AIBU to refuse stepdaughter’s request that I never drink alcohol?

[Klaap]

Am I being unreasonable to say that my 10-year-old stepdaughter shouldn’t be able to dictate whether I drink alcohol or not?

I’ve been with DH for many years and known SSD since she was a toddler.

DH and are not big drinkers and they are very rarely any occasions where we would be drinking around the children. However we got married a few months ago and at our wedding my stepdaughter objected to me drinking alcohol in the evening with my meal. I had a couple of glasses of red wine (which were included with the meal) when I was eating, and she got into a mood and complained that she thought that it was dangerous for me to be drinking and that bad things are going to happen because I would be drunk. The wedding night was then spent me defending myself to her to try to cajole her out of being in a mood that nothing bad was going to happen

she does have an issue with anxiety which her parents are meant to be dealing with. And I wasn’t sure if it was the wedding itself so just let this one go. However recently there was another occasion where I had ONE glass of wine socially when a friend visited us, and she also complained about that and asked me to promise that I would never drink alcohol ever again in front of her because she felt unsafe. I said no I would not promise this as I am a responsible adult but I would promise not to get drunk.

I asked my husband whether I was falling around drunk or if she had had a bad experience and he said that wasn’t the case at all. I do understand that if she had witnessed me falling around drunk and being extremely intoxicated that might be distressing when we asked her she said that she thought that I was talking louder than normal and she didn’t like it. I don’t think she ever seen anyone in a state but perhaps in school they teach them alcohol can be bad? We have explained too much alcohol or too regularly it can be bad for you.

The next occasion whether there may be some alcohol would be our annual 2 week family holiday to Europe where we may drink beer or wine with a meal. As she is 10, we would dine together every evening and one of the nights we are away is my birthday, so likely I might have a drink or 2, but now, what will I risk the wrath of a 10yo controlling me and going into a mood?

She does have a real tendency to go into these protracted moods where she will stonewall you and refuse to tell you what’s wrong, but you know something is wrong and after 2 days of being ignored (and carrying on as normal), I end up saying enough is enough SD, stop this now it’s unkind to ignore me. I don’t think this is at all a good strategy for a child to develop this way of handling conflict and I am quite concerned, as is DH but is ‘giving in’ appropriate here?

Whilst reading this I thought exactly the same. My dd is exactly like this, she strangely doesn't mind me drinking whatsoever but hates her stepdad drinking. I think in large part because I'll still just be sat on the couch in my jammies reading whereas dh is more likely to invite folks round or disappear to go visit folks, the unpredictability really unsettles her . He doesn't drink anymore thankfully, whereas I'm currently sat with a beer, she's sat right beside me right now.

Do her anxiety issues have anything to do with emetophobia? I would take a wild card guess that she could be emetophobic which is extremely common in young girls starting from age 8. They will often not admit it but instead end up being treated for OCD, anxiety, social anxiety, eating issues etc.

One form of emetophobia is being terrified of seeing other people throw up, which is can be associated with alcohol. Some emetophobes may attempt to control the the alcohol intake of those around them because they fear that person may become sick.

My DS used to tell me how many drinks I could have if we went out or on holiday (or he would try to). I was ‘allowed 4’.

This came from his Dads behaviour (my ex) When DS was 4 his Dad got drunk and was arrested whilst he had DS with him.

I wasn’t going to let a child dictate what I did, however I always tried to model great behaviours and ensure he knew that ‘I’ could have a few drinks without putting him in danger or acting like a knobhead.

I used to ignore the demands for the amount of drinks I could have and ignore the counting. I would distract if he sulked. I never got drunk in front of him and did make sure I wasn’t too loud or silly.

He is 20 now and still hasn’t seen me really drunk, despite us still going to gigs and on holidays together. Got to an age where I just can’t be bothered. He likes a few drinks now and his Dad is still an alcoholic who makes a fool out of himself on a regular basis.

oh....bit of a drip feed there OP. I am not sure what you should do about that one.....I mean I think she can't be allowed to control the house but I can see why she might have some genuine anxiety.

I'd not see anything wrong with suggesting she see a professional to talk this out. She obviously has issues beyond this. Initially I thought maybe she had some kind of health anxiety (as in rather than being concerned about you being "drunk", maybe she was concerned over the "poison" aspect of alcohol and you getting sick). Then when you mentioned the other half of the family, it sounds like it's more to do with knowing she knows she has no control over their choices as it's already their way of life but since its so spasmodic with you, she's probably just trying to prevent you from turning into them do you think? The easiest thing to do is probably to get someone she's not personally involved with to talk it through logically and let her work through her anxieties. I'd imagine most children who come from two homes have some sort of issues with various aspects of control.

I wonder if you and your DH are her safe, trusted people around whom she can relax. It sounds like perhaps she feels less safe around her mum - and that side of the family - when they are all drinking. I am the child of an alcoholic parent, they were never violent and not abusive per se, but they did a lot of stupid stuff 'messing around' which made me feel unsafe and like they couldn't take care of me. They'd also missed out on school performances and so forth. As an adult I still sometimes find it a bit triggering when my DH comes home after having a pint after work, and he barely drinks and wouldn't even be drunk, but him having just one beer suddenly makes me feel like an unsafe kid again.

