AIBU to refuse stepdaughter’s request that I never drink alcohol?

[Klaap]

Am I being unreasonable to say that my 10-year-old stepdaughter shouldn’t be able to dictate whether I drink alcohol or not?

I’ve been with DH for many years and known SSD since she was a toddler.

DH and are not big drinkers and they are very rarely any occasions where we would be drinking around the children. However we got married a few months ago and at our wedding my stepdaughter objected to me drinking alcohol in the evening with my meal. I had a couple of glasses of red wine (which were included with the meal) when I was eating, and she got into a mood and complained that she thought that it was dangerous for me to be drinking and that bad things are going to happen because I would be drunk. The wedding night was then spent me defending myself to her to try to cajole her out of being in a mood that nothing bad was going to happen

she does have an issue with anxiety which her parents are meant to be dealing with. And I wasn’t sure if it was the wedding itself so just let this one go. However recently there was another occasion where I had ONE glass of wine socially when a friend visited us, and she also complained about that and asked me to promise that I would never drink alcohol ever again in front of her because she felt unsafe. I said no I would not promise this as I am a responsible adult but I would promise not to get drunk.

I asked my husband whether I was falling around drunk or if she had had a bad experience and he said that wasn’t the case at all. I do understand that if she had witnessed me falling around drunk and being extremely intoxicated that might be distressing when we asked her she said that she thought that I was talking louder than normal and she didn’t like it. I don’t think she ever seen anyone in a state but perhaps in school they teach them alcohol can be bad? We have explained too much alcohol or too regularly it can be bad for you.

The next occasion whether there may be some alcohol would be our annual 2 week family holiday to Europe where we may drink beer or wine with a meal. As she is 10, we would dine together every evening and one of the nights we are away is my birthday, so likely I might have a drink or 2, but now, what will I risk the wrath of a 10yo controlling me and going into a mood?

She does have a real tendency to go into these protracted moods where she will stonewall you and refuse to tell you what’s wrong, but you know something is wrong and after 2 days of being ignored (and carrying on as normal), I end up saying enough is enough SD, stop this now it’s unkind to ignore me. I don’t think this is at all a good strategy for a child to develop this way of handling conflict and I am quite concerned, as is DH but is ‘giving in’ appropriate here?

I do think some children find it quite unsettling when parents (or parental figures) have altered behaviour, which can happen when tipsy etc., so it may be she’s just very sensitive to that. Obviously that doesn’t mean you have to comply with her request but it’s perhaps coming from a place of being anxious.

How are her parents actually dealing with her anxiety, is she seeing a professional? Is she quite black and white about rules, give and take, how things need to happen in general?

She is being very rude and controlling,. She needs to be properly told off and put in her place or she will turn into a very unpleasant adult.

Fears around 'something bad happening' if you have a drink, feeling unsafe and wanting reassurance that you will never do it again, might be symptomatic of OCD. I had similar obsessive fears as a child and obviously at that age did not understand what was happening to me, so I became very withdrawn at times.

This is what you take from the OP? Seriously?

Does her mother drink to excess when she is at her home. Could she be a secret drinker and it upsets your dsd, but out of loyalty to her mother hasn’t told anyone ?

Why did you marry into such annoyance?
Tell him deal with his child and that you have no intention of discussing this again or being dictated too by some 10 year old madam, anxiety or not.
She will only get a lot worse.
Stop entertaining her.
What on earth were you thinking marrying into such a shit show?

that's what i thought.....

🤣🤣🤣 none of her business. Why does she think it’s her place to say stuff like this? Fair enough trying to have a conversation with her about it but l wouldn’t be complying.

You’ve been given some really sensible advice already but I’d definitely nip this in the bud asap. I’ve got both bio children and a stepdaughter & I think many of us feel more cautious with & pussy foot around with our step kids than we do with biological children, it’s a tougher balancing act. I think I’d sit down with her & DH & just really try gently to get to the bottom of where this is all coming from. Is this something that she’s just picked up from the media/playground that alcohol is wrong or is it something she has direct experience of?

If you have a good relationship with her Mum, it might also be worth discussing this with her and whether SD is experiencing any other signs of anxiety? And if there is a pattern, perhaps talk to her school about what kind of support they can offer.

