AIBU to feel hurt that my in-laws want to exclude me from the celebratory promotion dinner for my husband?

[OneFirmBlueShaker]

Hi all, looking for some perspective on a situation with my husband's parents. My husband and I dated for 9 years before getting married 6 years ago - we've been together since I was 19 and he was 23, no kids. He just got a huge promotion and I'm so proud - I've been his number one support system, standing by him since we were both struggling and starting out in our careers. We had a clear agreement that I'd take on more household duties so he could focus on his career (I was working full-time too, but we decided together this was the best approach for us). I sacrificed a lot to help him get there, including date nights and time together.

His parents want to take him out for dinner to celebrate... and I'm not invited. I feel hurt and excluded, like they're overlooking my part in his success. When he said he wouldn't go without me, his mum said "A son is a son til he takes a wife" and "God forbid a son is just a son for one evening and goes to a celebratory dinner without his wife with his parents for one evening". Basically implying we're being unreasonable. My husband stood up for me, saying "Mom, Dad, it's not about me going to dinner without Kate - it's about celebrating my promotion with my partner. We're a team, and her support is what helped me get here. Excluding her feels like you're not acknowledging that."

Here's the thing - they've always included me in everything, treats us like a married unit, equal birthday gifts, Christmas, etc. I thought they saw me as a daughter. I'm hurt because it feels like they're suddenly excluding me now, when it matters most. This promotion affects our daily life as a couple, besides just my husband. I can't imagine if the roles were reversed and we'd said "FIL, we'll take you out for his birthday, but MIL, you can't come" .

What stings even more is that MIL and I are usually super close - I probably text her more than my husband does 😅. Given our relationship, you'd think she'd reach out to clear the air, especially after my husband told them how hurt I was. Feels like they're doubling down on being hurtful rather than caring about my feelings. Am I being unreasonable to expect to be included in this celebration?

Yanbu

what did they say in response to his question?
very odd and I’d take a big step back from them

That’s really odd. As a mum of two boys, I know in the future that I would like time with just them. But important occasions like this are for you all to celebrate together.

This is just very very odd if you get on well and are normally included?

Unless you eat with your fingers and flick gravy at everyone? 😁

His mom just said they want to celebrate with just him as a son and not as a husband for one evening that she likes me a lot but as his mother she feels like he wouldn’t be a disloyal husband to give his mom’s feelings some consideration and my husband said, something along the lines but you aren’t considering the feelings of your DIL who has been part of your family for many years. I’m going to call my mil later and clear the air and see if I inadvertently did something to offend her because given our relationship and the fact that we are family this is an odd response from her you think she would have said something in response to my husband more along the lines of, “oh my I love Kate I would never mean to hurt her.”

Does your dh never go out with just his mum or his dad? Do you never go out with family on your own?

I honestly don't think it's that bad them wanting a meal out with just their son.

They include you and treat you equally in everything usually, which is lovely, but on this occasion they just want a bit of time with him.

Very weird behaviour unless there is a conversation they want to have with hin in private?
When my kids graduate or get a promotion etc I wouldn’t even think about not inviting their partners

I totally get that! Since his mom and I do things solo like shopping etc (husband is always invited but like most men doesn’t prefer to go shopping with women for womanly things ya know?) I would get it she said, “hey let’s meet for coffee and have a mother son coffee date.” But a dinner that’s framed as celebrating my husband where both parents are invited seeks a bit more formal and if they have each other there it turns into a couple’s dinner so why can’t he have his spouse there when the celebration is celebrating him ya know? I’m just venting some more I’m not directing the question at you.

Initially I thought this was very unfair and I wound feel hurt as well. But also consider that he is their child they want to celebrate with him. Even if they love you, you will never be their daughter, if you are always tagging along they may want some alone time with him.

Do you take over when you’re all together maybe?

