AIBU to refuse stepdaughter’s request that I never drink alcohol?

[Klaap]

Am I being unreasonable to say that my 10-year-old stepdaughter shouldn’t be able to dictate whether I drink alcohol or not?

I’ve been with DH for many years and known SSD since she was a toddler.

DH and are not big drinkers and they are very rarely any occasions where we would be drinking around the children. However we got married a few months ago and at our wedding my stepdaughter objected to me drinking alcohol in the evening with my meal. I had a couple of glasses of red wine (which were included with the meal) when I was eating, and she got into a mood and complained that she thought that it was dangerous for me to be drinking and that bad things are going to happen because I would be drunk. The wedding night was then spent me defending myself to her to try to cajole her out of being in a mood that nothing bad was going to happen

she does have an issue with anxiety which her parents are meant to be dealing with. And I wasn’t sure if it was the wedding itself so just let this one go. However recently there was another occasion where I had ONE glass of wine socially when a friend visited us, and she also complained about that and asked me to promise that I would never drink alcohol ever again in front of her because she felt unsafe. I said no I would not promise this as I am a responsible adult but I would promise not to get drunk.

I asked my husband whether I was falling around drunk or if she had had a bad experience and he said that wasn’t the case at all. I do understand that if she had witnessed me falling around drunk and being extremely intoxicated that might be distressing when we asked her she said that she thought that I was talking louder than normal and she didn’t like it. I don’t think she ever seen anyone in a state but perhaps in school they teach them alcohol can be bad? We have explained too much alcohol or too regularly it can be bad for you.

The next occasion whether there may be some alcohol would be our annual 2 week family holiday to Europe where we may drink beer or wine with a meal. As she is 10, we would dine together every evening and one of the nights we are away is my birthday, so likely I might have a drink or 2, but now, what will I risk the wrath of a 10yo controlling me and going into a mood?

She does have a real tendency to go into these protracted moods where she will stonewall you and refuse to tell you what’s wrong, but you know something is wrong and after 2 days of being ignored (and carrying on as normal), I end up saying enough is enough SD, stop this now it’s unkind to ignore me. I don’t think this is at all a good strategy for a child to develop this way of handling conflict and I am quite concerned, as is DH but is ‘giving in’ appropriate here?

DS hated me drinking at that age as he had witnessed his Dad being fall down drunk a couple of times. I have never been a big drinker so I guess if he saw me having one he had flashbacks. He's fine now he's an adult!

I've got two children with autism. Raising them without alcohol would have been fucking BRUTAL!

I'm afraid I'd shut this down and I'd not put up with the silent treatment either. She's growing up to be a controlling, manipulator - this will be how she treats her intimate partner as a grown up and its simply abusive.

Sounds damaged not rude imo

If she’s otherwise a good kid, I’d probably talk to her to understand what exactly it is that upsets her about it and try to work through that. Whether it’s a health concern - in which case do some research with her to show her that her anxiety is not aligned to reality, or if it’s behaviour changes then understand what they are to see if you can mitigate them - like can you agree to certain alcohol free days on holiday missed in with some where you have a couple of drinks for example.

No, she can’t dictate to you, but I think it depends where this is coming from as to how I’d deal with it. If it’s just obnoxiousness and control then no, you tell her you’ll do as you please. If she’s a good kid who is genuinely feeling upset by something in particular then I’d try to understand and see what I could do to help.

So she's in her puritan phase is she? Ultimately you have a choice. You can give her a platform to discuss this and allow her to be controlling or you can tell her firmly "Thank you for your opinion, but I'm an adult and I don't need permission. I drink very moderately and I intend to continue doing so."

As the child of an alcoholic, and as someone who rarely drinks, I get where she is coming from. People are different, even after one drink. That's why the drink driving limit is so low! She knows what her mother and her family are like when drunk, and can see a similarity in you, even if it rarely happens and not to their level. I suspect she sees you as a sensible adult who is always the same and very predictable, a safe space, and is worried that this safety will disappear. (I see other posters have mentioned autism - this type of thinking could be bottom up processing) I don't know what the answer is, though. There's definitely something else going on.

