AIBU to feel disgusted about DH having lap dance at stag do? I’ve only just found out.

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My DH and I have been married for 12 years. I’ve just found out he had a lap dance at his stag do all those years ago. I feel disgusted that these are his values. If I knew, I never would have married him. To be honest, I wish I did know before.

It’s not even so much about the cheating, but it’s the attitudes towards women which I find so abhorrent. We have now got two little girls and it feels so wrong. I feel like I will look at him differently from now on.

Neither but seconded to a police team, he's a MH specialist in criminal justice

And it's what men do every night and every free moment on their phones today. Sadly. It's worse now than 50 years ago

I'd expect him to do some men's group work/ therapy on entitlement if he wanted any chance of recovering the relationship. It takes work and effort to change, lip service is far too easy and you can't go on how he treats the women he loves in his life as change.

Thanks for the psychological profiling.
I’ll seek help immediately.
In fact I’ll invite the OP as well, as they need more help than me for considering ending a marriage over a forced, non-event 12 years ago.

How has this just come to light now, after all these years?

I presume you are single? If not, I pity your husband.
What is his penance for leaving a skid mark in the pan?

If your marriage is happy and generally on an even keel I don’t think what happened on a stag do 12 years ago is a hill to die on.

My ex husband had a stripper. Totally blew me away as had never thought he was like that. He could have said no. I was pregnant too.

When I remarried my partner and I had a separate event and then all joined together afterwards.

Most men don’t go to lap dancing clubs.

Many do.

The ones that do are always coerced by others apparently.

Wow, you're not joking. Perhaps OP should just end the relationship, instead of listing more and more of her DH's faults and transgressions.

So this is just the tip of the iceberg?

There has to be more to this than you are letting on, OP. What has he done over the last 12 years that leads you to believe that this single lap dance a decade ago is emblematic of his character, and has triggered you consider separation?

Have you talked to him about it? I'd feel the same way.

Not all men and stag dos but the majority end up this way yes.
Flip side I've also been to hen parties with butlers in the buff and the occasional stripper so it goes both ways.

DH has been on many stag do about 2/3rds will include a strip club I would say. His didn't but they went on a cycling weekend.

I get that your hurt finding this out so many years down the line. However young care free is not the same husband as you have now.

No they don't, but I was refering to the women who do, you see them out on hen dos shrieking and cackling.
Many hen dos over 20 years and never seen a stripper at one of them ? You obviously hang out with nicer people.

I find this reaction very extreme. As unpleasant as it is, it’s 12 years ago, you’ve had two kids with him, has he been a good husband, has the marriage worked,

if not, then maybe you’re finding a reason to get out. If so, then I can’t align witj your scorched earth approach.

personally I’d be thinking whay a twat, and move on, it wouldn’t occupy more than mere seconds in my mind, as the marriage, the family would take precedence,

It was 12 years ago. Unless there are other issues you’re not telling us about it’s crazy to be letting this affect your marriage. My DH went to a strip club on his stag night. It’s just what men did on stag dos in those days. It doesn’t make him a bad man.

My DH declined someone organising him a stag night to avoid the expectations that go with them.

Was it a private dance or a stripper in front of him and all his mates laughing? You've said private dance which would really bother me. If his mates organised a stripper in front of everyone I wouldn't care as much.
Others may completely disagree and fair enough but I think that does make a difference to how I'd feel about it.

Ok just saw your other threads, you’ve clearly got much bigger issues in your marriage, so I’ve no idea why this issue is the one thay makes you not look at him the same quite frankly, it is mild in comparison to everything else.

It’s a given it was vile behaviour. Why even set foot in a strip club if you respect women? What would he think about men who pay to watch his daughters strip for them?

The question is what you do about it, now you know. That depends on how he’s behaved since and how he feels about lap dancing now. If he’s mortified and appalled with himself that he did it, and has been respectful and kind to you during your relationship, there doesn’t seem much of a problem to fix.

If he can’t see why it’s a problem, would do it again and/or is not respectful or kind to you, time to consider why you want him in your life.

Ah so this is much more than one lap dance at a stag do 12 years ago then.

If his behaviour now is shitty all round, then getting a lap dance on a stag do is a symptom of a bigger problem that's extended into married life rather than an error of judgement while young and dumb.