AIBU to refuse stepdaughter’s request that I never drink alcohol?

[Klaap]

Am I being unreasonable to say that my 10-year-old stepdaughter shouldn’t be able to dictate whether I drink alcohol or not?

I’ve been with DH for many years and known SSD since she was a toddler.

DH and are not big drinkers and they are very rarely any occasions where we would be drinking around the children. However we got married a few months ago and at our wedding my stepdaughter objected to me drinking alcohol in the evening with my meal. I had a couple of glasses of red wine (which were included with the meal) when I was eating, and she got into a mood and complained that she thought that it was dangerous for me to be drinking and that bad things are going to happen because I would be drunk. The wedding night was then spent me defending myself to her to try to cajole her out of being in a mood that nothing bad was going to happen

she does have an issue with anxiety which her parents are meant to be dealing with. And I wasn’t sure if it was the wedding itself so just let this one go. However recently there was another occasion where I had ONE glass of wine socially when a friend visited us, and she also complained about that and asked me to promise that I would never drink alcohol ever again in front of her because she felt unsafe. I said no I would not promise this as I am a responsible adult but I would promise not to get drunk.

I asked my husband whether I was falling around drunk or if she had had a bad experience and he said that wasn’t the case at all. I do understand that if she had witnessed me falling around drunk and being extremely intoxicated that might be distressing when we asked her she said that she thought that I was talking louder than normal and she didn’t like it. I don’t think she ever seen anyone in a state but perhaps in school they teach them alcohol can be bad? We have explained too much alcohol or too regularly it can be bad for you.

The next occasion whether there may be some alcohol would be our annual 2 week family holiday to Europe where we may drink beer or wine with a meal. As she is 10, we would dine together every evening and one of the nights we are away is my birthday, so likely I might have a drink or 2, but now, what will I risk the wrath of a 10yo controlling me and going into a mood?

She does have a real tendency to go into these protracted moods where she will stonewall you and refuse to tell you what’s wrong, but you know something is wrong and after 2 days of being ignored (and carrying on as normal), I end up saying enough is enough SD, stop this now it’s unkind to ignore me. I don’t think this is at all a good strategy for a child to develop this way of handling conflict and I am quite concerned, as is DH but is ‘giving in’ appropriate here?

Yanbu at all.

You definitely need to explore with her why she is worried about you drinking alcohol (is it only you or all adults?).

Then explain as you already have done that whilst some people can behave badly when they’re drunk, you will not do that and you are making a promise to her that you will never get drunk when she’s there. Then also explain that whilst you’ve made this promise, it’s not fair of her to tell you that you can’t drink occasionally and that you will be having a drink sometimes.

My autistic niece was like this about smoking and alcohol around that age - she would go on and on about it. She wouldn't accept it was none of her business what choices adults made about their health and lifestyle.

She was a pain the the arse for a few years there, to be honest. (And I'm a nonsmoker so god knows how the smokers in the family felt).

Your DSD's anxiety is the issue, not the very moderate levels of drinking that your post suggests. And allowing her to dictate a no-drinking policy would set up a pattern of behaviour that will do more harm in the long term. Would having a glass of wine when she's with you before the holiday get her used this?

It might not be down to personal experience. Some kids are just very black and white in their thinking, and also like to exert control. It’s honestly very possible that she saw something about drinking on TV or they were learning about alcohol in school or something, or even she’s had a conversation with a friend, and she’s the sort of child who has an obsessive mindset and likes to control things to feel seen, safe, or even just the centre of attention.

OP, of course you shouldn’t stop drinking alcohol because a 10-year-old sulks and kicks off. I think you and DH need to have some calm and kind conversations with her about being proportionate and how drinking in moderation is a safe thing for adults to do and that you will not be drunk around her, certainly. And I would ask her very clearly why she has started fretting about it and if she has seen or heard something that’s worried her, so you can reassure her. But have those conversations at a time when you’re not about to open a bottle of wine on holiday or whatever. Make it more neutral. And if and when she does start making a fuss again, your DH needs to be firm with her and make it clear that no, she doesn’t get to tell adults what to do, and no, she doesn’t get to sulk and scowl for hours when she doesn’t get her own way.

Have you driven after these 1 or 2 drinks? That might explain the reaction. I imagine teens are currently taught a zero tolerance attitude to drinking and driving (which is correct IMO)

i completely agree with your standpoint here. what i will say (and echo another poster), this could be autism related.

i was diagnosed later in life but as a child i absolutely could not cope with my parents or adults around me drinking alcohol. i found it scary when they would talk loudly/be a bit wobbly.

obviously as an adult, i realise that’s ridiculous but as a child i would feel unsafe/uneasy, as they are usually responsible people so when you see them acting differently it can be frightening.

like i said, i am autistic so would find any changes from my routine unsettling - perhaps it could be this? xx

First thought: who or what has triggered this for her? Is it her mum or a boyfriend of her mum's who she has seen drinking and behaving in a way that worried her?

Secondly, what is your husband, her dad, doing to help her through this fixation? It all seems to have fallen on you.

Tell her it’s non alcoholic wine lol! I was this 10 year old and it drove my parents absolutely mad.

looking back now in my 40s I can understand that it happened because I saw my dad get very drunk (once!) on holiday and I got really jealous because he hardly paid us any attention (and still doesn’t) but yet he was laughing and laughing away to this new guy he’d just met. I remember feeling outraged, jealous, angry, and thinking he looked so stupid lolling around drunk like that. So then I made a big thing about being teetotal and wouldn’t even touch a wine glass and objected very very loudly and annoyingly to whenever either of my parents drank. Which they did a fair bit of socially, it was the 90s. They didn’t stop at all, they just rolled their eyes at me or got angry at me or wanted to record it to play it when I was 18. They never sat me down for a chat about why, and I don’t think I wud have even known. But looking back it was just because they didn’t really show that they loved me in a way I understood - ie paid attention to me, especially my dad.

