AIBU to refuse stepdaughter’s request that I never drink alcohol?

[Klaap]

Am I being unreasonable to say that my 10-year-old stepdaughter shouldn’t be able to dictate whether I drink alcohol or not?

I’ve been with DH for many years and known SSD since she was a toddler.

DH and are not big drinkers and they are very rarely any occasions where we would be drinking around the children. However we got married a few months ago and at our wedding my stepdaughter objected to me drinking alcohol in the evening with my meal. I had a couple of glasses of red wine (which were included with the meal) when I was eating, and she got into a mood and complained that she thought that it was dangerous for me to be drinking and that bad things are going to happen because I would be drunk. The wedding night was then spent me defending myself to her to try to cajole her out of being in a mood that nothing bad was going to happen

she does have an issue with anxiety which her parents are meant to be dealing with. And I wasn’t sure if it was the wedding itself so just let this one go. However recently there was another occasion where I had ONE glass of wine socially when a friend visited us, and she also complained about that and asked me to promise that I would never drink alcohol ever again in front of her because she felt unsafe. I said no I would not promise this as I am a responsible adult but I would promise not to get drunk.

I asked my husband whether I was falling around drunk or if she had had a bad experience and he said that wasn’t the case at all. I do understand that if she had witnessed me falling around drunk and being extremely intoxicated that might be distressing when we asked her she said that she thought that I was talking louder than normal and she didn’t like it. I don’t think she ever seen anyone in a state but perhaps in school they teach them alcohol can be bad? We have explained too much alcohol or too regularly it can be bad for you.

The next occasion whether there may be some alcohol would be our annual 2 week family holiday to Europe where we may drink beer or wine with a meal. As she is 10, we would dine together every evening and one of the nights we are away is my birthday, so likely I might have a drink or 2, but now, what will I risk the wrath of a 10yo controlling me and going into a mood?

She does have a real tendency to go into these protracted moods where she will stonewall you and refuse to tell you what’s wrong, but you know something is wrong and after 2 days of being ignored (and carrying on as normal), I end up saying enough is enough SD, stop this now it’s unkind to ignore me. I don’t think this is at all a good strategy for a child to develop this way of handling conflict and I am quite concerned, as is DH but is ‘giving in’ appropriate here?

Mum does drink. From what I have gathered, it’s a big thing in her whole family and events are usually boozy. My step son who is a little older thinks it’s funny and jokes about how much they drink. I’ve no idea if she tells mum she can’t drink but yes I would expect she does say similar things because she is anxious about it. I also have no idea if she’s seen mum or family intoxicated as she hasn’t said she has, when I asked what was setting this off. SDC usually report buying mum her favourite alcohol for her birthday and they know the name of loads of drinks, like they know what an aperol spritz is and how you make it (I’ve never drunk this with them)

I also assumed that our wedding incident was jealousy as she was a bit of a pain throughout the whole thing, but it’s not jealous I’m marrying her dad, she is jealous I’m a mum to my own children and is quite possessive of me. I think that’s why she doesn’t like me drinking as it’s a control thing.

DH did back me up that I’m a responsible adult and know my limits and yes I agree I think it’s a good lesson to teach her about moderation

This is exactly what I came to say. My own child has this same fixation with control of others. I don't drink but there would often be something, along with fears and anxieties.

He's now diagnosed autistic.

I make it clear that he is not going to dictate certain things he wants me to stop ( harmless things!), like singing one line to a song I like.

Its good to ask exactly why they feel this way. Dig down and let her explain and feel seen and heard. You can offer this and still continue to drink. You can re assure regarding addictive behaviour - and that is not you. That people are different and some have less ability to manage drinking. You are not that person.

And no, I’ve never drunk driven. I’m not teetotal but I drink occasionally and moderately.

No relevance to the post, OP wasn’t drunk.

OP YANBU, you done nothing even remotely unreasonable.

It's about control and anxiety. It's not about you being a drunk - which I don't believe you are.

PDA may be relevant here. Need to control is pervasive.

It’s like maybe four times a year? No I don’t mind generally but special occasions, yes I do.

