AIBU to refuse stepdaughter’s request that I never drink alcohol?

Evaka · 22/03/2026 16:18

You know the answer but absolutely, you are not being unreasonable. Is there someone in her extended family who is scary when they drink?

TheKeatingFive · 22/03/2026 16:19

This is crazy, of course she shouldn't dictate your behaviour here.

DarkForces · 22/03/2026 16:20

I agree with you. It doesn't sound like she's has any traumatic experiences around alcohol so her reaction seems more about control than upset. Showing children how to drink responsibly makes sense and I wouldn't be letting a child of any age dictate how much I drink.

SemiSober · 22/03/2026 16:20

Klaap · 22/03/2026 16:15

Am I being unreasonable to say that my 10-year-old stepdaughter shouldn’t be able to dictate whether I drink alcohol or not?

I’ve been with DH for many years and known SSD since she was a toddler.

DH and are not big drinkers and they are very rarely any occasions where we would be drinking around the children. However we got married a few months ago and at our wedding my stepdaughter objected to me drinking alcohol in the evening with my meal. I had a couple of glasses of red wine (which were included with the meal) when I was eating, and she got into a mood and complained that she thought that it was dangerous for me to be drinking and that bad things are going to happen because I would be drunk. The wedding night was then spent me defending myself to her to try to cajole her out of being in a mood that nothing bad was going to happen

she does have an issue with anxiety which her parents are meant to be dealing with. And I wasn’t sure if it was the wedding itself so just let this one go. However recently there was another occasion where I had ONE glass of wine socially when a friend visited us, and she also complained about that and asked me to promise that I would never drink alcohol ever again in front of her because she felt unsafe. I said no I would not promise this as I am a responsible adult but I would promise not to get drunk.

I asked my husband whether I was falling around drunk or if she had had a bad experience and he said that wasn’t the case at all. I do understand that if she had witnessed me falling around drunk and being extremely intoxicated that might be distressing when we asked her she said that she thought that I was talking louder than normal and she didn’t like it. I don’t think she ever seen anyone in a state but perhaps in school they teach them alcohol can be bad? We have explained too much alcohol or too regularly it can be bad for you.

The next occasion whether there may be some alcohol would be our annual 2 week family holiday to Europe where we may drink beer or wine with a meal. As she is 10, we would dine together every evening and one of the nights we are away is my birthday, so likely I might have a drink or 2, but now, what will I risk the wrath of a 10yo controlling me and going into a mood?

She does have a real tendency to go into these protracted moods where she will stonewall you and refuse to tell you what’s wrong, but you know something is wrong and after 2 days of being ignored (and carrying on as normal), I end up saying enough is enough SD, stop this now it’s unkind to ignore me. I don’t think this is at all a good strategy for a child to develop this way of handling conflict and I am quite concerned, as is DH but is ‘giving in’ appropriate here?

This may sound like a ‘reach’ but children/ teens who I have heard of doing this were later diagnosed with autism. It’s a prime example of ‘black and white’ thinking and alcohol is a common trigger for it.

Createausername1970 · 22/03/2026 16:21

Well, no, you shouldn't be controlled by a 10 year old.

But I would want to get to the root of where her anxiety around this is coming from if it's appeared out of nowhere.

Does her mum have a new partner who drinks? Or maybe mum drinks too much sometimes?

PonyPatter44 · 22/03/2026 16:22

She is being unreasonable, of course, but have you asked her why she is so worried about people drinking around her? Does she behave in the same way around DH, if he has a glass of wine? What else does she get worked up about?

At the end of the day, i think you've said exactly the right thing - you wont get drunk around her, but she doesn't get to control what you eat and drink.

Hatty65 · 22/03/2026 16:22

Well, I wouldn't have spent my wedding day coaxing a child who was annoyed I'd had two glasses of wine, and I'm teetotal.

I'm much more likely to say briskly, 'You can be as silly as you like, Maisie, but I'm an adult and not going to be dictated to by a sulking 10 year old. It's ridiculous for a child to believe they can decide how adults should behave, particularly over something as trivial as having the odd glass of wine'.

And there would be consequences for ignoring me and behaving badly. She doesn't rule the roost.

Lincslady53 · 22/03/2026 16:22

Record her telling you not to drink to play back to her in 7 or 8 years.

KatsPJs · 22/03/2026 16:22

Does she mind her dad drinking? In any case, I would have one final conversation with her at home and ask her to explain her reasoning, then make it clear that she does not get to dictate what you drink. Doing anything else would set the precedent that she can make demands of you which is likely to cause issues as she grows up and in all likelihood will think she can make other demands.

Justkeepswimmiing · 22/03/2026 16:23

I'd look into why she thinks alcohol is bad. You've asked DH but he may not be aware of something she's experienced. Or she could feel ashamed about something. I'd gently try and unpick the reason that she has this irrational anxiety. You could ask chat gpt to write a social story for her in the style of carol grey. About how it is ok for 1 or 2 glasses of wine or beer to be drunk on holiday with a meal. This will generate a brilliant social story, ideal for children aged 10ish x

Catcatcatcatcat · 22/03/2026 16:24

Does her father drink? Is that allowed?

