Take 3 month old baby to family wedding or leave with MIL?

[Helpboat]

Some advice on this.

I have close relatives wedding in a few weeks and also a 3 month old baby.

Culturally it’s looked down if children aren’t present at weddings. It’s also an opportunity to meet family you don’t regularly see and there are the great grandparents who will be pretty disappointed if I don’t take the baby.

My MIL is in town and she’s very very good with the baby. Follows our schedule to the T and baby is in safe and secure hands with her. She’s insisting to leave baby with her.

Wedding is 3 hours away and will be an all day event. 1pm till 10.

If I take the baby, will have to take all his equipment for bottles plus carrycot pushchair etc but family will be happy. I am not even sure where to sterilise his equipment as he needs feeding every 3 hoursish.

if I don’t we will have a much more relaxing time but family will probably openly express dissatisfaction. What do you think?

I was working full time from when my eldest was 3 months

The long broken journey would make the day even longer. Certainly wouldn't be putting a 3 month old baby in a car seat for 6 hours in a single day. Let alone having him passed around multiple strangers (to him).

Better to be left where he is safe, secure and happy with his Grandma.

I went back to work full time when mine were 3 months too.

agree, it sounds like an absolutely hellish day for a tiny baby who’ll probably get overtired and upset being in a car for that long and then being passed around in a loud venue.

I left 4 month breastfed first baby for a weekend away in Miami so I’m clearly in the “leave the baby camp”, but totally get why others wouldn’t want to.

But be ready for all the aunties and cousins to be mad at you because you didn’t bring him for them to coo over (am also mixed-Asian) 🤣

Depends how you feel about it.

Personally I was really anxious and even dad didn't take baby out alone until after I went back to work around 9 months. Even then baby was breastfed so I went to the nursery to feed in my lunch break (was close to my work) for first couple months. I didn't leave baby longer than a working day until 15 months and I went on a hen do for a relative. That was what was best for me.

A friend left her 6 week old with her mum overnight because she wanted to go to a hen do and her husband was working away. That was right for her.

Your MIL shouldn't be 'insisting you leave the baby with her'. She can offer to have the baby if you don't want to take with but their should be no insisting, your choice.

It’s really up to you. There’s nothing wrong with leaving your baby with MIL if you trust her completely. We left our youngest with my MIL when she was around 4 months old (she came over to stay in our home) so that we could take our other two pre-schoolers away overnight before I returned to work. Only had 6 months off in those days! She was a good sleeper so that made it easier. You should never feel guilty for leaving your child with a trusted carer.

Yes for you it’s unfathomable and you appear to have a psychological barrier or don’t have a trusted network to rely on.

Delegate parenting role? If you mean that I was able to go to the gym, do a quick shop and grab a quick coffee today because I have a great support network that is willing to help out then yeah I’m fine with delegating. It’s not a race to the bottom for some of us.

Husband and I both come from cultures where it’s normal for babies to be looked after by grandparents or aunts. It allows respite for the parents and bonds to be created. Babies can develop more than one primary attachment, in-fact 3 or even 4.

As for me coming across cold, nope all content a secure here but you’re coming across as very bitter.

Take the baby. She's a member of the family after all. It will stop you fretting. MIL will get many more chances to babysit in the future

I think this is somewhat judgmental. I left my three month old for that length of time and had - and still do have - an incredible bond with her. I just also liked the opportunity to leave her with my mum on occasion. And yes for a long day. It’s absolutely 100% fine OP if that’s what you’d prefer to do

Most women would still be breastfeeding at this point so no, would not easily leave baby with someone for 12 hours. Even if baby takes bottles of expressed milk, the constant pumping you'd have to do would be such a pain as well, otherwise you'd leak everywhere. But if you can keep up with that, why not, enjoy yourself.

I wouldn't have left any of mine at that age for long because I bf. Also, didn't have family nearby. However, I also think 3 hrs travelling is a lot (there and back or each way).

I think most people have said it’s very individual and aren’t making a particular judgment about you OP but to be honest you describing people who would approach this differently to you as having a ‘psychological barrier’ or no network is quite annoying.

I wouldn’t have left mine that young. Not because I have a ‘psychological barrier’ (which suggests something is wrong with my approach) but because I breastfed, and because that distance for me would have been too far for me to feel confident and relaxed because I couldn’t have been back quickly in an emergency. I have a great network. Different women just feel differently about leaving a young baby, it’s personal, there are no wrong answers here.

If bottle fed I'd leave her with Mil who is obviously very willing and capable of caring for baby. If breastfed od have tKen baby with me. Enjoy your day off.

To answer your question as to why some parents don’t want to be away from their 3 month old for almost a whole day, even with trusted family - because they’ve been outside you less time than inside you. And so most mums still have the hormonal, post partum urge to be around their baby. In South East Asian, like South Asian culture where I’m from, babies are treated as communal property with the instincts/urges/needs of the mother-baby bond not always respected or nurtured. I know of some families where they breastfeed each others children too which I find really weird personally. It’s not better or worse than other cultures, just different. But statistically children are also most at risk of abuse by a family member or close friend of the family, so the instinct to be close to your baby makes sense as an evolutionary tool.

You can of course leave bab with MIL but it shouldn’t be this surprising that there are posters who wouldn’t - and it isn’t about not having close family support other than partners.

I wouldn't have with my first but with my second I think I would have in your situation! I'm sure your Mil will absolutely love to have the baby to herself too and will have a brilliant day with them.

Who gives a fuck what other people think? YOU are the mother, YOU are the one who will be tasked with the hassles. YOU decide and only you.

They'll get over it, and if they don't that also falls into the who gives a fuck basket.

Yep had 9 babies and every one been happy to leave for a few hours with parents, does baby good tbh much less clingy if there used to many loving them. I would enjoy a day out and some together time with your other half because that relationship is just as important to maintain that's probably why I'm still married after 25 years lol..
Our youngest is 2 oldest 16 and rest in-between and they all have lovely grandparent, in-laws,uncles aunts etc relationships now and never had any bother them starting school with separation anxiety

I left my son aged about 10 weeks with my Mum so that I could go on school trip with my other who had just started reception.It was a long day so I left baby at 8am and not home until 5ish.
Baby was absolutely fine, Grandma happy,other son enjoyed having me spending time with him all day.Everyone happy.I called my Mum a couple of times just to check in and I was very comfortable with the arrangement.
People on this thread urging you to take baby are obviously ok about a baby being in a car seat for hours ,the noise etc .
I personally think baby will be better off ,safer at home with Grandma.

The length of the journey would put me off taking a baby.

I couldn't leave as mine were breastfed. The big factor for you is the journey. I thought the guidelines were no longer than one hour in a car seat? So that 3 hours would need to be more like 5 as you stop for breaks every hour and take baby out of the seat for a bit.

To be fair, this line of conversation only started when a few people jumped in and told OP how they just couldn't possibly leave their baby at that age, some comments clearly full of judgement.

Of course OP is going to react to that.

I thought this too.

I physically couldn't leave my baby at that age. I would have hated every second of being away!

Nope, there are several people on here who have judged me by claiming I don’t have a bond or I’m coming across as cold. I can only discern from thag they don’t have an actually have a genuine trustworthy network to make that judgement about me. I breastfed too so I understand the issues around that.