AIBU to refuse stepdaughter’s request that I never drink alcohol?

[Klaap]

Am I being unreasonable to say that my 10-year-old stepdaughter shouldn’t be able to dictate whether I drink alcohol or not?

I’ve been with DH for many years and known SSD since she was a toddler.

DH and are not big drinkers and they are very rarely any occasions where we would be drinking around the children. However we got married a few months ago and at our wedding my stepdaughter objected to me drinking alcohol in the evening with my meal. I had a couple of glasses of red wine (which were included with the meal) when I was eating, and she got into a mood and complained that she thought that it was dangerous for me to be drinking and that bad things are going to happen because I would be drunk. The wedding night was then spent me defending myself to her to try to cajole her out of being in a mood that nothing bad was going to happen

she does have an issue with anxiety which her parents are meant to be dealing with. And I wasn’t sure if it was the wedding itself so just let this one go. However recently there was another occasion where I had ONE glass of wine socially when a friend visited us, and she also complained about that and asked me to promise that I would never drink alcohol ever again in front of her because she felt unsafe. I said no I would not promise this as I am a responsible adult but I would promise not to get drunk.

I asked my husband whether I was falling around drunk or if she had had a bad experience and he said that wasn’t the case at all. I do understand that if she had witnessed me falling around drunk and being extremely intoxicated that might be distressing when we asked her she said that she thought that I was talking louder than normal and she didn’t like it. I don’t think she ever seen anyone in a state but perhaps in school they teach them alcohol can be bad? We have explained too much alcohol or too regularly it can be bad for you.

The next occasion whether there may be some alcohol would be our annual 2 week family holiday to Europe where we may drink beer or wine with a meal. As she is 10, we would dine together every evening and one of the nights we are away is my birthday, so likely I might have a drink or 2, but now, what will I risk the wrath of a 10yo controlling me and going into a mood?

She does have a real tendency to go into these protracted moods where she will stonewall you and refuse to tell you what’s wrong, but you know something is wrong and after 2 days of being ignored (and carrying on as normal), I end up saying enough is enough SD, stop this now it’s unkind to ignore me. I don’t think this is at all a good strategy for a child to develop this way of handling conflict and I am quite concerned, as is DH but is ‘giving in’ appropriate here?

Funny you say this - DS has a massive problem with me drinking the very occasional glass of wine and he is autistic.

It sounds like she'd benefit from some counselling. She's clearly got feelings she can't process in a healthy way and it's coming out in her behaviour and making everyone unhappy, her included.

This should have been nipped in the bud immediately. She has no right to dictate when an adult should enjoy a drink or not.

She seems neurodivergent

Yes she’s meant to be doing this. I will remind dad to follow this up

@Klaap you sound like a very caring person and I hope you find resolution to this.

It's so much more difficult for you when it's not your own child and she doesn't live with you full time.

If I had a suggestion it would be, can you ignore the sulky behaviour and just continue as normal? You could even try telling her that's what you're doing, as in "I can see you're feeling grumpy but that isn't going to change xyz" and leave her to crack on.

I do think you're right about her being stuck in a negative spiral - the bad behaviour makes her feel bad, which drives more bad behaviour. Could you perhaps try something like "oh, I see grumpy Sally has appeared, can I talk to happy Sally?" ?

You must think about it as a legal challenge as it seems there's some coaching going on. You should give up all drinking in front of her at least. You don't need the hassle of being registered by GP, school or child services as a drinker (which obviously you're not) as this'll mess up your future if you decide to have the children of your own. Your husband will have to speak to her to set boundaries she cannot cross. Do not cajole but don't act fed up, listen to her and calmly, without bad emotions and point out when she's wrong. She's your responsibility too therefore you have a strong say in her behaviour.

I really don’t think a GP or Social Worker would label someone as a drinker, just because an anxious 10 year old thinks they are?

we do ignore it until it becomes rude, so if we are eating together and she won’t respond to a simple enquiry DH will tell her off. I try not to tell her off in this way as I am not her parent, but I will try to correct her or set an example of behaviour and explain things to her in an understandable way. Neither of us are soft touches and she knows this, so often she will pre-empt that she is likely to be told off for having an unreasonable expectation - if she’s holding a grudge for something very minor then she wont voice it (because it’s usually rude and not appropriate and she doesn’t like to get told off ) but she can’t seem to process resentment, rejection or disappointment this in a healthy way, so she will retreat and punish you with silence. Adults behaving this way would be seen as emotionally abusive so DH is very keen to nip this in the bud.

She is so sensitive to any criticism, even completely unintentional. If we said we were tired, she might decide in her mind we are tired of her and she would go into the sulking mood. She sometimes is open to seeing she’s unreasonable when she comes out of the mood but she always portrays herself as the victim in every situation. I feel very sorry for her as this is not a happy way to live

this is more noticeable in the last year. So it’s not ND I don’t think

You should give up all drinking in front of her at least.

I'm sorry, but I think this is really bad advice. Not just because it majorly infringes OPs personal rights, but because a 10 year old should not be given the responsibility that comes with changing the behaviour of the adults who care for her - it puts a huge amount of pressure on her.

This child seems to be very self-aware for a 10 year old - so she does know when her behaviour is sub-optimal (shall we say - I'm trying to avoid labels like "bad"). I think she needs a lot of kindness and understanding - as @FattyMallow says above, try to listen without reacting badly; and maybe, when she's calm, try to help her think how she might manage situations differently.

