AIBU to feel disgusted about DH having lap dance at stag do? I’ve only just found out.

[Internationalwomendayheadquarters]

My DH and I have been married for 12 years. I’ve just found out he had a lap dance at his stag do all those years ago. I feel disgusted that these are his values. If I knew, I never would have married him. To be honest, I wish I did know before.

It’s not even so much about the cheating, but it’s the attitudes towards women which I find so abhorrent. We have now got two little girls and it feels so wrong. I feel like I will look at him differently from now on.

I need to concentrate on what he’s like now. If he’s still a misogynistic pig he has to go if he’s changed his attitude and his behaviours. Well then it was 12 years ago.

How old was he when you got married? I’m not condoning strip clubs or lap dances at any age – I would feel exactly the same as you – but I do believe people can certainly change in this regard and really ‘see the light’. What does he say about it now?

So yes I’d be pissed off about this, but if it was ten years ago I couldn’t be bothered to torpedo and otherwise good relationship over it.

Why didn’t he tell you, and why is he telling you now?

I agree with you and would feel exactly the same as you. Worse, he kept it from you all this time, which would make me wonder if I could trust him. That said, are you happy in your marriage? Is he able to reflect on his previous choices?

I couldn't continue to be with a man that had done this, regardless how many years had passed. Has he been on other stag do's since? Who knows what he still gets up to at them.

Did he lie at the time, or did he just not tell you?

It would matter to me whether he'd chosen to do it and paid for it himself or it was paid for by stupid friends did as a "gift". There were a couple of horrid lads in DH's friend group back in the day who used to foist this type of thing on the groom on stag dos. Unsurprisingly, both now divorced! They aren't as much part of the core friendship group either as they are known for bad drunken behaviour and making unpleasant, misogynistic comments about friends' wives and partners. DH will tell them to do one now, but he didn't have the confidence in his 20s.

Agree with @Solutionssought2026 he needs to be judged on what he's like now if it was 12 years ago. If he is still sexist or thinks that sort of thing is acceptable, that feels different to him saying it was a one off when he was younger and he wouldn't do it now, and his behaviour aligns with that.

Each to their own but it wouldn’t bother me. I’ve had various nights out at male strip clubs while married - it’s all a bit of fun. Not to mention the fact it was 12 years ago. If my DH had suddenly revealed that to me after 12 years I wouldn’t have batted an eyelid. On the assumption the rest of the marriage is good I wouldn’t be destroying 12 years and turning kids lives upside down over it.

I wouldn't be splitting up a family over it unless he made it clear he thinks it was fine and would do it again. I do think stag dos are one of those things where there can a LOT of pressure to act a certain way..if there's one or two men in the group who are hyping it up and putting a lot of pressure on, I can see how someone would go along with it. The fact tbat you had no.idea for 12 years suggests he's not someone for whom this would be a regular thing or something he thought was a laugh.

People change a lot in that time frame (I know I certainly have!). I'd be annoyed but I would judge the situation on his behaviour now not back then.

It's a long time ago .attitudes have changed immensely..how does he feel now.has he been a good husband since .

I know I'm a different person than I was 12 years ago and before children. Surely you wouldn't have made it this far if he wasn't?

@Internationalwomendayheadquarters why are you just finding out now. I’d let it go. It was a stag do. A lap dance is not cheating.

He had kept it from me all these years. I don’t look at him as the same man as he was before.

I don’t understand the hate coming my way about splitting up a family and it being my fault. He is the one who had a private lap dance and didn’t tell me. Why do we always have to blame the woman?

I don’t know. Is there a statute of limitations on this kind of thing? What would you do if you found out he’d done something worse all those years ago?

All Stags going to a strip club are basically forced to receive a lap dance, paid out of the kitty.
There is no ‘No thanks’ as they are forced into a chair while their jeering mates watch on. Then it’s back to the beers and bantz while one or two of the pervs watch the stage shows.

What a way to celebrate a union of two people. Oh I love you forever, let’s get married. I just need a night out first so that I can see a woman, who is being paid, dance naked in front of me.

That doesn’t sound like love to me and I don’t think all men do it. There are some men who would prefer other things.

Not very classy is it? It’s what men did 50 years ago. Yuk.

I understand you are feeling hurt, but I haven’t seen any hate coming your way from the previous posters. How is your marriage now? Is he a good all round decent human being, a good husband and a good father?

If they are going to a strip club, it’s happening. All down to the best man and the most influential in the group.
Your husband could be forgiven for calling himself a victim of a lap dance.

They have done it for eternity, and will continue to do so.
The male psyche doesn’t change, especially en Masse.

There’s no hate coming your way on here, people are just offering an opinion which you asked for posting on here. Don’t take it out on us because you’re hurt.

Not all stags go to strip clubs, and not all stags have friends who behave like Neanderthals and yes I know this for certain about DH he has ducked out of other stags early when people have gone into clubs (and received stick about it) and my brother and dad were on DHs stag. Once you've worked with trafficked women it doesn't seem like 'Bantz'. Men have the ability to say no and to refuse to step inside a strip club.

Yes, it’s gross, but I would rather my DH have had a lap dance over a bj, or god forbid full on sex. Where I worked years ago, the men used to hire strippers for other men for birthdays. I certainly hope it wouldn’t happen anymore.

OP how did you find out.

No one is randomly allocated friends though. He chose those friends and we are normally friends with people who are like us. My H went hillwalking with his mates for his stag do. A lap dance would never have been on the cards.