. How old is this entitled Bridezilla?

I've explained this to you in a message where I tagged you. 8 years can make a lot of difference in terms of knowing your disabled child's triggers and how to support them.

Just seen your update. Well done. Spa day in uk would be much more reasonable.

Yes it was the sister and her exH. Sister is now 38 but her response yesterday seemed okay, or at least she accepted that I couldn't attend :)

12k to go to a wedding? That would absolutely be a no from me without even considering the unpaid leave, kids missing school, 24 hours travel x2, and 5 months notice!

I'm amazed that she would even expect that of you and your family. Self absorbed for sure.

You need to practice your reading comprehension.

Devastated? Are you generally one for dramatic responses?

If a bride chooses a destination hen do, she will have to learn to cope if people can't go, for whatever reason (money, kids, lack of annual leave etc).

Unless pp's child is also severely disabled like OP's child, surely what she does with her own child is irrelevant?

OP left the last wedding because her child was distressed and at a higher risk of a seizure. Is a wedding you've already been at for hours really more important than that? I don't think so.

Could you boy go for a shorter period such as 3 days? The break might do you good!

Absolutely not! The kids health is of course priority. I just commented based on OP’s main post that she doesn’t mentioned anywhere anything about seizure. If it was mentioned in response to another comment I haven’t seen that.

Sorry I missed that. Yes, it makes sense.

1500 for 5 days in Ibiza? That sounds really expensive 🤔

Nobody should feel they can expect you to spend that much, especially since you have the wedding itself to spend on later on...

It does.. but it could also be a big undershoot as well, depending on what they want to do. Ibiza can be incredibly expensive. Doesn't have to be, but definitely somewhere you could drop hundreds or worse on drinks and eating out in 5 days if you didn't give a shit.

The obtuse responses to the parent of a child with 3 conditions to cope with are staggering. Have you any idea at all if OP's child was well and happy at that time? After a whole day of it? Showing signs of having a seizure perhaps?
What exactly is going to happen after 8pm? Is the music going to get quieter? Is everyone going to start sobering up and dimming the disco lights for the sake of the child? Jesus Christ.

The details about the child’s conditions were NOT mentioned in the original post. I responded to the post without reading all the comments. Also, if it were my child, I might not have brought them to the wedding at all—for their own safety and well-being—and maybe I would have left them at home with their dad. But again, I’m not in her shoes, so it’s hard to judge.
My point is that when you need support, whether in good times or bad, you would expect your sister to be there for you, so it might be nice to do the same in return. That’s all!

You're not unreasonable at all. Be prepared to find out who your sister really is, though. The entitlement around weddings is insane.

EDIT: She has actually already shown you who she is, giving you trouble over leaving her first wedding to prioritise your child, which was mad of her.

Personally, I wouldn't spend that much money on a second wedding hen. She has unreasonable expectations.