One was my actual wedding day. I’m not sorry about that. And I might want a nice drink on my birthday and shouldn’t have to worry about someone sulking over it

What about her dad? Does she want him to give up too?

No I wasn’t drunk at my wedding but I was probably a little bit louder than usual and she did notice this

I asked DH because I wanted to check if I was delusional about how I was affected

Does she trust you OP? Like truly , trust you? Are you one of her safe people?

Does she mind if DH drinks?

YANBU by the way.

Given what you have said about her maternal family and social events it does sound like there is some anxiety and worry around alcohol. I’d be amazed if there hasn’t been at least one incident where she has felt worried or frightened about a family member or someone else being drunk. It may not have seemed like a big deal to the adults or her brother but may have for her.

It’s important to try and manage this sensitively and her parents need to get her some support asap. It’s not fair to leave this unaddressed and still continue to drink in front of her. She can’t help how she feels and whether this is about alcohol or control, she clearly needs some help.

Yes she does but he is less likely to have a drink around them anyway. He doesn’t mind what I choose to do though.

I expect so yes

I would carry on as usual and make no such promise.

Is she demanding this of her dad? He needs to step up and reassure her that your alcohol consumption is a) not out of control b) not a concern to him and c) not her place to make such demands

I would carry on as usual and make no such promise.

Is she demanding this of her dad? He needs to step up and reassure her that your alcohol consumption is a) not out of control b) not a concern to him and c) not her place to make such demands

This is a child suffering with anxiety, some of the replies here are shocking. Of course you should be able to have a glass of wine OP but she obviously has a lot of anxiety around this. If her own mother enjoys a boozy occasion then it might well have something to do with that or something that has happened at one of those times.

I wouldn't see it as her sulking, rather struggling with her emotions. Your behaviour is causing her anguish and she doesn't know how to deal with that.

Tell her you can see that she is upset, reassure her that you won't have more than one/two glasses/get drunk or whatever and then move on. Try to change the subject to something happier but if she can't then gently tell her you're going to give her some time to herself and will check in with her again in a while. Don't spend your whole time trying to cajole her into joining in or being happy, give her some space and just go see her in a positive frame of mind every now and then.

I'd be wondering on this basis what she's seen when adults in mum's family are drunk or if anything has happened to her or she's been worried it will, around a drunk adult.

It sounds to me as if she doesn’t like the raucousness of her maternal family gatherings and is projecting that onto you.

One of the reasons I’m now tea total is that my ex was a big drinker and would frequently take his DD to family get togethers where a lot of alcohol would be consumed. There were never any issues at these events in terms of violence but everyone would get too loud, and silly, and the kids were allowed to run amok and stay up too late. It was really destabilising for DSD, even if at the time she seemed to enjoy it. Perhaps it’s something similar?

That’s a really controlling thing she is asking, and in an adult to adult relationship would be considered abusive. I think you have a lot of work to do with her about autonomy, and how one person cannot control what another chooses to eat, drink, or smoke. She needs to know her role is to set her own boundaries and then stick to them, but she need to know what is normal to ask and what is totally unacceptable. She needs this to navigate friendships and relationships now, and also for her adult life when I would side eye anyone asking this of me. And not want to be friends or in a relationship of any kind with her
Good luck

Your stepdaughter is 10 and old enough to learn she can control her own behaviour, not anyone else's. There's also a body autonomy issue, and that would be yours. She's old enough to learn that to.

It's an unreasonable request, so the answer is no.

If she's got anxiety, find out why. If she's afraid of what her family is doing around her when they're drunk, teach her how to get out of that situation. But you don't give in to control measures coming from a 10 year old, that won't help her anxiety, she'll just escalate.

The silent treatment for days is an abuse tactic. She's picking up this over controlling behaviour from somewhere. Who in her family is modeling these behaviours?

Agree with this completely, DD is like this and is autistic.

If you only drink around 4 times a year I dont see why you can't just not have it when she's around you. She's a little girl who is obviously anxious and worried about you.

Dont make her feel like you favour having a drink to how she's feeling. Anxiety is awful for a child.

Then on top of the rationalising her anxieties (the diet analogy) also remind her that she trusts you in general and she has to trust you on this too. That you will still be safe/keep her safe even if you have a drink.