It sounds like you have ended up as her safest, most stable adult figure. Is it also a power play, like when a stepchild always insists on sitting in the front of a car, and the stepmother is forced to sit in the back?

I think I would be tempted to give it as little air as possible. "Maisie, you're not the boss of this family, you don't get to tell adults what to do." Then move on. Let her sulk if she wants to.

My 10 year old is like this. We think she autistic (I am); she has a lot of worries and rules and black and white thinking so alcohol is only bad. My father was an alcoholic so I know what problem drinking is but she has never been exposed to anything of that nature and I don't talk about my father to her. We are just firm that sometimes grown ups like a glass of wine with a meal and that she doesn't need to worry.

I think its definitely power play.

I absolutely agree, so when she doesn’t have the power this is what sets off the almighty sulk. It’s so frustrating when this plays out because it’s almost a self fulfilling prophecy! The more she tries to control the situation the more control she loses and then the more resentment grows. Also you don’t want to reward the behaviour so she misses out on things she likes and a lot of negative attention is spent trying to cajole her. I know we are the safe space - I think at mums she’s putting on a front and then when she gets home, it all comes out

She insisted on getting rid of a lot of her toys as felt they were babyish but this means she often has nothing to do. Once she is bored the power play is worse. I try to encourage her to find things to do like crafts but she’s often so listless and miserable

I think that an adult who has been drinking - even not that much - can feel really unsafe to a child. As other posters have said, they can pick up on the changes in behaviour that come with the consumption of even relatively small amounts of alcohol.

It also sounds like she views you as one of the safest adults in her life.

So I don’t think it’s particularly difficult to unpick.

Personally I think I wouldn’t take the ‘you don’t get to tell me what to do’ road - I think it could be counterproductive in the longer term.

Does her mother / mother's boyfriend / husband drink a lot?

BS! Just because the cause is not easily identifiable or cognitively explainable does not mean there isn’t one! There is nearly always a reason.

I didn’t suggest to ‘dig around’ in the child’s past but in this instance the child has developed a worry and anxiety related to her caregiver drinking. I would suggest that should be understood and supported rather than she be told the OP is a grown and she should mind her business because she’s JUST a child regardless of how she’s feeling internally.

My DD (autistic) had a similar issue as a child. Now as a young adult has realized that things are more nuanced. Unfortunately the intersection between black and white thinking, and being taught at school about the dangers of alcohol, make for this sort of issue. Very frustrating!

ND doesn’t just have to be autism. ADHD has a lot of traits you’ve mentioned. Not being able to tolerate being bored is a big one. Rejection sensitivity disorder/dysphoria is another one, as is controlling behaviour. My youngest doesn’t have any kind of diagnosis but I’ve referred for an adhd assessment as she has a lot of anxiety around several things and massing RSD, also struggles to be bored and it has effected her mental health loads.

Is she much of a reader? Getting out of their own heads and into the "other world'" of books can be great for kids like this, I think.

Does it matter why she is doing this, ND or not, she is still doing it and even if it’s ND, it will be dealt with the same way. This isn’t going to make any difference frankly.

If she gets a diagnosis within the next week she will still be moody sulking. It’s not helpful to be told repeatedly it’s ND. This does not help. I am looking for practical strategies. There isn’t some magic ND pill or solution that will stop this, we would have to do the work regardless.

This is what she needs I think but she reads comic strip books and not real meaty books. I took her out to buy books and she just chose very easy reading. I wonder what books would be good?

It really sounds like she s processing a lot, plus if she clashes with her mom then she s maybe feeling unlovable and putting up lots of tests for you to sss what it will take to push you away as she s feeling unworthy.

play therapy helped in our home - dd really needsd space to work through some issues. And honestly at this age they have the language but don’t understand it - so talking is just not what they need. They feel. They need to work through those feelings . She s so little her driver will her her own feelings she s not trying to control you she s seeing what will it take to make you realise she is not worthy of your love. It s find to maintain healthy boundaries for reassurance. It s so draining when as the parent it feels like you are giving and giving and it s not enough too.

My daughter pretty much refused to read independently until she was 9 or 10. I suspect she thought that if she read for herself then I would stop reading a bedtime story with her - which of course was not the case.

What got her reading independently was Harry Potter. I didn't have time to read to her in the daytime, and she wanted to know what would happen next ...

However, there are really good "comic strip" books nowadays (I think they call them "graphic novels" 🙂) aimed at all ages. Here's a helpful list for KS2 readers

TBH, I wouldn't worry about the quality of what she's reading so long as it engages her.

I think you’re missing the point re ND. Strategies for NT children often don’t work on ND children however strategies for ND will benefits NT.

Controlling behaviour in children does not come from a place of spite or malice. It is usually coming from a place of anxiety. Figuring out what the issue is will be the main thing to do here. How you go about it can help or make things worse.

I’m currently reading a book called The explosive child. It’s available on audible to listen to and possibly free through places like BorrowBox through your library. Whilst the OP’s child isn’t explosive I think some of the strategies would be very useful. Particularly advice around collaborating on a solution with your child after asking the right questions to get the information needed. ‘I can see you’re upset about me drinking alcohol on special occasions. Can you tell me more about why this upsets you!’ Allowing silence to process the question and saying they can take their time to answer. Not suggesting you know the reasons. It might then lead to an explanation of where the anxiety comes from. The asking if child has any suggestions as to how they can move past this without OP stopping drinking altogether. The book explains it in more detail.

But treating it anxiety, validating and coming up with a solution together or partly together would be the way forward. Accusing her of being sulky and controlling isn’t helpful.