AIBU to feel hurt that my in-laws want to exclude me from the celebratory promotion dinner for my husband?

[OneFirmBlueShaker]

Hi all, looking for some perspective on a situation with my husband's parents. My husband and I dated for 9 years before getting married 6 years ago - we've been together since I was 19 and he was 23, no kids. He just got a huge promotion and I'm so proud - I've been his number one support system, standing by him since we were both struggling and starting out in our careers. We had a clear agreement that I'd take on more household duties so he could focus on his career (I was working full-time too, but we decided together this was the best approach for us). I sacrificed a lot to help him get there, including date nights and time together.

His parents want to take him out for dinner to celebrate... and I'm not invited. I feel hurt and excluded, like they're overlooking my part in his success. When he said he wouldn't go without me, his mum said "A son is a son til he takes a wife" and "God forbid a son is just a son for one evening and goes to a celebratory dinner without his wife with his parents for one evening". Basically implying we're being unreasonable. My husband stood up for me, saying "Mom, Dad, it's not about me going to dinner without Kate - it's about celebrating my promotion with my partner. We're a team, and her support is what helped me get here. Excluding her feels like you're not acknowledging that."

Here's the thing - they've always included me in everything, treats us like a married unit, equal birthday gifts, Christmas, etc. I thought they saw me as a daughter. I'm hurt because it feels like they're suddenly excluding me now, when it matters most. This promotion affects our daily life as a couple, besides just my husband. I can't imagine if the roles were reversed and we'd said "FIL, we'll take you out for his birthday, but MIL, you can't come" .

What stings even more is that MIL and I are usually super close - I probably text her more than my husband does 😅. Given our relationship, you'd think she'd reach out to clear the air, especially after my husband told them how hurt I was. Feels like they're doubling down on being hurtful rather than caring about my feelings. Am I being unreasonable to expect to be included in this celebration?

I think it’s a bit odd to exclude you and I think your dh was right to question his parents’ decision. My ds has a partner and I like to spend time alone with my son, but celebrating a promotion or similar should be an event for the whole family imo.

Op should be there too. I can understand her being very hurt about this.

Right but the celebration is for my husband so it’s natural as his wife to expect to be part of a celebration for my husband. A celebration for my mil or FIL if they want to celebrate with just their son sure but how are you gonna leave out the person’s most immediate family from their own celebration 😂😂

I bet OP did a damn sight more than that!

Don't really understand the fuss all of you are making about this. Your husband gets a promotion, something many people achieve everyday, and why does there have to be one celebratory dinner? Why can't you and your husband go out, and your husband also go out with his parents. I don't see the problem in his parents wanting to take their son out for dinner.

Honestly, OP, you sound really quite unreasonable now. You’re clearly going to make the celebratory dinner about your sacrifices rather than your DHs achievement. Which it probably why your ILs wanted to take their son out without you there.

A celebration should be shared. I don't know why your MIL is being odd. Why on earth didn't she just invite him for lunch one day in the near future and enjoy a nice meal all together for the promotion? Surely she could've extended herself to two nice meals out?

Tbh, I don't think I'd want to go now if it was me, taken the shine off it somewhat but then that gives her what she wants.

OK i know the dynamics are different as the genders are wrong - but if i was good friends with one of my son in laws to the extent that we texted a lot and went out and about alone together then yes - it would be very odd to leave him out of a congratulations meal which we threw for his wife (my DD)

I don’t think it sounds very nice for you but maybe his parents miss him now he’s married and just want a little time with him occasionally. I think it’s a little sad your end but maybe you should encourage him to go and celebrate with him in a different way.

God OP are you going to turn up to to his new job with him too???

I agree with this.
Parents are treating their son to a meal, as a little celebration of his promotion. The end.

This is so weird.

My adult DS has a gf of 4 years - I wouldn’t dream of inviting him to a celebration meal without including her. Yes, I enjoy it when I get to spend time with him alone for a drink or a walk etc, but to deliberately exclude her from a special occasion would be mean.

How would that conversation go?

"Well done on your promotion, Son, we're very proud of you. Now let's talk about my prostate."

"You've done brilliantly and I'm delighted. I expect your father is too but I've stopped speaking to him since we decided on the divorce so you'll need to ask him yourself."

If they have big private news, that should be a separate conversation.

Like what?

They are a household of 2 adults working full time.

How much extra house duties could there be?

Yea I think im starting to see where the ILs are coming from tbh op. I fail to see what you could have done that helped him get this promotion and perhaps the ILs suspect you'll want toasting too? 🤣

I get why you would feel hurt about this, it's a celebratory meal and a wife should be included, that's my view of marriage anyway. As the mother of an adult son I would love some mother/son time with him but I would never ask for this at the expense of DILs feelings. He has his own family now and I get that they come as a unit.

I think your dh did right in standing up to them, but I would not go if I were you OP or try to force the issue as it's clear you are not welcome. I would thank dh for doing the right thing in standing by his wife, but I would also ask him to think carefully before refusing to go. The last thing he/they need is a long standing family feud. The 2 of you should still have your own celebration though.

OP you are making this one rather surprising exclusion by your in-laws more important than all the love and appreciation they have shown you for years. It is one evening, it doesn't matter that they want to spend it with just their son. You can celebrate the promotion with your partner another time, just with him or with other family and friends. It isn't worth falling out over.

OP, I think I get it. You’ve been treated as a daughter in many ways and now you’re being excluded for, it seems like, no reason and you’re hurt.

You aren’t the ILs’ blood relative and now you know how they really see you.

I’d pull back from seeing them so much now and stop calling/initiating contact. I’d aim to be polite but distant.

The ILs clearly want to see their son on their own and that’s fine. However, the consequence of excluding you is that they’ve upset you and it’s fine to not want to see them so often.

Wow, could you SOUND any more patronising?

This, what onerous household tasks did you have to take on that someone living alone wouldn’t have to do? @OneFirmBlueShaker

There's nothing wrong with people seeing their adult kids away from their spouse, but on this occasion it does look like a snub.

I mean it's a moot point if husband won't go without Op.

But honestly Op you could have celebrated yourselves.

If my husband wouldn't go because he insisted that I be celebrated too well I'd think he was daft not to just celebrate with me another time.

Agreed. They are in their late 20's early 30's and there are no children to consider. Why would op making 'sacrifices' even be necessary. It's bizarre.

This.

In view of your very good relationship with your in-laws, it seems that they're genuinely unable to recognise that what they've asked for is unreasonable. It can' be anything else, can it?

I see why you're confused, considering your closeness to them.