AIBU to refuse stepdaughter’s request that I never drink alcohol?

[Klaap]

Am I being unreasonable to say that my 10-year-old stepdaughter shouldn’t be able to dictate whether I drink alcohol or not?

I’ve been with DH for many years and known SSD since she was a toddler.

DH and are not big drinkers and they are very rarely any occasions where we would be drinking around the children. However we got married a few months ago and at our wedding my stepdaughter objected to me drinking alcohol in the evening with my meal. I had a couple of glasses of red wine (which were included with the meal) when I was eating, and she got into a mood and complained that she thought that it was dangerous for me to be drinking and that bad things are going to happen because I would be drunk. The wedding night was then spent me defending myself to her to try to cajole her out of being in a mood that nothing bad was going to happen

she does have an issue with anxiety which her parents are meant to be dealing with. And I wasn’t sure if it was the wedding itself so just let this one go. However recently there was another occasion where I had ONE glass of wine socially when a friend visited us, and she also complained about that and asked me to promise that I would never drink alcohol ever again in front of her because she felt unsafe. I said no I would not promise this as I am a responsible adult but I would promise not to get drunk.

I asked my husband whether I was falling around drunk or if she had had a bad experience and he said that wasn’t the case at all. I do understand that if she had witnessed me falling around drunk and being extremely intoxicated that might be distressing when we asked her she said that she thought that I was talking louder than normal and she didn’t like it. I don’t think she ever seen anyone in a state but perhaps in school they teach them alcohol can be bad? We have explained too much alcohol or too regularly it can be bad for you.

The next occasion whether there may be some alcohol would be our annual 2 week family holiday to Europe where we may drink beer or wine with a meal. As she is 10, we would dine together every evening and one of the nights we are away is my birthday, so likely I might have a drink or 2, but now, what will I risk the wrath of a 10yo controlling me and going into a mood?

She does have a real tendency to go into these protracted moods where she will stonewall you and refuse to tell you what’s wrong, but you know something is wrong and after 2 days of being ignored (and carrying on as normal), I end up saying enough is enough SD, stop this now it’s unkind to ignore me. I don’t think this is at all a good strategy for a child to develop this way of handling conflict and I am quite concerned, as is DH but is ‘giving in’ appropriate here?

Have you pointed this out to her? She sounds quite a switched on child so might be able to understand and act on that realisation.

@celticprincess but I know it’s anxiety. I’m aware. Plus I can’t magic up a diagnosis. I am getting frustrated because everyone announcing it’s ND doesn’t actually help this child. She doesn’t have any other traits and there is no concerns, she’s really intelligent, but also anxious and we just have to try different strategies until we find something that works. Each child is individual but even tomorrow she got diagnosed… nothing would change for her.

Your attitude to not changing your approach to your SD is quite alarming to me.

so if we are eating together and she won’t respond to a simple enquiry DH will tell her off.

if she’s holding a grudge for something very minor then she wont voice it (because it’s usually rude and not appropriate and she doesn’t like to get told off )

So she gets punished either way? Why would she voice anything, only to be told she's wrong or shouldn't be feeling that way? Why does your DH berate her so much??

You both seems so focused on you being 'right' and her being 'wrong', without thinking about what things are like from her point of view, as a child, her opinions aren't listened to and the silent treatment is the only control she has got.

She then sat around for 2 hours listlessly bored in a depressive state refusing to entertain herself (she has a room full of toys and books and we have a garden). I’m not going to spend 2 hours grovelling I have to work, I have a job. Then it puts me off taking her to the park as I don’t want to reward this behaviour.

So what? She's unhappy! she's allowed to feel unhappy/disappointed but then you punish her even more for feeling that way.. I think you and DH need to rethink your parenting strategies, honestly, you are expecting a 10 year old to act like an adult, and she isn't one, she's 10, I feel so sorry for her, an alcoholic mum and a dad and step mum who tell her off all the time for having feelings she can't articulate.

I’m not her mum. I can’t march her down to the GP for an assessment.

I am actively seeking strategies to change my approach. Read my posts please or just step away from the thread

She isn’t allowed to be rude, so if she refuses to speak to someone at the dinner table who asks her a question (do you want a drink) she will be told that it’s rude, because ignoring people is rude. She isn’t being subjected to punishment, she is punishing US with silence. Being upset is part of life, but refusing to speak to people and sulking is not emotionally healthy for any one. She is MORE than encouraged to open up and speak about her feelings, in fact that’s what gets her a lot of attention at times with people saying ‘are you ok? Do you want to tell me what’s wrong?’. Sulking and stonewalling isn’t something a child should be encouraged to do, however she is given space to process her feelings and she is always allowed and never punished to TELL us what’s wrong but she often won’t tell us. She didn’t get in trouble for asking me not to drink, I reassured her!

She doesn’t have an alcoholic mum

Please stop projecting your own insanity on to me please

This is 100% the wrong approach for a child with certain conditions. That is why an assessment matters.

a child with ASD needs home to be a safe space where they are not required to follow silly rules like always being required to talk during meals. In our home with multiple ASD members young and old, any person can declare they are going to go eat in private if they wish with zero consequences .

we often have lively dinner conversations with interesting discussions. My ASD child isn’t being raised to not be able to participate. Giving her freedom to respect her own needs gives her confidence and makes her better able to engage in the world.

She does not have ASD. She has anxiety and really not great coping skills with life in general.

I am going to bow out of this thread for good now as it’s completely just a waste of my time and energy.

I will take some of the rational advice about books though and I’ve ordered a feelings journal.

If you’re looking for comic strip type books that aren’t terrifying violent manga type, then there are other books if that style. My DD reads them. There are a couple of Warrior Cats books as graphic novels, and Margaret Atwood did one called Catbird. The library might have more that she could try before you spend actual money on any.

Sympathies with the issues you’re dealing with!

She isn’t allowed to be rude, so if she refuses to speak to someone at the dinner table who asks her a question (do you want a drink) she will be told that it’s rude

You said her dad 'tells her off' when she does this, you also said she's worried she will get told off so refuses to say what is wrong.. you have already decided her expectation is unreasonable before she has even voiced it, she knows you will say she is wrong so she stays quiet instead.

Neither of us are soft touches and she knows this, so often she will pre-empt that she is likely to be told off for having an unreasonable expectation - if she’s holding a grudge for something very minor then she wont voice it

Has it never occurred to you both to completely ignore the "bad" behaviour and praise the good? or is that parenting style too 'soft' for you? From your posts it like she is constantly being told off for not conforming to what you and her dad think she should be.. she's 10 years old.

You saying she is 'portraying herself as the victim', is quite frankly, disgusting.

Sorry you've not found much help here. On the off chance that you come back and read this, here are some things that might help with talking to an anxious child:

It's natural to want to immediately 'reassure' them and dismiss their fears as silly or completely unfounded, but this won't stop an anxious child (or adult for that matter) from feeling as though their fears are real. It will just make them feel like other people don't take them seriously or don't understand the 'danger' properly.

Feeling understood might be the most important thing for her. Instead of asking her questions or minimising her fears, describe your understanding of her experience based on what she's told you: 'I see that you have a lot going on in your head, and that you are scared of..... because of..... and this makes you feel.......' Give her an opportunity to correct you if get something wrong.

You can even do an 'identity swap' exercise where you basically pretend to be her and describe her fears from a first person perspective, then ask her if it sounds accurate.

Once she feels completely understood by you, there might be a break through with connection and trust.

I don't believe that any meaningful work can be done around addressing her anxiety without this connection in place, so I would focus on building connection and bonding.