Take 3 month old baby to family wedding or leave with MIL?

[Helpboat]

Some advice on this.

I have close relatives wedding in a few weeks and also a 3 month old baby.

Culturally it’s looked down if children aren’t present at weddings. It’s also an opportunity to meet family you don’t regularly see and there are the great grandparents who will be pretty disappointed if I don’t take the baby.

My MIL is in town and she’s very very good with the baby. Follows our schedule to the T and baby is in safe and secure hands with her. She’s insisting to leave baby with her.

Wedding is 3 hours away and will be an all day event. 1pm till 10.

If I take the baby, will have to take all his equipment for bottles plus carrycot pushchair etc but family will be happy. I am not even sure where to sterilise his equipment as he needs feeding every 3 hoursish.

if I don’t we will have a much more relaxing time but family will probably openly express dissatisfaction. What do you think?

Exactly, so they wouldn’t need to be 3 hours away from their baby for fifteen hours for work.

I am not sure what you are asking me as I think we are agreeing?

Yes, I said I guess it happens. Just because I don’t know anyone who went back to work when baby was three months old doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen 😊

Christ calm down it is 10hrs not 10 weeks for heavens sake.

OP go and enjoy the wedding, the baby will be non the wiser and in safe hand with MIL by the sounds of it.

Exactly this - and then wants a pat on the back for having a “suppoortive family network”.

I’d alway bring the baby but in our families weddings are religious ceremonies and the party is all about 2 families joining and people would be delighted to see a baby, it would be very welcome.

On the contrary - OP is continually asking ‘why’ others wouldn’t feel comfortable doing the same. Followed by ‘surprise’ that others have different opinions.

Right, and since she didn't mention an older child, the fact that some people would have found that long away from their babies difficult might have been something she didn't anticipate?

I also understand why she feels defensive, but also nobody said that they had a "psychological barrier" to leaving their babies. She doesn't need to project onto other people. Her question was "what do other people think" - some people think that they wouldn't leave a baby that long when they're that young.

Then she got snippy as if "I wouldn't" wasn't a sufficient answer.

So you are comfortable leaving the baby & MIL is keen to have him.

The only factors to weigh up then are the faff of taking bottles & baby equipment vs the desire for the wider family to meet the baby.

Personally I would take the baby with you. You have talked a lot about communal baby raising so I think it’s important that the baby at least meets his other family members. They are already missing out on a close bond through distance.

On a more pragmatic note, it will probably spoil your day if it’s spent with people asking why you didn’t bring the baby every 5 minutes.

Also to mention I’d have no problem leaving my baby with my MIL, I might ask her to mind the baby whilst I get ready!

Totally agree. I left baby at home with a bay sitter and enjoyed the wedding. Family were surprised but it was good to get out and enjoy myself for a few hours

I'm not asking anything. Merely saying that people did and do work with 3 month babies . Even younger in fact. My DS was 4 weeks when I was working after him ( self employed)

So many people have jumped on here virtue signalling how they would never leave a baby so young, the baby is 3 months old not 3 days. It's totally inappropriate and unreasonable, plenty of women are back in work by then sadly. OP never asked if it was OK to do it, just which situation would be easier. Going out for a family wedding without baby would be an amazing chance to have a child free day to remember she's not just a mother but a woman, and quite frankly the level of judgement is totally unfair. OP go for it if you want to, let's face it taking a small baby to a big function is just parenting in a less convenient location, the logistics of feeds, changes, naps is a nightmare. You sound very lucky to have brilliant support so take advantage of it and enjoy yourself.

@TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis Are you saying she doesn’t know how she feels and you know better? She did mention her older child. It’s not on to project fears that others experience when the op really can think for herself. People here think they are gatekeepers and police child care. As I said, many mums go back to work at 3 months. Lots of self employed mums do. Mums do know what’s best for them and we are not all the same.

It was a sufficient answer, the baby is 3 months old and she is totally secure leaving them with a trusted supportive MIL. The first load of comments were totally judgmental as if she's lacking a maternal instinct so no wonder she feels defensive, I feel defensive on her behalf! She wasn't asking if it was acceptable to leave the baby yet so many of the posts decided to judge her for it.

See isn’t it interesting how we are all different and there is no right or wrong answer.

For me the no brainer is to leave the baby 🤷‍♀️

We went to a wedding without DS when he was three and a half months. He was with his grandparents who adore him and who can be completely trusted with him. I picked him up out of his cot in the morning and there was no reaction other than his usual delight in seeing me!

It's not that. It's that I felt physically bereft if I was apart from my babies. I didn't leave them even with their dad for the first six months. I was breastfeeding so maybe that changes the bond you have, but I would have felt physically sick and anxious if I had had to leave my baby at that age. I felt extremely attached to them, and they to me (as is biologically normal at that age).

In your situation, I would just decide what you want to do and then do it. Never mind what other people's expectations might be.

Nonsense, don't start turning this into a breast v bottle feeding issue.

I would go and enjoy the rest ... or, hire a room for MIL a d have best if both worlds

I took my twins at 12 weeks to my SILs wedding. My mum and dad picked them up and had them overnight. I really needed that sleep!

I did ask a question but people were answering a totally different question. I had no idea that comprehension levels on mumsnet were so poor. I never asked if it was ok to leave a 3m old but lots of people were desperate to project.

Also this is the second time you’ve made a bitter comment about having a supportive network, I hope whatever is mentally troubling you heals.

@Malinia More rubbish on this thread from “superior” mums. We bond! Dc go to nurseries at 3 months and they don’t have to be with mum for 24/7/365. Everyone is so overbearing on here.

Its perfectly natural for mothers to want to be close to their babies. I wouldn't leave a 3 months old all day, I'd feel uncomfortable, for the same reason I wouldn't leave a newborn, or wouldn't leave a child for a month while I went on holiday. It's your baby, you keep them close.

I also can't imagine going back to work after 4 weeks and leaving my baby in nursery all day 5 days a week. But people do that.

You've asked people for their opinion of what they would do then are acting like they're not answering the question. Most people wouldn't leave their baby with anyone, not even dad, for a full day to be 3hrs away. It's not about who they're with it's about a mother wanting to be with her newborn. Like how people don't like visitors right away, or wouldn't want someone else to be the first to hold their baby. Or get upset people won't hand their crying baby back. Mothers are typically possessive of their babies.

Personally I wouldn't do either. I wouldn't take a baby 3hrs drive away, that's a long drive for a tiny baby and not safe unless you have a completely lay flat seat. I leave them becuase i wouldn't want to be be 3hrs away from my baby for a whole day. I wouldn't fully engage with my family, I'd be thinking about my baby and wanting to go home. I just wouldn't go. If it was someone very very important, like my own wedding, I'd make a whole weekend of it get a hotel the night before and of so its not one very busy day for everyone.

I didn't, I just noted there is a difference between my feeding method and the OPs and wondered if that might have made a difference to how I felt.

I think the OP should do what works for her, as I said already.

I didn't say anything superior I just noted there was a difference in feeding method and that might have affected how I felt about my child compared to how others feel who are happy to leave their child. Because when only you can feed your child, and you are doing it from your own body, it is different when you are thinking about leaving them with someone else.

I was mostly addressing her statement that it was about not having supportive family around, as that generally isn't the issue for women who don't want to leave their babies.

Regardless, I said that OP should put herself first and do what feels right to her in this situation.