AIBU to feel hurt that my in-laws want to exclude me from the celebratory promotion dinner for my husband?

[OneFirmBlueShaker]

Hi all, looking for some perspective on a situation with my husband's parents. My husband and I dated for 9 years before getting married 6 years ago - we've been together since I was 19 and he was 23, no kids. He just got a huge promotion and I'm so proud - I've been his number one support system, standing by him since we were both struggling and starting out in our careers. We had a clear agreement that I'd take on more household duties so he could focus on his career (I was working full-time too, but we decided together this was the best approach for us). I sacrificed a lot to help him get there, including date nights and time together.

His parents want to take him out for dinner to celebrate... and I'm not invited. I feel hurt and excluded, like they're overlooking my part in his success. When he said he wouldn't go without me, his mum said "A son is a son til he takes a wife" and "God forbid a son is just a son for one evening and goes to a celebratory dinner without his wife with his parents for one evening". Basically implying we're being unreasonable. My husband stood up for me, saying "Mom, Dad, it's not about me going to dinner without Kate - it's about celebrating my promotion with my partner. We're a team, and her support is what helped me get here. Excluding her feels like you're not acknowledging that."

Here's the thing - they've always included me in everything, treats us like a married unit, equal birthday gifts, Christmas, etc. I thought they saw me as a daughter. I'm hurt because it feels like they're suddenly excluding me now, when it matters most. This promotion affects our daily life as a couple, besides just my husband. I can't imagine if the roles were reversed and we'd said "FIL, we'll take you out for his birthday, but MIL, you can't come" .

What stings even more is that MIL and I are usually super close - I probably text her more than my husband does 😅. Given our relationship, you'd think she'd reach out to clear the air, especially after my husband told them how hurt I was. Feels like they're doubling down on being hurtful rather than caring about my feelings. Am I being unreasonable to expect to be included in this celebration?

You are very condescending. I'm pretty sure you are just the OP on another account.

Don’t be ridiculous. Is it so difficult to believe someone can have a different opinion to you?

Yes and to be honest as MIL and dh are quite boisterous people who love a good-natured argument I'm more than happy to be left out of things sometimes. I find it a bit too full on.

I'm very fond of my MIL but I encourage dh to see her alone sometimes as I know they enjoy a good argument and I find it a bit too much.

All this ultra togetherness is something I just don't get.
Can't OP entertain herself for an hour or two.
Watch some TV with the good ice-cream and enjoy the peace and quiet?

🤣

I cannot fathom why your mil would exclude you from this family event, given that you are, in fact family. Unless she's taking him to a strip club, and doesn't want you to know. That would be highly unlikely though. So what other reason could she have for being so cruel, at least your husband is a good bloke and won't entertain it. She'll have to learn the hard way. Maybe arrange a nice meal out, just your fil husband and yourself, let mil know she's not invited, because you need to discuss her on going mental health issues. In the meantime, avoid her, she doesn't deserve you.

I think the point really is that the OP’s DH was the one who actually said to his DM that he wanted the OP to come with him. Maybe they are clingy as a couple. But it is a meal to celebrate his promotion so he should surely have a say in who comes?

And why is the MIL making it a hill to die on anyway? She apparently has plenty of alone time with her DS, so why not arrange another time to see him?

Her own DH doesn’t get it either.

This what my DH means by “she needs to get a life.” When your life is full and you have your own friends, hobbies, interests then your mind is too busy or just too happy to want to engage in negativity. This will eventually blow up for OP when her DH realises that they allowed a small matter to ruin the relationship with his parents. I see resentment ahead for OP from her DH.

I don’t think so, seeing as it’s the MIL who has inexplicably made this her hill to die on, quite unnecessarily. She’s also damaged what was previously, apparently, a good relationship with her DIL.

Did you talk to your DH about this thread 😬?

I voted the OP was not unreasonable but now after reading more of her replies I’d definitely change my vote to unreasonable.
I’m curious as to how many other people would change their vote also.

I asked my DH what he would do in this situation. Do you have an issue with that @Differentforgirls or are you looking for another reason to bully posters on this thread for not falling in line with your views?

They have all dug their heels in for a stupid reason. None of the parties here are correct in how they have delt with this.

No I wouldn’t change it, really because her DH told his DM he wanted the OP there, before she was even involved in the discussion. And I think the MIL has handled things badly by making it a hill die on, against the opinion of her own DH.

Whether the OP’s marriage is too clingy, or she’s difficult and dominating isn’t the issue for me.

Look at you posting two rude comments in a row to one of my messages. However will you fill your time now that this thread is almost over. Maybe you can harass people in real life or are you only comfortable doing it from behind a screen.

You are hilarious!

People in my real life aren’t invested in bullying people on
the internet.

Thank you. You should take a leaf out of my book?

But wait? Weren’t you the one just saying effectively destroyed a mother son bond but the way I “acted” over this one meal? Now you’re signing a different tune that over “one meal” a mother son bond can’t be effected. So which one is it?

No I still don’t think OP was unreasonable for feeling hurt at being left out. She has every right to feel how she feels, as does the MiL/FiL/DH

In my opinion her posts, life, marriage etc have been over scrutinised & vilified without even knowing her, her husband, family or in laws in real life.

The problem with forums just as text messages to friends, posts can be read and not only interpreted in many different ways, but some posters then like to make up their own narrative & twist things to suit their own agenda.

of course I’m below her son in importance but as a DAUGHTER in law I shouldn’t be like 8 legs down like you are implying. Especially when I’ve been around since I was a teenager and have my own one on one close relationship with her and she says I’m like the daughter she never had. That doesn’t exactly speak wayyy down the totem pole from her son.

OP, how long you’ve know your MIL doesn’t matter in this instance. It sounds like you both are hurt and I hope for the sake of your marriage and her relationship with her son that you both can be mature enough to move on.

Your husband has a mother who loves her son very much and that is a gift! Just as it’s a gift that he has a wife who also loves him very much.

best of luck

The thing is I thought she also lvoed
me very much. Not the exact same as her son but not that much below it that she would want to include me or at less have that conversation with me why I wasn’t included. Just the way the whole dinner was planned and not once when we text a lot did she mention it to me and not think given the way I treat her she may be confused

It’s certainly how it’s turned out, sadly. I don’t think the OP was unreasonable in being hurt, but both sides could have handled it better, certainly.