AIBU to feel disgusted about DH having lap dance at stag do? I’ve only just found out.

[Internationalwomendayheadquarters]

My DH and I have been married for 12 years. I’ve just found out he had a lap dance at his stag do all those years ago. I feel disgusted that these are his values. If I knew, I never would have married him. To be honest, I wish I did know before.

It’s not even so much about the cheating, but it’s the attitudes towards women which I find so abhorrent. We have now got two little girls and it feels so wrong. I feel like I will look at him differently from now on.

@somanychristmaslights this message here is a classic example of blaming women.

@Notmyreality saying that ‘I wouldn’t destroy years of marriage’ Mate, I haven’t. He has been the misogynist, not me.

It was 12 years ago. I'm pretty sure if he was a misogynist you would have realised before now.

That's what I am curious about?

It seems a long time to keep a secret.

Is someone threatening to 'out' him, do you think ?

I feel for you op. It’s a shock after all this time, why has it come up now? I had a partner who went to a lap dancing club after he’d told me he wasn’t going (for his obnoxious friends birthday)
he told me afterwards and it put me right off him, I ended the relationship with him then because his attitudes stank and I hadn’t really realised until the lap dancing: ‘it’s like having a bit of steak waved in front of your face and you’re not allowed to eat it ‘ 🤮

Has he been respectful to you over 12 years of marriage, OP?

Look OP, based on the number of threads you've had on here about issues with your DH this really isn't your biggest issue. If you want to leave him, leave him. You don't need some big catastrophic perspective changing event to leave a man who's clearly a douchebag. Being a garden variety douchebag is enough, lap dance or no lap dance.

It doesn't matter what other people think, or whether it would bother them or not. The issue is that it bothers you, your husband knew that, and you need to put yourself first. If you're really unhappy and will never get over it, then that is no good for your girls. Your feelings are not your fault either and they are valid. You probably should give it a bit of time though to see if you will ever think differently about him.

Is he doing anything to make you feel better about him?

Wow I had no idea men were these helpless, weak beings who couldn’t even say no to a lap dance and were being forced to sit in those chairs up and down the country. Someone should really do something about that.

OP, you have posted about your marriage previously and this is just another issue for you. On it's own most are saying judge on actions now, not a one off 12 years ago. Which is reasonable. But there is so much more going on for you, so the context is important.
It's how you feel and what you want to do going forward.

Exactly, my DH took 8 of his mates to a nice restrained for a meal. Not allen choose strip clubs. I certainly wouldn't have missed a man who chose to go to a strip club. OP has having dad's changed your DH outlook on females or would he be happy for them to work in a strip club giving lap dances? I'd ask him because those women are someone's dad's.

If it was so innocent he should have told you

it was prob arranged as he was the stag and few mins dance while friends cheered 🙄

usually it’s no touching

I went to see strippers for first wedding - that was 20yrs ago when I was young - danced in front of me - obv I had no want or need to grab his willy - was over in minutes

diff is dh knew that was the plan and he was ok about it

as we trust each other

then went for a pamper and nice meal

tho I was 32 and def wouldn’t have done at 42 or now at 52

tho understand you are annoyed

how is he generally over the last 12yrs of marriage

how did you find out.

Try telling the very many trafficked/enslaved women in the UK sex industry that it's only a bit of fun.

No happily married and there are no skid marks my husband cleans the toilets like any other functional human being.

I absolutely agree with you @Internationalwomendayheadquarters that it’s disgusting behaviour. I don’t know how I’d have reacted at the time if he’d done this on his stag do but I would have been appalled.

It doesn’t really matter if other people wouldn’t be bothered because you are.

I do think it’s worth reflecting on the here and now before making any decision though.
What’s he like now, is he respectful to and about women, does he have good values?

How did you find out and how did he react? If he seems genuinely sorry and understands why you are so horrified then maybe you can get past it.

If that’s how you feel then what’s the point of your post or question?? You have a big issue and if you can’t get past it then split up

some woman wouldn’t mind - everyone is different - I personally wouldn’t really be that bothered 🤷‍♀️

Yabvu and probably have other reasons to want to leave your husband

Even Charles Darwin was a prick about "inferior" and "weak " women. But he also said men possessed higher eminence in intelligence.

Sounds like he proved himself wrong in one sentence 😁

This a such a starkly unintelligent response.

Women viewing male strippers does not feed into the broader pattern and harmful issue of humans (noteably women of course) being consumed and commercialised for their sexuality.

It does not condone a long history of humans (noteably women) being trafficked or coerced through poverty into sex work.

Nor does it significantly increase the risk of the worker being harassed, assaulted or exploited.

The existence of male stripping does not shape inequality, erode men’s rights, or increase vulnerability to men as a group.

If it was just being very close to a naked or semi naked woman dancing, it's one thing, if it lead to anything else it's entirely different. He may well have been pushed or tricked into it and may have been pretty terrified. I would imagine for many ordinary men it would not be a pleasant experience. You know him best.

They still do those things and more, it's not relegated to the good old days. Probably much worse now.

Boys will be boys, right?

There have been a couple of stag threads recently which I have read to DH. His comment, "this is why I don't go to stag dos anymore."

Ours is his second marriage. Before his first his friends took him to Amsterdam which as you might expect included a visit to a strip bar. I think it would be very hard to decline when the social pressure/expectation is to go along, particularly where others are paying.

Before our wedding he told them he was organising his own stag as he didn't want a repeat of the previous situation. Crazy golf followed by a trip to the pub for a couple of beers with a group of good friends/family, kids welcome (our then 3 year old was there).

I wouldn't take his first stag to be a reflection of my dh given his rejection of that situation the second time round and the completely different activity he organised when he was in control.

Only you know whether your husband's is a reflection of him. What is his attitude to stag dos generally? Has he been to others since? Has he organised any?

I’ve just looked back at your previous posts because someone else mentioned them @Internationalwomendayheadquarters

There’s a long history of abuse, controlling behaviour and a disgusting attitude towards you and all women. This is the least of your problems and you really do need to get you and your kids out of this relationship.

You attitude seems weird to me Op. You have been married 12 years, and had 2 DD's. I imagine every single day, your DH has shown his true self. He has supported you by actions and words, (presumably) has demonstrated that he is not a misogynist. (Presumably) he is along side you raising your DD's to be independent thinkers, who believe their right is equality. Yet 12 years ago, probably under pier pressure, he had a lap dance (which is fairly common on stag do's) and you want to end your marriage.
If you once had a girls night in and watched Magic Mike would you expect your DH tofeel the same as you?
It's strange when ever I see images of these male strip shows, it always seems to be women only audiences.

This.

Op a lapdance 12yrs ago would be something to get over if he was a lovely dh but he isn't is he .