AIBU to feel hurt that my in-laws want to exclude me from the celebratory promotion dinner for my husband?

[OneFirmBlueShaker]

Hi all, looking for some perspective on a situation with my husband's parents. My husband and I dated for 9 years before getting married 6 years ago - we've been together since I was 19 and he was 23, no kids. He just got a huge promotion and I'm so proud - I've been his number one support system, standing by him since we were both struggling and starting out in our careers. We had a clear agreement that I'd take on more household duties so he could focus on his career (I was working full-time too, but we decided together this was the best approach for us). I sacrificed a lot to help him get there, including date nights and time together.

His parents want to take him out for dinner to celebrate... and I'm not invited. I feel hurt and excluded, like they're overlooking my part in his success. When he said he wouldn't go without me, his mum said "A son is a son til he takes a wife" and "God forbid a son is just a son for one evening and goes to a celebratory dinner without his wife with his parents for one evening". Basically implying we're being unreasonable. My husband stood up for me, saying "Mom, Dad, it's not about me going to dinner without Kate - it's about celebrating my promotion with my partner. We're a team, and her support is what helped me get here. Excluding her feels like you're not acknowledging that."

Here's the thing - they've always included me in everything, treats us like a married unit, equal birthday gifts, Christmas, etc. I thought they saw me as a daughter. I'm hurt because it feels like they're suddenly excluding me now, when it matters most. This promotion affects our daily life as a couple, besides just my husband. I can't imagine if the roles were reversed and we'd said "FIL, we'll take you out for his birthday, but MIL, you can't come" .

What stings even more is that MIL and I are usually super close - I probably text her more than my husband does 😅. Given our relationship, you'd think she'd reach out to clear the air, especially after my husband told them how hurt I was. Feels like they're doubling down on being hurtful rather than caring about my feelings. Am I being unreasonable to expect to be included in this celebration?

Mum of four adult boys here. I haven't read the full thread, but I've read all your replies OP.

As you normally seem to have a very good relationship with your inlaws, this does seem like a really weird hill they've chosen to die on Thank goodness your husband backed you up.

As an adult, it does feel like we one get to see our children in very small doses, a lunch here, a dinner there, and yes, usually with other family members involved. I try to solve this by making sure I get some one on one time with a few lunches a year. I'll meet a son near their work and grab lunch together. We do have different conversations when there are less people involved. The very flippant, jokester of a son will finally go a little deeper into topics etc. I really enjoy this, as little as it is.

But, you and your husband are right, a promotion like this should be celebrated together.

Perhaps what your MIL really wants is that one on one time, but this is the wrong time for it. Can your DH solve the problem going forward, by making sure that he does meet her for coffee or lunch every couple of months.

I can't fathom that she doesn't seem to be backing down now.

What do your parents think?

That is a very frustrating situation for you, your MIL has attempted to exclude you for no good reason and as bad as this situation is, what is fortunate is your partner certainly has stood by you which is what he should do.

family, dynamics change as relationships evolve in and some people, for instance your MIL has not adjusted to change and as a consequence she has made an error of judgement, by excluding you.

She should apologise

Your partner has sound judgement and is balancing everything out.

See how things go, she may get the message (understand her error) when your partner refuses to go without you.

Sorry, but I think it's a bit odd OP. Why on earth would they imagine that your DH would enjoy such a celebration without you there? He has explicitly told them that he wants you to come as well.

Good for him for standing up for you, and forget all the guilt tripping crap, it's they who risk creating a rift by making him choose.

Just a thought, this sort of thing might be an early sign of dementia.

"Congratulations on the promotion son, by the way, I'm dying" OK, that would probably be quite weird!

They are very insistent on wanting to see their son alone though, which is out of step with how the relationship is normally, so I thought they might be using this promotion celebration as cover to speak to him privately for some reason.

It sounds odd to me. You are married, not just a short term relationship.

Imo their facade has slipped.
Now you know your worth.
Step back and find other people to hang out with..

Just a thought, this sort of thing might be an early sign of dementia.

Oh behave.

She sounds like my MIL. I just let her get on with it. Can't be arsed with the drama.

I am in total agreement that adults should be able to celebrate things with their parents without needing to have their partner there always.

This wouldn’t bother me in the slightest & I would be so pleased that my husband was getting the praise & the celebration that he deserved for his achievement. I would also organise a celebration for just us. Then he gets 2 celebrations.

Plan something nice for yourself for that evening, make it a positive as well for you.

Honestly, the flip side of this could be in-laws who do not AT ALL celebrate their son’s achievements, that truly is heart breaking. Please just appreciate that your husband’s promotion is being noticed & celebrated!

It’s the PILs who are being controlling in this instance.
OP, I would be furious if my MIL had done such a thing. I quite often go out for meals with my DDs, but if it’s both me and DH, then spouses are also included. I’d find it really odd to want to take my DD for a meal with my DH - just the 3 of us.

Definitely strange. Can't imagine why she would do that

I am 'behaving'. It was exactly this sort of odd and irrational change in behaviour that preceded dementia in both my DM and MIL.

What is your experience?

From BOTH of her PIL at once?

This is very odd behaviour from your MIL. She can have some one on one time with him quietly without it being a celebration, but it would be very odd if she made a big thing of it. Going round for a cuppa would generally be more than enough. It really does imply she's excluding you, feels able to "mummy" him when you're not there or something and wants that need to be prioritised or officially recognised. Really weird that she can't just recognise it as something that needs to be put aside when her son is several years happily married.
Also a shame that this is not something easily forgotten, and even if you do now go, you'll feel very unwelcome.

I understand where you're coming from, being excluded by in laws who acted like they cared about you and are suddenly excluding you.
I would be really hurt too tbh.

I think you're doing the right thing by letting them get on with it and stepping back. If they don't want you there, they don't want you there. Your husband is great to stand up for you and it is his place to do that.

It might be, as someone said, a conversation about inheritance.

I am also wondering if the new job has something to do with a move? You say it will change your lives a lot.
On the off chance that that's the case, maybe they think you're putting pressure on him to take a big job and move when they want to be around him.

I'm a MIL and would never do what your MIL has done. I do love having time alone with my son - it rarely happens and we both enjoy it when it does - but this sort of celebration wouldn't make any sense without his wife there. It's really bad manners, for one thing! I wouldn't do it though because I know he'd prefer it if she was there - that's what's so lovely about having a DIL, knowing how happy she makes my son.

We have the same role as your in-laws, would choose another time to spend with our DS and completely align with your pov OP.

Absolutely…but it is an incredibly rude and hurtful approach to OP…it makes every other occasion she is included appear on suffrage. I would HAVE to protect my feelings if this was done to me…it’s a rejection

What's the difference? If they were going out alone for a meal they would likely be saying "well done on your promotion" during it, which is what will happen here too.

What sacrifices have you really made ? Why would there have been a need for you to take on more household stuff so your DH could concentrate on his career ? What part have you really played in his promotion, other than the fact that you are his partner ?

I can’t see the issue with your DH going for a meal with his parents without you. It would be different if others were going along too. Can you and your DH go out another time to celebrate his promotion ?

I don't think parents wanting to celebrate their son's success without inviting their spouse is irrational and/or odd though.

Perhaps they feel that, in you feeling like you're working as a team, the focus is not enough on their son's individual achievement and they want to show him how proud they are of him? It sounds as if they think he's not getting enough credit for his hard work. The quotes from his mother sound as if they think you're a bit controlling.

Could they be autistic?

Sorry… I couldn’t let a thread go without it being asked 😂