It might seem an odd suggestion, but maybe having a small glass of wine more often, at home, and demonstrating how it doesn't change you at all, would benefit her?

If she sees you as a person who doesn't drink, and then, just three or four times a year, you behave differently, maybe that's why she gets anxious. That it's out of character for you and a bit scary.

I know mumsnetters are generally horrified by this, but I most evenings, I have a very small glass of wine with my evening meal. I buy a bottle of wine a week, and don't always finish it, so it genuinely is a small glass.
If it became more routine (maybe you have a small glass with Sunday lunch) she'd have more opportunities to learn that it's okay, and you're still you after it.

Changing normal, reasonable behaviour to try and remove a source of anxiety is a really bad idea for anyone, but especially for a child. Having this much power over someone who is in a parental position is ultimately the scariest thing of all for a child.

I know a 11 you like this, they got a big "dont drink alcohol" talk at school and she has applied this info meant for 11yos to her parents

I’m not even sure why you are entertaining this. She’s 10, you are the adult. Tell her to mind her own business.

I think she's at an age where you suddenly start noticing adults drinking and it can and does make some uncomfortable. I was 10 when I started to realise my parents drank alcohol and I hated it. I asked them to stop. I probably demanded they stop too. They didn't, because - as you've said here, they were the adults and they did what they wanted. I was shit scared of it. I would loathe and dread the weekend cause they didn't drink during the working week. I would be in my bed, with the pillow over my head to pretend it wasn't happening.
Now, let me be 100% clear here - my parents weren't stumbling around drunk, and they weren't in any way unpleasant after a drink. That didn't matter. I couldn't deal with the fact that the adults had 'changed' and acted differently.

I grew up to be an adult who rarely drinks. I didn't drink at all in my student years - now I probably drink around 10 units in a year. I've never been drunk, ever. I still hate people people being under the influence. I don't mind my husband having a beer or two but any more makes me uncomfortable. Genuinely scared if it's enough to make him too different and again, I have to emphasise that he is in no way a threat, ever. My mind just can't deal with it.

Basically, what I saying is, don't be hard on her. Don't necessarily skip alcohol all the time, but appreciate where she's coming from. Children can't escape a situation they fear. As an adult, I can walk away, drive away, get away in some form from people drinking if I need to. I don't even have to put myself in the situation. But as a child, I couldn't do that. I had to just cope, albeit with the pillow over my head sometimes.

I can't tell you why I started fearing people drinking at age 10. Nothing bad happened to me. But I remember being the child who couldn't do anything to avoid it. You have so little control of your surroundings. You just have to exist while adults do their thing around you. Give her the grace and respect that maybe she's not trying to be controlling. She may be like me.

She sounds unsettled OP. Without knowing what’s causing it I expect she’s using the alcohol as a control thing, maybe she’s looking for reassurance. My only suggestion would be to keep the peace whilst her DPs work on her anxiety.

When you’re away drink what ever you like, just tell her it’s a mocktail 😂😂

As others have said - is there someone in her life who drinks?

or, hear me out. Is there any chance she’s on the Autistic spectrum? Because this is the kind of black and white thinking my kids have.

So if school did a lesson that drugs and alcohol are bad. Therefore any alcohol is equivalent in their minds to crack cocaine. Added to this the anxiety of parents splitting and remarrying, it could come out as an extreme phobia like anxiety.

Suspect she has seen someone violent when drunk. I am not keen on seeing my husband even tipsy because of an alcoholic father.

I don’t even drink and no, you are not being unreasonable.

It’s a bad sign that alcohol is making her so anxious but expecting you to change perfectly reasonable behaviour is not the way to go.

OP one my parents had a serious alcohol problem and I felt very unsafe at home because of it. Although they never physically harmed me, emotionally they did. They also did very stupid things like forgetting the grill was on and it going on fire. I cannot help but still be unnerved by certain situations involving drink and I am in my mid 40s now.

