AIBU to feel disgusted about DH having lap dance at stag do? I’ve only just found out.

[Internationalwomendayheadquarters]

My DH and I have been married for 12 years. I’ve just found out he had a lap dance at his stag do all those years ago. I feel disgusted that these are his values. If I knew, I never would have married him. To be honest, I wish I did know before.

It’s not even so much about the cheating, but it’s the attitudes towards women which I find so abhorrent. We have now got two little girls and it feels so wrong. I feel like I will look at him differently from now on.

From previous threads:

• he physically repulses you
• he is racist
• he is sexist
• he times your children’s meals so they end up with indigestion
• he makes rancid comments about other women in front of your young daughters
• he never stood complaining
• he showers twice a week and leaves greasy yellow stains all over the sheets.

I think the lapdance is the LEAST of your worries @Internationalwomendayheadquarters

Youre not unreasonable for feeling disgusted. It would give me the ick and I would be fuming that he had lied to me all these years. I guess for me it would come down to 1. How does he feel about it now? Is he truly remorseful and does he get why this casual misogyny is so awful? 2. Was it truly a one off? If I found out this was repeat behaviour I would feel very differently. I think on balance I would forgive it if I thought it was genuinely a one off that he was deeply ashamed of. Its not an excuse, and it's very pathetic, but I can see how at a young age men can be swept up with peer pressure and alcohol and maybe do something that they actually don't even enjoy for the sake of going along with the group. I would be furious though, and i would understand if you couldn't forgive it.

He’s over 50 so he was possibly about 40 at the time.
Have just read OP’s previous threads. They turned my stomach.

Ok I don’t know if this will help but hear me out.

I can understand you’re hurt and that it feels crap - like who is this guy but if he really is a good husband and father then could you chalk it up to a one off bad decision?

I was friends with a stripper years ago and honestly she knew what she was doing. She made loads of money and was in control of her work. That’s to say she was not a victim.

i know my husband has been to strip clubs on stag dos (including his own) I have 3 brothers and they’ve all been. I know this makes it sound like I’m ok with it. I’m not. I think it’s a bit sad and grim but it is a legal industry in the UK.

Ive been on Mumsnet for 20 years now. I have always seen this come up and cause terrible upset but ask yourself whether this is really a deal breaker. I certainly did all sorts of stupid things before I settled down and got married.

if I had said to my husband he shouldn’t have gone to a strip club im not really sure what would have happened. He might not have gone but all his mates would probably have gone anyway. I dunno.

if my Dad went before he got married and my mum left him after finding out I’d be devastated.

The answer to first 3 would be no. See previous threads.

Mine did at his brothers stag. They were 21/23. I doubt they would now they are about bit more grown up.

It hasn’t ever bothered me

I wouldn't find this easy to accept however long ago it was- and the fact it was very possibly down to being too weak to stand up to his mates would make it worse, not better.

HOWEVER. I'm not sure you're totally playing fair in the thread, OP. You haven't answered about how you found out or what his attitude is now, and left us to go digging around to understand the general state of the marriage. This makes it pretty difficult to give advice, so I suspect that's not really what you're after.

To me it would boild down to what he thinks about it NOW. Does he regret it? I can imagine there was peer pressure and many people think that it's a ritual you need to pass.

I think it's disgusting and degrading to women. Maybe your dh does as well now? People change and we get wiser as we get older (some of us anyway). Surely you have done something in the past you're not proud over and that you would never do again?

If he regrets it I would find in my heart to forgive him and move on.

Do you love him, OP? Are you happy? It would be crazy to break up a marriage and a happy family for one foolish decision many years ago. We all do stupid things in life. It's OK to disapprove, but life's too short to let this be a dealbreaker. Just put it behind you and get on with your life.

As others have said, if it was HIS stag-do rather than his friend's then he was probably forced to do it by his best man, and there is no way out for him. In fact, the more he looked like he didn't want to do it, the more his friends would have jeered him on. Also, if it has been 12 years and this has never come up, and you have no indication that he is secretly sneaking off to strip clubs behind your back, I would chalk it down to experience and move on.

But to be honest from the tone of your comments it sounds like you've already decided that you can't move on, and perhaps a clean break is better for everyone than you spending the rest of your life feeling sick every time you wake up next to him or see him interacting with his daughters.

Hi OP, this in isolation is something that most would put down as a minor indiscretion, especially as it was so long ago and apparently a one-off event on his own stag. I’ve known relationships survive far worse.

However, having seen another thread you started about all the things your don’t like about your husband then I think the problem runs far deeper. You don’t make him sound like the greatest of guys.

@kangaroomouse

"I was friends with a stripper years ago and honestly she knew what she was doing. She made loads of money and was in control of her work. That’s to say she was not a victim."

I'm sure that was true and is in many cases.

But I also think the men don't check it's true before they settle down to enjoy- and that we are surely not going to kid ourselves that they only participate out of a desire to support female empowerment and freedom of expression...

So, it's irrelevant to the question- which is whether it's a gross thing for a man to feel entitled to that would change the way I thought about him. It is, and it would.

Of course it's not great, but I feel that the much bigger issue is the dishonesty.

My now DH went on a friend's stag do in our early days of dating, and they did go to a strip club which I wasn't a fan off. But he told me about it, what hapenned, apologised etc. I was pretty annoyed about it but let it go after a bit. It's never hapenned again,his mates are quite ladish and wouldnt be able to not share, they moaned that at the next stag do he went and sat in the pub and waited for them to come out.
People make mistakes, but they need to own up to them, and not repeat.

Technically, he isnt throwing it away though as it was pre marriage.

However, if its something you cant get past then its not something you can get past. Its your perogative to end it for whatever reason, even if it seems extreme to others

You seem to have made your mind up. But you have not answered the question as to what your husband is like now.

What about your children? Would you forgive them if they ever made a one off mistake (if that is what it was)?

I'd be very upset too OP. Even if his mates did alot of pushing him to have it, he has a brain of his own and a mouth and he could have engaged them and said no. Peer pressure no matter how heavily it's done is not the same as being forced, not by a mile. Yanbu I don't think I'd be able to view him the same either.

It was his stag do and just a lapdance, I mean fair enough if it was a private dance with "extras", but it's literally a bit of fun and titillation on his last hurrah. I really couldn't get worked up about it, especially not 12 years on married with 2 children. If he was doing it now once a week you'd have a point, but he isn't. It really isn't worth the fallout.

Exactly. It's bizarre that OP has decided to focus on this particular issue, with everything else that's been going on.

You’ve got a very low bar.

The lap dance defo isn't the problem by the sounds of it.

Totally with you OP. He lied by omission and in doing so took away your right to choose wether to continue with the wedding or not. He lied because he knew it would be a deal breaker for you.
Why any woman would be happy with this situation is beyond me, doesn't matter how long ago this happened he has shown himself to be deceitful and you will now no longer trust him and will now question every nigth out he has had since then.

Don't be ridiculous.

YANBU I wouldn't look at my partner in the same way again

Many men feel pressured to do this on a stag do because it's been booked for them and there's an expectation for them to get stuck in. I'm not condoning it but very few decent men would actually enjoy or volunteer themselves for a lap dance and I imagine your husband is probably the same. Have you asked him about it?

100% this! Can't understand people on this thread acting as though men who receive lap dances are basically forced into doing so.