I got over it and drank myself when I grew up. It was definitely a control thing rather than anything else. I knew I was driving them crazy and that gave me a tiny bit of power.

I don’t know if she will understand her reasoning herself at that age, so you might just have to have patience, reassure her nothing is going to happen, and let it pass. And she’s not even your daughter, so this is not your responsibility, but it might help to make sure her mum and dad are spending quality time with her.

it’s just an idea anyway, she might not be the same as me at all! But hope it makes you feel better that she will come out normal in the end!

I think sometimes kids just get things out of perspective. As I child I was worried about cancer because I’d heard my grandmother talking about how you get it so I worried it would happen to my Mum . My SD worried about us going in the sea because of sharks . There doesn’t necessarily have to be a deep seated reason for her worry but you and her father shouldn’t be letting it control your behaviour

first answer nails it....or has someone else made an untrue comment about your alcohol consumption? I am also going to say its an odd controlling thing for her to say to you "because I feel unsafe" Could she have been coached by somebody?

This is crazy. Don’t let her dictate your behaviour otherwise she’ll do it forever. Tell her to stop.

A friend of a friend’s daughter (who I think probably is autistic, although equally a lot of her behaviours could be explained by the way she’s been parented) is like that about tattoos and piercings. I have both and have endured three social events now at which she’s primly berated me for them.

No way would a child dictate whether I have a glass of wine with my dinner. Whatever she’s been taught about alcohol is worrying, and she needs her dad to have a word with her.

“I feel unsafe” sounds to me like something she might have picked up from school lessons about mental health and feelings, and she’s now slightly weaponising it.

Is the drinking alcohol related to all adults or just you? Is she OK with her Dad or Mum having an alcoholic drink? Does her Mum have a partner? It could be something as simple as witnessing a relative drunk at a social occasion or being taught about the perils of alcohol at school?

You mention that your step-daughter suffers from anxiety. Is she having any therapy to help her cope with her anxieties? This alcohol issue is something that needs to be mentioned to her therapist (if she's seeing one). Does she display controlling behaviour in other ways? Control is often a way that people try to cope with anxiety.

Your step-daughter mentions that alcohol being consumed around her, makes her feel unsafe. I wonder if she has witnessed someone drunk...Mum, Mum's partner (if she has one), another family member? This isn't something that your husband is necessarily going to know about. Perhaps the person was loud/aggressive/fell over etc?

I think you and your husband need to sit your step-daughter down and try to probe her on why she feels unsafe if alcohol is consumed around her. Having 2 glasses of wine doesn't constitute to being drunk. I also think you are correct to not pander to your step-daughter's demands that you don't drink at all.

Does she have very sensitive hearing? My son does and you unexpectedly talking louder than normal near him would be unpleasant for him. I don't think you should stop drinking around her, but I do think you and DH have responsibility to find out why she made the request. Something about you drinking upsets her, and just leaving it as something that happens, but upsets her each time is not ok.

With anxiety, the worst thing you can do is avoid the source of anxiety, so you're actually not helping her if you stop drinking. That she feels like this is certainly something to help her with though.

It sounds like there is another adult in her life who is scarey when drunk. Do you know anything about her mum's partners since breaking up with her dad?

It's not reasonable for a 10yo to control the drinking habits of any adult. However she clearly needs help and she's not going to just be rationalised-out of this anxiety. It would be unreasonable to take her on holiday and drink before having found a way to give her psychological support and help to cope with and not feel threatened by adults drinking responsibly

Someone needs to get to the bottom of her anxiety or beliefs about alcohol.

If she thinks something bad is going to happen, all her “moods” and “controlling” is fear.

At a similar age my son found out alcohol is a poison, he was worried about our motives and what could happen if we drank too much. We spoke facts.

I forgot to add, that however irrational they are, I wouldn’t dismiss her worries, but try to rationalise them. For example, if she has a healthy, varied diet with the occasional treat, tell her it’s just like that. Sugar /takeaways in excess can cause health problems, however one once in a while makes no difference in the moment, or long term.

Whilst she might have a scary drunk in her life, she may also not. My DDs seem to think that the one alcoholic drink I have, perhaps once a month, is a sign that I am a raging alcoholic. I think that must come from school.

Funnily enough my DD went through this phase at a similar age and would get distressed when I would drink socially. She was later diagnosed with autism. She’s got over herself now thank goodness!

Kids don't get to tell adults what to do .

Any issues refer her to her father. No idea why people are indulging this . And then to sulk or tantrum . Even if she does turn out to have autism , there are situations and boundaries that she does not get to dictate . I come from an empathetic point re autism as I worked with people . They have to be able to reasonablely negotiate the world they have to live in. As a stepmom I would let her parents deal with this . And clear expectations on holiday should be explained. Imagine if she behaved like that ? No matter what is going on with her this behavior is not acceptable.

I am going to be flamed for this but just a different opinion. I don't need any nasty personal comments . You can just disagree.

Does she do this to her Dad (or anyone else) or is it just you?
Is there anything that explains her objection/ fear?

Whilst it would be useful to get to the bottom of where this came from, I definitely don't think you should obey and pander to her. Not getting drunk fair enough (though you don't) but allowing her to control you with hectoring and moods is not the answer. She's only 10 and if she learns that is what works then God help you in the teenage years every time she wants her own way.

She is being silly, as you are well aware so explain to her ONCE calmly that you are a very careful drinker, never have too much and that she must not worry.

Then enjoy your two glasses of wine. What you drink is not her business as long as you are sober enough to take care of her.