AIBU to feel hurt that my in-laws want to exclude me from the celebratory promotion dinner for my husband?

[OneFirmBlueShaker]

Hi all, looking for some perspective on a situation with my husband's parents. My husband and I dated for 9 years before getting married 6 years ago - we've been together since I was 19 and he was 23, no kids. He just got a huge promotion and I'm so proud - I've been his number one support system, standing by him since we were both struggling and starting out in our careers. We had a clear agreement that I'd take on more household duties so he could focus on his career (I was working full-time too, but we decided together this was the best approach for us). I sacrificed a lot to help him get there, including date nights and time together.

His parents want to take him out for dinner to celebrate... and I'm not invited. I feel hurt and excluded, like they're overlooking my part in his success. When he said he wouldn't go without me, his mum said "A son is a son til he takes a wife" and "God forbid a son is just a son for one evening and goes to a celebratory dinner without his wife with his parents for one evening". Basically implying we're being unreasonable. My husband stood up for me, saying "Mom, Dad, it's not about me going to dinner without Kate - it's about celebrating my promotion with my partner. We're a team, and her support is what helped me get here. Excluding her feels like you're not acknowledging that."

Here's the thing - they've always included me in everything, treats us like a married unit, equal birthday gifts, Christmas, etc. I thought they saw me as a daughter. I'm hurt because it feels like they're suddenly excluding me now, when it matters most. This promotion affects our daily life as a couple, besides just my husband. I can't imagine if the roles were reversed and we'd said "FIL, we'll take you out for his birthday, but MIL, you can't come" .

What stings even more is that MIL and I are usually super close - I probably text her more than my husband does 😅. Given our relationship, you'd think she'd reach out to clear the air, especially after my husband told them how hurt I was. Feels like they're doubling down on being hurtful rather than caring about my feelings. Am I being unreasonable to expect to be included in this celebration?

I think as a family you’d go out together to celebrate. If they want a night out just him, then they can do that separately. To leave you out of what is a celebration of your husband’s achievement seems a bit odd to me and I’d be offended at that. I’d have no issues of them meeting up without me for a dinner or lunch catch up. But this, no it’s really off.

Not unreasonable for parents to spend some alone time with offspring. However, it’s weird they’ve picked this hill to die on.

How many household duties do two people working full time with no children have, that taking on a bit more than your ‘share’ is ‘sacrificing a lot’ I think you’re over egging that a bit tbh.

Does your DH ever get to spend time alone with his parents without you there?

I think this is very off. I mean the celebration should include you especially as you obviously helped him get the big promotion. I have sons and I know (and hope) that they will in due course put their wives first in most respects. I would never dream of trying to exclude any future daughters in law in this way.

As you don't have children, I'm not sure what sacrifices you've made in the pursuit of his promotion. Did you do the dishes quite often? 😳

I have a feeling that his parents don't like you quite as much as they appear to

You do come across as needy and controlling

In.this case I'd go with what dh wants- which is you there.

It’s absolutely ok to want time with your child in your own.

This is not the right time!

I agree with this. You and DH can have a separate celebration meal/ weekend together.

Presumably they're paying for this meal? If so, I do think it's pretty rude that you've invited yourself!

Yes this is what I meant, and I wonder if that’s influencing the decision to not invite you, if they think you might try and bring the focus onto yourself by talking about your “sacrifices” at your husbands celebration.

Incidentally I dont think I've ever actually been to a promotion celebration dinner, but I wouldn't think of it as inherently a couple's event. I'd understand your position much more if the celebration was of something about you both, but this is an occasion for him so I wouldn't have taken it as given that you'd be there. I would feel quite differently if the three of them were going out to celebrate your anniversary, for instance!

it is a different dynamic having your kids partner along all the time. Perhaps you do more of the talking than he does and they want to hear more from him? They’ve phrased it a bit oddly making it about the job. However it should be normal that they see him without you regularly, dont be hurt - just do something else that night.

What have you sacrificed, or had to do more of if you don't have kids? 2 adults living in a house hardly requires sacrifice to keep running. Maybe they think it isn't an achievement for you, and you're riding his coat-tails somewhat to be claiming you had any part in it other than being an encouraging spouse?

Could it be cost? A fancy dinner for two costs twice as much as a fancy dinner for one, after all.
It wouldn’t excuse what they’ve done; just inviting their son and excluding you is disgraceful, but it might help to explain the reasoning behind it.

We had a family dinner out when my mum was promoted. The whole point is for close people to gather and say well done. You are his wife, it is really odd to not invite you. You are not 'making it about you' - you are a team who have supported one another! If it was just a random dinner out with son that's one thing, but saying its a celebration but excluding you is another. And yes, when your kids marry you have to accept they come as a pair, just as when someone has kids you accept they now come as a family. That's the way it's supposed to be! We may mourn the time when it was just us and our kids, but when they grow up we have to grow up too!

The only weird thing is that they seem to want him to not be a husband for a few hours. It’s like asking a parent to not be a parent for a few hours: once the marriage has occurred/child is born, the person exists in that role forever onwards. They’re literally asking you to delete yourself from his life for a few hours, act like you don’t exist.

It’s fine to want to talk to your adult child one on one, the chat might involve you and they have a whole life outside you. It’s also fine to celebrate a childhood of education and exams and applications etc. But to exclude you from a celebratory dinner because they want him to not be a husband for a few hours is very weird.

Also, you’ll never be on the same level as a daughter to them. Please don’t make that mistake. Going shopping together now and then is very, very superficial stuff.

Why not?

Op and her dh can celebrate together any time they want, go for a meal, a weekend, a holiday, whatever they feel like doing together.

What if they just framed it as a meal rather than a celebration meal, would that be better?

I think you’re reading a lot into this- they’ve included you in everything else and want one night out with their son. Not having spouses there for everything shouldn’t be seen as a snub, there’s time I go alone to family’s house because I want a nod back to older times, chats about things your spouse wasn’t there for, about neighbours and old teachers. I send dh over to his family too, sometimes family just want their own family there!

DH and I both see our parents without the other as well as together - just like with other people like friends. It is not a given that a married couple come as a pair - we're married not conjoined!

At least you have learned your place now according to them, and understand that your efforts invested in spending time with your MIL were wasted and not to bother in future! This stuff spending time with him as a son not a husband is a load of guff. If you’d been together a few months I could understand but you’ve been married years. Yanbu

It’s like asking a parent to not be a parent for a few hours

I invite friends out often and make it clear that it’s a child free meet up. Are you one of those parents that insists their offspring are included in everything?

I think it's bizarre to claim that wanting to see him without her on this occasion is 'wanting him to pretend he's not a husband'. I went to the cinema with a friend last night, and DH was definitely not invited. Was I 'pretending not to be married'?

It’s not popping in for a quick coffee or an everyday event — it’s a big celebration and OP is specifically excluded which is quite different from your example

The title doesn't match for me.

What "celebratory promotion dinner" are they excluding you from?

They want to take their son out to celebrate.

You/he can also do that.

It sounds like time to back off from your MIL a bit.

I think their deliberately excluding you is really odd.