Right! I can’t imagine I am so close to my mil and have been in their family since I was a teenager what they couldn’t discuss with me there? And let’s say they wanted to discuss something with him private they shouldn’t frame it as celebrating his promotion bc obviously it’s going to offend his wife their DIL. If it was a discussion on say inheritances just say, “hey we need to make just us and you to discuss inheritances.” But to turn it into a whole dinner where I’m excluded seems a bit much and sends the message I’m not really family when it counts

You’re coming across as extremely controlling, yes it would be nice to all celebrate together but it’s really not that weird or personal for parents to want to celebrate with their son or see him on his own.

Given you don’t have kids, how much did you actually “sacrifice” for your DH to get his promotion as I must say I find your use of language around it a bit odd and I wonder if this is also coming across to his parents. Almost like you’re trying to take the glory for his achievement, when presumably the only “sacrifice” you’ve made is to spend a bit less time with him for a period, and the “sacrifice” will presumably benefit you via his now higher income.

Go out with your husband another night and really push the boat out. Or go away for a celebratory weekend.

I don't really understand why they are so adamant that you don't go, but I would bow out gracefully knowing you two are going to celebrate it in style yourselves.

How extraordinarily odd.
Why on earth have they decided this is the point at which they want it to just be them. I do think it’s ok for adult kids to see their parents without their partners this is not the occasion for it. It’s good your DH is on your side.

YANBU It's a little odd to specifically exclude you when you all get on so well usually.

However I'd assume they wanted to tell your husband about a serious diagnosis, upcoming inheritance or some other very private conversation, and that's why they are behaving so differently.

Yanbu. A parent and child time out is fine but not when it's for a big life event. It's really weird to exclude you from that.

This.

What did Mother's Day look like?

Did he spend any time alone with her?

I'm wondering if she may be smarting about that if he didn't?

I think it’s really weird for a celebratory meal!

My DH sees his parents on his own (not off his own back may I add, I make him do it 😂) so they get to spend time with just their son. However meals for birthdays / work are always all together, it’s not a celebration if they’re excluding his wife - especially when you’re the one who helped make it possible!

I love my PIL and would be offended in your situation. Not sure why people are confused about you saying you’ve made sacrifices - myself and DH have no children of our own yet but yes I have made sacrifices for him to have his career - I totally get where you’re coming from.

I can see both perspectives here.
Neither of you are necessarily unreasonable.
It is perfectly reasonable for parents to want to celebrate their child's achievement. It is perfectly reasonable for you to want to celebrate your spouses achievement. Those two reasonable wishes do not have to compete or be fulfilled at the same time. They can take him out. He can take you out separately to thank you, if he feels you contributed.

I can see both sides. Sometimes as a parent it's really lovely to just be with your child and to celebrate with them.

No she's not? It's completely reasonable to expect to be included in important celebrations. If her MIL wants to spend time with her son alone, that's fine... but not when it's a celebration for him which should naturally include his partner.

I agree with you about feeling left out in this. It does seem strange your MIL wants to exclude you. However, I would defer to your DH. Let him decide. Also, as PP have said, you can have your own private celebration.

Id get the serious ick if he went out with mummy and daddy on his own for a meal to celebrate a fairly common and normal life event. What is he, a 10 year old who did well on his SATs? Are they going to go to TGI Fridays? 😂😂

Mmm I agree with this… you are invited to everything else and have a good relationship with them. I would not ruin that for this one off

My in laws are amazing and hand on heart they treat me like there own
But they do things on there own with my with
My wife never gave it a 2nd thought

whilst they will be enormously proud seeing what there child has achieved I don’t think they see the same significance in you doing extra housework

Im a DIL who is very close to my MIL. I would say have a great night.

I see them as family but not every single thing in life needs to be a couple thing. We do exist as separate people with separate relationships with our own families.

If I felt so strongly about celebrating something for my husband I would organise it.

To be honest I would be more worried about the fact you have invested so much of yourself in his achievements.