AIBU to feel disgusted about DH having lap dance at stag do? I’ve only just found out.

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My DH and I have been married for 12 years. I’ve just found out he had a lap dance at his stag do all those years ago. I feel disgusted that these are his values. If I knew, I never would have married him. To be honest, I wish I did know before.

It’s not even so much about the cheating, but it’s the attitudes towards women which I find so abhorrent. We have now got two little girls and it feels so wrong. I feel like I will look at him differently from now on.

I agree with this and your side note I think gets brushed over on these threads.

i would have no interest in a stripper but the hen do strippers usually involve quite a “silly” vibe where the dancing happens in front of everyone else. Everyone is laughing or embarrassed and I’m pretty sure the idea is not for the hen to actually be aroused by this.

To me, that’s miles away from a private lap dance where a woman is literally grinding their body on a man with the express intention of arousing him while the man inevitably wishes they could do more.

To me it’s a very different context and the latter is a sex act that’s no different than taking someone home and dryhumping them but not going all the way.

If DH went to a strip club which involved sitting on an chair in front of everyone while a naked woman danced nearby and his mates jeered and teased him as he sat there, embarrassed, I wouldn’t be best pleased but it wouldn’t feel as hurtful. If he went into a room alone and paid a woman to rub her naked body on him for his sexual gratification then I’d consider it cheating personally.

Everyone is different and has different boundaries. OP if this is big enough that it makes you want to leave then you don’t have to justify it. You’re allowed to leave for any reason at all.

This. Friends like these would have been a red flag for me from the start. You can tell a lot about a man from the company he keeps. Before I met my DH I was in a relationship with a man whose friends would almost certainly have forced a lap dance on him. Decent men don’t go to strip/lap dancing clubs for stags, they go zipwiring or paintballing or hillwalking as you say.

Yes, it's grim but it was 12 years ago, sounds like it was a one off so I'd just let it go and move on. It's not like he's had an affair or cheated on you with someone else. Don't let this ruin your marriage, OP.

You seem to have posted just to suggest this judging by your replies.

Who’s blaming women?

People have differing opinions, just because it wouldn’t bother them, doesn’t mean it shouldn’t bother you.

saying that ‘I wouldn’t destroy years of marriage’ Mate, I haven’t. He has been the misogynist, not me

Are you leaving him, then? Because you didn’t say that at all in your initial post.

The OP is conveniently ignoring all of these questions....

A lap dance or a private dance cos they are 2 different things. Lap dance on his stag do ok, private dance no!!

Unless he's been an absolute sleezeball in your 12 years of marriage, I'd let a lapdance at his stag a dozen years ago go.
I had one or more (it's hazy!) at my leaving do 20 odd years ago (yes, I'm female, CIS, HET, the lot) and am an otherwise moral and non-sleezy person. Never happened again and wasn't my choice :D

op what’s the point of this. I think it’s very clear that no matter what this man does you’re not leaving him. This issue is very minor in comparison to the others. Do you just want to vent, then crack on and stay with him?

I can completely understand your feelings op. I would be repulsed too. However if the marriage has been good and he is a good father, I would hope that his actions 12 years ago was down to immaturity. You will know in your heart if he is a misogynist or not. If he is then definitely leave, if not, I would chalk it up a mistake on his part

I would be exactly the same BUT.. you sound very annoyed and frustrated but that's the thing, you honestly cannot break up for family over this, that would be on you now - I know you wont like to hear that but its true. The trauma and destruction that would cause your kids over something that let's face it, is not the end of the world (you're just in shock and really peeved hes saw another woman naked and in the context of the wedding) yes, totally rubbish and wrong and he's let himself and you down, but you're going to simply have to move on from it. Think of years down the line if you let this destroy your family now. It's not about you now it's about your kids, maybe get some counselling together to work through it. Unless I've missed it you haven't said what he's said about it? Does he regret it, was he forced by his daft mates? If my DH had done it I'd be FUMING and so upset and betrayed and despise the thought of it but it wasnt actual cheating and id know he was probs peer pressured and he's a lovely decent man and we had an amazing wedding and I wouldn't let something so stupid and immature and irrelevant (make it small in your head!!) ruin our lovely marriage and family. Take some time to work through it.