So I absolutely don't think you are being unreasonable to want to have a couple of drinks at your wedding or on holiday etc. But I wonder if your DSD's anxiety is less about you drinking and more about the drinking she is exposed to when with her mum.

This

She has never talked about mum drinking I just know they do because step son will talk about it sometimes. I asked her about if she had seen someone drunk and she didn’t disclose she had seen them drinking or that it bothered her so I didn’t include this in my OP because I am not able to determine it’s upsetting her, it would be an assumption

You think OP should give up her very moderate alcohol consumption, even on celebratory occasions, because a ten-year-old wants her to? But the rest of the ten-year-old's family, who drink much more, are free to carry on?

My brain went like this

• 10 year olds might well think that marriage is the prequel to a new baby
• she may well have picked up on the messages about not drinking alcohol in pregnancy
• is this why she is so adamant about you in particular regarding alcohol?

just a thought.

but a reasonable assumption?

Poor kid..
It's good she had managed to tell you she feels scared when you have a drink. There must be more to it....

In time she will understand that you can drink moderately and still provide safety but it does sound like there's work to be done in understanding what has provoked this.
I dont think it's jealousy or wanting to spoil your fun and I do think it's to be taken seriously and you'll be able to get her to relax around it with time and understanding.

Absolutely this

I'd try to get to the bottom of her anxiety about drinking but I wouldn't let her tell you off for drinking Op, she's a child, you're an adult, no good comes of letting your DSD think she can order you about, it's a slippery slope

My parents didnt drink but if they did and I started dictating to them I can guarantee that I would only ever try it once 🤨

Kids go through phases of this I think. I remember it myself. I think it's when you're old enough to understand that adults are free to break the rules that your parents set for you and it's jarring. I was obsessively anti-drugs when I was about 11 and never shut up about it despite never having seen or known anyone used them.

Op shouldn't be allowed a glass of wine at her own wedding, or birthday? What if the child decides Op shouldn't be allowed to drive, or sit in her own living room next?

If you pander to this you'll make a rod for your own back as this one becomes a teenager, imo.

I remember my stepson at a similar age asking if I was drunk after a couple of glasses of wine. Turns out he had been learning about alcohol at school and how it is bad for you etc..

She has never talked about mum drinking I just know they do because step son will talk about it sometimes.

When I was a kid, my mum used to drink in the evenings and honestly she became a different person, it's hard to describe, more quick to annoyance, slower to respond to anything (seemingly deliberate), almost like she didn't want me there.. by the next morning she was back to being my lovely mum, then I used to feel terribly guilty about not feeling okay around her. We're 30 years on and certain people I find hard to be around when they are drunk because these act the same way as she used to.. I never say anything, but I avoid being around them in drinking occasions.

If her mum drinks, and she trusts you and feels safe around you I can see why she is freaked out by you drinking and becoming a bit different.

You shouldn't have to stop, but you could try being more understanding.. it may be coming from a place that she can't really comprehend objectively.

@Klaap I think you have handled it really well so far. You have made a promise that you can keep and is a reasonable compromise.

I woukd suggest that if there are alcohol issues within mum's famiky, this isnt about jealousy or anxiety and is a reaction to behavior she has witnessed.

I would make sure her dad (or you if you have a good enough bond) has a chat about why someone drinking upsets her so much.

What is rumour dh's relationship like with his ex? Sounds like there has been an incident that has unsettled her. Look after her to ensure there is not a safeguarding situation brewing

she got into a mood and complained that she thought that it was dangerous for me to be drinking and that bad things are going to happen because I would be drunk

These are not the words of a child who's had a lesson in school that alcohol is unhealthy.

They're the words of a child who's anxious and frightened about yet another adult in their life being drunk and unreliable. Either your dh or his ex has a lot to answer for, probably.

I get her. My dad and step mum were middle class social drinkers. Never drunk, perfectly in control, drank during meals and friends.

I hated it too. They spoke to me differently. Either more lovingly which was embarassing or by making subtle fun of me. They became loud and silly.

The state that made them relax is a state that made me umconfortable. I didn't feel safe in the same way. They of course thought they were absolutely fine. I however never said anything to them about it.

I don't drink at all as an adult. I never considered whether it was linked. One sure thing, I'm not autistic in any way!

Thanks for posting from your perspective. I kind of feel this is the impression I get from her that she doesn’t like these differences, it’s not major it’s just a slight change in your persona. You are slightly louder and maybe embarrassing. at my wedding I recall her saying this. Adult and child worlds collide sometimes and it is finding a balance that’s important

Why should she?

Its just a glass of wine and especially if it will be her Birthday while she is away. Why should she not be able to celebrate her own Birthday with a glass or two of wine if she wants to?

Her DSD doesn't get to dictate what she has and when. The OP having the odd glass of wine isn't the problem the SD is.

Surely they need to find out why she thinks and feels like this and help her to see that drinking alcohol in moderation is not a bad thing and nothing for her to be concerned about.

Well, that’s quite the dripfeed. She clearly doesn’t like her mum getting tipsy and is projecting that on to you, then.

She still, however, shouldn’t be allowed to dictate when you can have a glass of wine.