Children shouldn’t see adults drunk it has a profoundly damaging impact on them. So it doesn’t have to be something awful that has happened around alcohol it could just be she understandably dislikes seeing adults drunk

You just carry on being the adult here. A firm no with reassurance. Consistency is key for children.

Her father needs to address this at a deeper level than your step-mom is just going to drink whether you like it or not. Something is going on with your step-daughter. In the short term, you may need to adjust your behavior so that she feels comfortable in her own family while the greater issues are being addressed.

I’d be worried that she’s experienced something which has given her a fear of drunken people. Does her mother drink? Does she have a step father that could be drunk and scary, could there be DV going on in her other household after people drink, maybe she’s being exposed to shouting, screaming smashed plates/doors etc when people are drunk. That would give a child a fear of alcohol like she’s demonstrating. I think this could be likely, especially as you said she has a tendency to stonewall you for days, maybe it’s because she’s handling things she doesn’t want to openly talk about.

I think instead of you trying to defend yourself and make out that she’s being a problem the first thing you need to do is give her a safe space to open up and talk to you about things. Ask her gently why she is frightened of alcohol, ask if she’s seen people get drunk and act scary before and tell her it’s ok to talk to you about it and make sure she feels safe that you having one or two drinks is not going to lead to that scary behaviour she’s trying to avoid.

I think at 10 years old she must have seen this behaviour before and that’s why she’s frightened, I’d focus on that first.

Why on earth is a 10 year old even allowed to have an opinion on whether or not you have a glass of wine. It's absolutely none of her business whatsoever. I certainly wouldn't go on holiday with this obnoxious brat.

Poor kid must have a reason why she is afraid of adults drinking alcohol. Having said that, she does not get to dictate. I think you need to talk to her about it, explain that not all adults drink too much, promise nothing bad will happen and keep reminding her of those occasions when you had a drink without anything bad happening when she raises it again in future.

You sound positively nasty.

Would she understand an analogy with eating or driving? That eating cake or sweets is lovely but eating too much of them is bad, that driving carefully is fine but driving too fast is bad?

As others have said, she might have been taught something or seen someone drunk to spark this off, but it sounds to me as if she might have just picked up on you being slightly different when you’ve had a drink, perhaps more relaxed and more talkative, and it makes her feel uneasy because you’re not being the "normal" you. If you look at it like that, it’s a compliment to you because you are her safe person. I remember hating it the first time I saw my mother fully made-up - she just didn’t look like the "real" her.

But your SD will just have to learn to put up with it and realise that she can’t control what other people do. (Just as it would be unrealistic for you to try to get her to promise never to eat sweets, because eating too many would be bad for her teeth and health.) You have bern more than forbearing in promising never to get drunk; she should not be encouraged to expect any more than that.

Yes my DS would have reacted this way to my having a glass of wine when she was younger, she does have an autism diagnosis. She’s 15 now and doesn’t seem bothered anymore but like op, I very rarely drink anyway

oh come on, of course she shouldn't be dictating what you do. You need to address her anxiety and her feelings, or more precisely, your dh does. He needs to have some chats with her about how she's finding things, how have things been since the wedding etc etc and open up a dialogue so she can express her feelings. Something is clearly bugging her and your dh needs to get to the bottom of it.

Hm. My mother drank very little but I hated being around her which she did, because she would be tiddly and a bit loud on even one glass of wine. Do you know how much a glass of wine affects you?

Theres a big movement against alcohol

But I find that once someone slaps you with a 'she drinks too much' label, you can't come back from it

Its used to control people

Anyway, yanbu by the sounds of it, she needs to mind her 10 year old business x

@Klaap

Would it really be a big deal for you to just not have a glass of wine when in her presence??

Definitely can't let a 10 year old dictate but it does sound like black & white thinking, maybe using some 'social stories' with pictures would reassure her that she is safe when you are looking after her and teach her to recognise 'how big is my problem's loads of resources online via speech therapist sites or an image search.

That's absurd. There is nothing wrong with having a glass of wine. Why on earth would the OP bow to a 10 year-old's irrational demands?