As pp keep saying. Read the ops other threads, he is awful.

He's wasn't tasteful but I guess he was young, and I presume this was peer pressure from his friends on the stag do and probably a lot of beer where common sense goes out the window. Growing up in B'ton (where have a lot of stag and hen do's) I've seen stags so drunk they don't know which way is up. To me, it's not really any different to chippendales and all that nonsense, objectifying isn't classy at all whatever the sex.

12 years is a long time ago. If he has a good attitude to women and respects us, other than that one night (I presume only happened on his stag do?), personally I'd not make a massive deal of it.

Young, foolish and he made a yucky mistake, it happens but if it's a deal breaker for you, that's understandable too. We all have our levels of what is acceptable.

I posted yesterday on a different thread about the stag nights that my DH and his mates all had 30 or do years ago. Pub crawl followed by a curry. One had a weekend camping trip which they all thought was hilarious as they narrowly avoided losing one of the tents and one of them sprained an ankle. No strip clubs involved.

Bugger, I should have before posting, ah well.

Sounds like there’s more to it. How is your relationship been over the years?

I’d consider the following-

are we good now
do I trust him now
has he changed his views of women in the past 12 years

id also consider-

alots changed in terms of how women are viewed over the years
his age at the time
Pressure to conform
whether he out and out lied or rather didn’t mention it

Tina Turner had a hit with "Private Dancer" 42 years ago (!!) - worth a listen.

Well, the men come in these places
And the men are all the same
You don't look at their faces
And you don't ask their names
You don't think of them as human
You don't think of them at all
You keep your mind on the money
Keeping your eyes on the wall

I'm your private dancer
A dancer for money
I'll do what you want me to do
I'm your private dancer
A dancer for money
And any old music will do

So, scanning some of your other threads.

You're married to someone who times your children's eating, is right wing nasty, gives you the ick, doesn't wash much, moans all the time and the biggy, you think raped you.

Time you were brave enough to get away from this man, esp for your children.

Given the OP's username and the threads about stag dos we've been seeing these recently, i dont think this thread is genuine. I appreciate i could be wrong though

She's really not though. Yes, a lot of this behaviour goes on in clubs, but not all stag do's involve a strip club.

I've been on around 15 stag do's and not a one of them involved a strip club. One of them did involve a stripper at a paintballing place and it was the most depressing awkward thing ever.

I would be upset but I would also factor in how old you were when you got married. Me and DH got married at 18/19 and on his stag I know he did drugs. I know he definitely wasn’t in a strip club (my brother was there and my dad was there till 1am 🙄), but they got absolutely out their heads. If he did that now I’d be cross but I can’t really be mad about a 19 year old doing drugs.

You’re well within your rights to be angry, and let him know you’re angry. I personally wouldn’t break up my family over it unless there had been significant lying over the years - that would send me spinning I can’t lie. What’s he like now? Has he matured? Do you think his mates egged him on - that’s not an excuse but it’s something to think about. We’ve all been peer pressured (probably not to get a lap dance, but something) and if he was young and also getting a lot of pressure I would be less angry. I’d still be pissed though.

Take a bit of time today, get yourself a sweet treat or do something nice and try to feel better.

A man is fully capable of not going to strip clubs. At any age. Many find them repugnant. I couldn’t personally stay with someone who had done this, it shows how they objectify women and I couldn’t bear that for my daughters.

Same here. This stuff used to go on a lot on stag dos. It's lads being dicks, getting drunk and egging each other on. Going into a strip club because it feels a bit rebellious. Just one of those 'things you do' on a stag do or lads weekend away. I'm not condoning or approving at all by the way. My ex husband went to Amsterdam on his stag and I know he tried a few of the substances on offer. Didn't mean he was a raging drug addict. I have also been to 'chippendale' type hen nights in the past where women squirted cream down a guy's pants and he got his knob out.... all extremely naff IMO but pretty harmless.
Although im glad this sort of thing is becoming less normal because there are other things I'd rather do for fun! Keep some perspective on this. Not worth chucking in a marriage over, he probably should have mentioned it but your reaction maybe explains why he didn't. NB: men on stag dos don't sit around knitting and drinking tea xx