I think your dd is being quite negatively impacted by someone's drinking most likely a close female relative. She sees you as a safe person but becomes anxious the minute you drink because of her experiences. She cant help that if it is whats happening however that doesn't mean you need to stop drinking. You have made her a promise which by keeping she will see you do keep them. Continue to model to her safe and appropriate drinking habits because as she matures she should begin to realise your drinking is different and she has nothing to fear. Keep the lines of communication open. If she starts on at you when your drinking remind her that you promised not to get drunk so wont be but will be having 1 or 2 drinks. Let her know she can talk to you about what worries her about drinking if she wants. As she gets older she may well open up more about it all. I suspect you will find someone has displayed behaviour whilst drunk that has unnerved her or made he feel unsafe.

Poor kid. This is such classic behaviour of a child of an alcoholic. You are totally focusing on the wrong thing here. Of course, a 10 year old can’t demand you don’t drink on your wedding day. But how awful must her home life be that she is so anxious about your drinking. It’s bubbling up with you because you are a safe person. I say this as a recovering alcoholic, your dh needs to get to the bottom of what’s going on a home with her mum. 100% there are things happening that she is trying to tell you she needs your help with.

Aww this is actually really sad. You're her safe space and in her head alcohol makes people unpredictable which shes likely seen on her mothers side. It only takes 1 or 2 incidents for her to be terrified by drinking. She needs a lot of love and reassuring

I think you need to have a gentle talk with her about drinking before Easter holidays in a bit of unpicking and reassuring way. I would also focus on not giving out the vibes @Passaggressfedup described if you are drinking. However I would not tell her off for trying to stop you drinking. I know it looks like control but it comes from a point of concern so be gentle with her.
I would also ask at school if they discussed anything. Reacting so black and white is not a good sign. I wouldn’t say it’s autism but it’s unhealthy and better to be addressed.

The black and white thinking is more a trauma response the autism.

Does she do the same with DH when he drinks? It sounds like only you is affected?

Why did you need to ask DH whether you were falling over drunk in front of her? You’d know this surely?

In your post you felt the need to justify every drink eg. by saying wine was included with the meal or it was your birthday. Why are you being defensive to the Mumsnet readers?

I feel the your stepdaughter has seen drunken behaviour from family members, what about her Mum and Stepdad?

YANBU, and I think that if you do give in to this request, it would just reinforce her mistaken (IMO) belief that even small amounts of drink are dangerous.

However, I disagree with those who imply that she is just a cheeky brat who needs putting in her place. It's likely that she's had some negative experience with adults drinking, which has made her anxious. This does not necessarily mean alcoholism or falling-down-drunkenness, though it could. Some people become much more emotional and verbally aggressive when slightly drunk, and even if this doesn't reach levels of frank abuse, it can be very distressing to a child. Others may behave embarrassingly..

One other possibility is that she has been exposed to someone expressing very strong religious objections to alcohol (my Methodist grandmother called wine 'the Devil's brew') and has been given the impression that any drinking will lead to disaster, perhaps even to Hell!

I didn’t include about mum as I don’t want to make assumptions. I think SDC would tell me if mum had upset or worried her with alcohol because she tells me other things about mum She’s never said mums drinking bothers her. I asked DH if ex she drinks a lot he said she used to like to unwind with red wine most evenings (not getting drunk) and she used to get paralytic drunk at parties when the kids weren’t there, and he didn’t think she would get really drunk around the kids but her siblings and parents do drink quite heavily at family get togethers. Obviously he hasn’t been around her much coming up 10 years ago! Step son has pointed out the brand of red wine mum likes in a shop and I know they got her a bottle of spirits for her birthday last year via step dad because I remember thinking wtf that’s not very child appropriate

So it’s possible but I don’t want to jump to conclusions and not sure what I can do about this apart from model moderation and give reassurance to SDC.

She is under the local services for managing her anxiety yes

My DS, he's 11, told me I was an alcoholic as I sipped a glass of wine, the school has told them alcohol is Very Bad and anyone who drinks has a problem.

I told him that wasn't the case. His sister was told similarly and now rather likes a drink on a night out, although doesn't drink regularly (she's 17)

There is a lot to unpick with this

trying to control by withdrawing communication

making demands that are not appropriate

has your step daughter made other demands previously? Have other demands been agreed by other adults?