AIBU to feel hurt that my in-laws want to exclude me from the celebratory promotion dinner for my husband?

[OneFirmBlueShaker]

Hi all, looking for some perspective on a situation with my husband's parents. My husband and I dated for 9 years before getting married 6 years ago - we've been together since I was 19 and he was 23, no kids. He just got a huge promotion and I'm so proud - I've been his number one support system, standing by him since we were both struggling and starting out in our careers. We had a clear agreement that I'd take on more household duties so he could focus on his career (I was working full-time too, but we decided together this was the best approach for us). I sacrificed a lot to help him get there, including date nights and time together.

His parents want to take him out for dinner to celebrate... and I'm not invited. I feel hurt and excluded, like they're overlooking my part in his success. When he said he wouldn't go without me, his mum said "A son is a son til he takes a wife" and "God forbid a son is just a son for one evening and goes to a celebratory dinner without his wife with his parents for one evening". Basically implying we're being unreasonable. My husband stood up for me, saying "Mom, Dad, it's not about me going to dinner without Kate - it's about celebrating my promotion with my partner. We're a team, and her support is what helped me get here. Excluding her feels like you're not acknowledging that."

Here's the thing - they've always included me in everything, treats us like a married unit, equal birthday gifts, Christmas, etc. I thought they saw me as a daughter. I'm hurt because it feels like they're suddenly excluding me now, when it matters most. This promotion affects our daily life as a couple, besides just my husband. I can't imagine if the roles were reversed and we'd said "FIL, we'll take you out for his birthday, but MIL, you can't come" .

What stings even more is that MIL and I are usually super close - I probably text her more than my husband does 😅. Given our relationship, you'd think she'd reach out to clear the air, especially after my husband told them how hurt I was. Feels like they're doubling down on being hurtful rather than caring about my feelings. Am I being unreasonable to expect to be included in this celebration?

Actually if they're paying they do get to call the shots about who attends.
You pay, you get to call the shots.
I'm sure not being in communication with you will be a great loss to her-how on earth will she manage?

Agree. For someone so hellbent on bonds and status she has a hard time realising that in his mother's eyes she is far lower down the pecking order than her own son.

I'm not even sure I buy this perfect marriage schtick anyway.
In my experience, in the happiest marriages the mil and dil always try to see the other's actions in the best light (unless one of them is a completely terrible person, of course).

Surely if the marriage were that great, OP and mil would have sorted it out between themselves by now?
'Oh no I didn't mean it like that. That's OK, mil etc.'

I’m not sure why some people want to blame the OP for this and not the MIL, who is ignoring her DS’s wishes. He told her he wanted his DW to be there before the OP was even involved.

Even if the OP is all the things you’re all accusing her of being, that on its own makes her MIL unreasonable. Even the FIL doesn’t get it.

You don’t say anything kindly. Are you a MIL with sons?

I don’t rate my son’s partner lower than him.

He’ll be with her a lot longer than he was with me.

I lived with my parents for 23 years. I’ve lived with my husband for 39.

Do you have much of a life outside of your DH, OP?

Your own family? Friends?

Your post are so intense. I mean, really intense.

You’re now playing out conversations you wished had happened between your DH and his mum.

I really don’t think that from his mother’s perspective the situation is that deep. She wanted to take her son out to celebrate, thinking that since you both had a good relationship that you would know there was nothing personal about her doing that. It’s no wonder she hasn’t responded to you, she’s probably like “What the actual fuck is happening”.

The situation for you appears to be way deeper than it is for anyone else.

I don’t think for a second his mother is thinking she is “more important” than you. She just wanted to take her son to dinner. It’s really not that deep.

No. I'm not.

I mean...it is an odd thing to do, it is quite rude on the face of it, your husband is to be commended for having your back, and it's even odder that the MIL stuck to her guns even after the husband told her he'd like to have the OP there, and when we consider that MIL/OP have had a decent relationship up to this point.

But...there is nevertheless a reason that the MIL wanted it that way. OP if I've got the maths right you've posted over 150 times on this thread, expending god knows how many thousand words. Is there a chance that you can be a bit...full on at times? A bit dominating of the conversation?

Oh sorry! I thought you were an expert in these things.

I am 😊

Well great. I'm a dil, though.

It’s true that she’s coming across a bit like that, but OTOH, that isn’t unusual on MN when an OP is attacked the way she’s been on this thread. It’s easy to get drawn into a bun fight on here.

And let’s face it, if she’d checked out, she would obviously have been accused of ‘flouncing’, wouldn’t she?

So not a mum. 👍

Actually, can I ask you something? You obviously don’t have to reply. What’s your relationship like with your MIL?

I've not got sons. Why are you asking, is it that only mils are allowed to answer?

Of course not but what you are doing in this thread, in my opinion, is constantly berating the OP about a situation you don’t understand because, in your own words, “I’ve not got sons”.

I do. My Mil has 4. Neither of us have a single daughter or sister between us. My two SILs also have sons. No daughters. Granted my brother’s wife has a sister and my BIL’s wife has several.

I can honestly say that my MIL would never have treated me the way the op’s has.

It’s not nice.

I'm sorry you've completely lost me here.
She is asking advice as a dil and not as a MIL with sons.
I appreciate your situation but one MIL does not speak for them all anyway.

No probs. You, who has never been in the situation that the OP has, is right and everyone who has been in this situation is wrong.

But thanks for continually bumping a thread , with vitriol, where you have completely no understanding of the dynamics 👍

Might have escaped your notice, but I am a DIL.

How condescending.

I have a daughter, and the thought that I would never be able to take her out to celebrate something with her just as a mother and daughter after she gets married is quite frankly, horrifying.

I wouldn't bat an eyelid if my MIL wanted to celebrate something with my husband and many others on this thread have said the same. We don't need to have sons to know we done have a problem with our own husbands going out with their parents without us thankyouverymuch.

Agreed. I would never ever think I was in competition with my MIL and I have never thought about “bonds”. It’s all very self centred and strange.

It hasn’t always been smooth sailing with my own in-laws and we’ve had times where I have had to set boundaries with behaviour but I am so glad that neither I nor my DH has blown the relationship up over these things. I love them and am so grateful for how much they love my DH and our children.

I mentioned up thread that OP reminds me of the former wife one of my DH friends. She was constantly talking about her contribution to her husbands career and always pitting her DH against his family and talking about how she should come before his parents, etc. He divorced her and is now happily remarried to a lovely lady who has her own successful career, her own life and she is supportive of their relationship with his family.

This. I go out with my own mum all the time. I’ve celebrated my birthday out to dinner with her without my DH, my career successes, etc. My DH has also gone to dinner alone with my mum and I’ve never thought anything about it.

I told my DH about this thread and he said OP sounds like his friends former wife (on my comment above) and that OP needs to get a life.

I would have happily sent my DH on his way to the dinner and had my own lovely night going to dinner with my friends, or taking my self to the cinema or ordering a takeaway at home.

Neither does the OP. I don’t think it’s condescending to point out that you clearly haven’t read, or have read but don’t understand, the OP’s posts.

Plus “horrifying” 🤣

Eh, how do you know I've not experienced similar. I have an MIL.

This will be my last reply to you as the thread is nearing completion.

This was never about you or your cohorts on here but you’ve made it about you all.

Good luck OP. Hope you get it sorted.