AIBU to feel hurt that my in-laws want to exclude me from the celebratory promotion dinner for my husband?

[OneFirmBlueShaker]

Hi all, looking for some perspective on a situation with my husband's parents. My husband and I dated for 9 years before getting married 6 years ago - we've been together since I was 19 and he was 23, no kids. He just got a huge promotion and I'm so proud - I've been his number one support system, standing by him since we were both struggling and starting out in our careers. We had a clear agreement that I'd take on more household duties so he could focus on his career (I was working full-time too, but we decided together this was the best approach for us). I sacrificed a lot to help him get there, including date nights and time together.

His parents want to take him out for dinner to celebrate... and I'm not invited. I feel hurt and excluded, like they're overlooking my part in his success. When he said he wouldn't go without me, his mum said "A son is a son til he takes a wife" and "God forbid a son is just a son for one evening and goes to a celebratory dinner without his wife with his parents for one evening". Basically implying we're being unreasonable. My husband stood up for me, saying "Mom, Dad, it's not about me going to dinner without Kate - it's about celebrating my promotion with my partner. We're a team, and her support is what helped me get here. Excluding her feels like you're not acknowledging that."

Here's the thing - they've always included me in everything, treats us like a married unit, equal birthday gifts, Christmas, etc. I thought they saw me as a daughter. I'm hurt because it feels like they're suddenly excluding me now, when it matters most. This promotion affects our daily life as a couple, besides just my husband. I can't imagine if the roles were reversed and we'd said "FIL, we'll take you out for his birthday, but MIL, you can't come" .

What stings even more is that MIL and I are usually super close - I probably text her more than my husband does 😅. Given our relationship, you'd think she'd reach out to clear the air, especially after my husband told them how hurt I was. Feels like they're doubling down on being hurtful rather than caring about my feelings. Am I being unreasonable to expect to be included in this celebration?

Have to say, OP, even if your DH has made it to top consultant brain surgeon at the most highly reputed hospital in the land, I really don’t think this was a team effort. You don’t have children. You look after yourself, he looks after himself - that’s literally all there is to it. Did you pay his bills? Pay off his debts? Buy his supplies? Drive him back and forth? What did you actually contribute that he couldn’t have done without? Are you talking about doing more laundry and doing more cooking/shopping?

I think you are hurt and that is fair enough. But blowing up your relationship with your in-laws over this is crazy. Just let them have the meal, you've already said your part. Go for your own celebration with your DH.

Families don't always get on or see eye to eye on things and that is ok, these people could be in your life for decades more. This might be one of those things you don't agree on it doesn't have to be relationship ending unless you choose that by your response. Also I'm sure your DH doesn't want to be stuck in the middle of a conflict over his promotion.

Is there honestly nothing else going on here? My instinct is that it’s off of PIL not to include OP in the celebration meal, but I’m getting a whiff of the lady doth protest about OP’s support. I think it’s the phrasing of “I” missed out on date nights. It just doesn’t sound very coupley.

@OneFirmBlueShaker get a swanky dinner at a fancy restaurant/hotel or booked PRONTO! Celebrate with him and him alone first.

additional bonus points for dropping it into conversation but adding, ‘course I’d have included you, but you seem clear on having a separate dinner with H, so …’

You keep saying if it was a mother-son thing or a father-son thing that would be ok- so they’re only allowed to see him by himself one at a time? Not together?

What if it wasn’t dressed up as celebrating the promotion and they just wanted to have a meal with him. Would he still have to bring you?

So you missed out on some date nights, big deal. You sound a bit much. I don't think your in laws are in the wrong at all. I also think you and your DH are out of order for making such a big deal of this.

That was in response to the MIL saying god forbid that a son can just be a son for once (or whatever OP quotes in her first post, am on phone and can’t scroll up without losing this box). He is her son, always. He is also a husband, always. You can’t just delete one of those things. Of course parents can have time with their children without the spouse around, don’t have a problem with that at all. But the MIL’s riposte is plain weird: well, he can never be “just a son” if he’s also got obligations elsewhere. I am a sister and I have friends. If any of my friends asked me to drop my siblings from a celebration of me and just attend as a friend - well, it just wouldn’t happen would it. Of course I see my friends and my siblings separately, but if I’m being celebrated for something I can’t just pretend my siblings don’t exist

I think this very response shows what the issue is. You appear to want to control your husbands relationship with his parents and restrict their access to him which is probably why his mother made the comment she did.

It's perfectly understandable that she would wish to celebrate his achievements. Presumably she had a lot of input when he was growing up whereas you didn't.

👏👏👏

With kindness you sound overbearing and want to muscle in
Im sorry but I don’t think you doing extra hoovering was a make or break factor of his career it’s his line light let him have it

That sounds mean to me. OP doesn’t have to itemise everything she did for her husband. Not just physical things but emotional support count a lot too.

And their son has told them he won't go if his wife is excluded.

HE wants her there.

Why is that so hard for people to accept?

No, you don't leave a spouse out of a special celebration. When is that ever normal. There are times to see your adult child alone of course, but this really isn't one of them and it's obviously going to be viewed as divisive. Apart from the OP's indignation, what about her DH? I'd be flabbergasted and decidedly uncomfortable if my parents left my husband out of a similar occasion. It would basically put me in a horrible position and spoil the whole thing.

@FlyMeToTheSpoon They're highly unlikely to ruin a lovely celebration (and an expensive dinner) with tales of a cancer diagnosis are they. I mean, who does that!

Sorry, but I think you’ve made this up, it reads like ChatGPT has written it, very fiction style/dramatic, the use of American-isms (mom) & the suspicious “ - “ dotted through out.

I strongly suspect that they want to speak to him privately and don’t want you there possibly influencing his comments.

Hahahha! With a sign saying ‘I helped him get here’!

There a difference between going out with his parents alone once woman awhile and celebrating a huge accomplishment alone with his parents. What next? Celebrate his 40th birthday with his parents alone?

“ …. when a spouse accomplishes something huge and they've had the support of their partner, it's not just about the individual, it's about the team…. “ Er, no. It’s not about the team, it’s about the person who worked hard and got the promotion. You’re making this about you.

“… (MIL) basically implied we were being unreasonable for expecting to be included in a celebration of something that's gonna impact our life together. “
How is this promotion going to impact your life together? Moving abroad? More money? Less date nights?

I agree with you 100%
As a spouse and mother of adult men, I would never exclude partners at anything.

I didn’t say the ILs hate her or that there’s a conspiracy — your wild exaggerations bear no relation to what I said. If you value someone as an individual you don’t want to exclude them from a meal celebrating their partner. If any bitterness arises, it’s from OP’s exclusion from the meal, when her husband wants her to be there too.

From another perspective then...

If your relationship with your MIL is normally so good and she treats you so well and includes you in everything.... Why would you be prepared to drop her like a hot stone over one dinner with just their son in all these years?
I could understand you feeling more hurt if it was her usual way of treating you but this seems like a one off...?

HE DOESN'T WANT TO GO WITHOUT HIS WIFE!