No, I would tell her she doesn’t get to dictate whether I drink or not and to go off and sulk if she wants.

oncemoreuntothebeachdearfriends · 22/03/2026 16:25

Can't your DH deal with her rudeness?

Thepeopleversuswork · 22/03/2026 16:27

You're not being unreasonable of course.

But, just putting this out there, is there anyone in the family with a history of alcohol abuse? Just to understand what could be causing this.

My dad was a problematic drinker and I developed quite controlling behaviour around adults drinking as a child because I dreaded seeing him get out of control on drink.

Just wondering if its worth exploring whether she is triggered in some way by the prospect of seeing family drinking. No excuse to control very moderate alcohol consumption of course but it might explain it?

EwwPeople · 22/03/2026 16:27

Does she object to her father drinking? Or her mum?

Is she y6? There are some topics on the curriculum in both science and PSHE about the negative effects of drinking (and smoking, drugs etc.), not just health related , but impairment /risk taking behaviour as well.They also could be reading some books that touch on abusive or drunken behaviour (WW2 related).Her language around it is interesting.

Clarinet1 · 22/03/2026 16:28

Has DSD had some kind of bad experience in the past when someone was drunk? I remember
an occasion when I was about 8 when there was a man who was very drunk and staggering about in the street. A lot of the other kids thought it was funny but I found it scary.
Or could she be trying to cause you discomfort because she views you as an interloper between herself and her DF?
i think you’re right that it’s not good for her to start giving you the silent treatment; if it carries on into adult relationships it’s a recognised form of abuse. Perhaps you need to get her to open up about her concerns.

CanHardlyBearTo · 22/03/2026 16:29

I’d be more interested in who or what has caused this fixation with alcohol. DH says one of his now adult nephews had it as a young teenager, and that it seems to have stemmed from a drunken uncle stumbling into his bedroom by mistake thinking it was the bathroom, with the result that he became highly anxious and kept trying to make his parents teetotal, despite them barely drinking at all.

Bushmillsbabe · 22/03/2026 16:30

Does her bio mum drink, and her Dad/your DH? Is she an only child?

I remember going through a phase at same age where I would have a moan at my Dad if he had half a lager and then drove - we had seen a drinking and driving video at school and I thought we were going to have an accident and get badly hurt. I wonder if she has seen something at school and taken it to the extreme. Or this might actually be nothing to do with drinking, and more of a control thing.

My 10 year old calls me a 'wino' if I have 1 glass, but she thinks it's funny, rather than trying to stop me.

But no, you shouldn't let yourself be controlled by a 10 year old. If she chooses to be in a mood, then so be it, just let her get in with it. We find the more we try and coax our 10 year old out of a mood, the more she digs her heels in. But if we just leave her be for a while, she comes out of it much quicker. It's a funny age 10, full of hormones, going to secondary room, stuck in a place between a child and a teenager.

FinallyHere · 22/03/2026 16:34

What is the child’s father doing to parent in this difficult situation ? It sounds as if he is leaving it to you which does not sound at all right. Are you seen by the child as the default parent ?

pestowithwalnuts · 22/03/2026 16:34

You're definitely not being unreasonable.
I don't drink myself but I certainly wouldn't be dictated to by a 10 year old.
You've tried to reassure her and it's not worked so ignore her moods and carry on being sensible

CustardySergeant · 22/03/2026 16:36

Of course she can't insist that you don't drink, but I'm puzzled by you saying "I asked my husband whether I was falling around drunk or if she had had a bad experience and he said that wasn’t the case at all." Surely, as you're a very moderate drinker, you know that you weren't falling around drink, don't you?

BillieWiper · 22/03/2026 16:37

No. She cannot dictate what you drink. But obviously if it causes her anxiety you should probably not do it openly if you can avoid it.

For example drink out of a cup or opaque water bottle so she can't see what's inside. Or try and mainly drink when she's not present.

If you were to be acting messy and drunk in sole charge of her that would be another matter.

But if you've no problems with alcohol then as an adult you shouldn't be dictated to by a child. While not wanting to cause her undue upset obviously.

I hope the therapy for her anxiety helps.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 22/03/2026 16:37

Does this manifest ONLY around alcohol or does she try to control other things you do - but maybe in a different way or a way that you might not realise that control is what she is doing?

You say she has anxiety and I wonder if she's trying to gain some measure of control over things that she feels she CAN control; stopping you from doing non-essential things for example. The 'no drinking alcohol' might be the tip of the iceberg.

GreyCarpet · 22/03/2026 16:37

The wedding night was then spent me defending myself to her to try to cajole her out of being in a mood that nothing bad was going to happen

Tbh, that's on you. At 10, you tell them how it is and then remind them that it's not a conversation.

Octavia64 · 22/03/2026 16:37

Obviously she is unreasonable but I would also wonder where this has come from.

ItsNotMeEither · 22/03/2026 16:37

It does sound like something has got into her mind about the dangers of drinking.

I think you need a few sit down chats with her reminding her that she is safe with you and that people can and do drink at safe levels. I wonder if she is anxious about other things too and whether some counselling for her might be helpful.

In the meantime, teach her about mocktails. If the anxiety is still there when you're on holiday, then I'd be ordering mocktails for everyone (with alcohol in mine). 😎