AIBU to feel hurt that my in-laws want to exclude me from the celebratory promotion dinner for my husband?

[OneFirmBlueShaker]

Hi all, looking for some perspective on a situation with my husband's parents. My husband and I dated for 9 years before getting married 6 years ago - we've been together since I was 19 and he was 23, no kids. He just got a huge promotion and I'm so proud - I've been his number one support system, standing by him since we were both struggling and starting out in our careers. We had a clear agreement that I'd take on more household duties so he could focus on his career (I was working full-time too, but we decided together this was the best approach for us). I sacrificed a lot to help him get there, including date nights and time together.

His parents want to take him out for dinner to celebrate... and I'm not invited. I feel hurt and excluded, like they're overlooking my part in his success. When he said he wouldn't go without me, his mum said "A son is a son til he takes a wife" and "God forbid a son is just a son for one evening and goes to a celebratory dinner without his wife with his parents for one evening". Basically implying we're being unreasonable. My husband stood up for me, saying "Mom, Dad, it's not about me going to dinner without Kate - it's about celebrating my promotion with my partner. We're a team, and her support is what helped me get here. Excluding her feels like you're not acknowledging that."

Here's the thing - they've always included me in everything, treats us like a married unit, equal birthday gifts, Christmas, etc. I thought they saw me as a daughter. I'm hurt because it feels like they're suddenly excluding me now, when it matters most. This promotion affects our daily life as a couple, besides just my husband. I can't imagine if the roles were reversed and we'd said "FIL, we'll take you out for his birthday, but MIL, you can't come" .

What stings even more is that MIL and I are usually super close - I probably text her more than my husband does 😅. Given our relationship, you'd think she'd reach out to clear the air, especially after my husband told them how hurt I was. Feels like they're doubling down on being hurtful rather than caring about my feelings. Am I being unreasonable to expect to be included in this celebration?

I'm at a time of life where i have inlaws and i am a mother law.

I like to see my 3 adult daughters on their own, of course. We have a good natter. They come here or i go there or we go out together somewhere. Weekly usually. One at a time or a mix.

However - if i was throwing a celebration meal for one of them i'd absolutely invite the husbands or the fiancés. And i'd probably their sisters and the sister's husbands and their fiancés probably ! They all get on well and the more the merrier.

Has your DH got siblings OP? Would they not want an invite?

As for how i'd feel if PIL wanted to take DH out in his own .... i can't see that happening to be honest. We're not super close but we live miles apart and it would be quite a thing for them to come to us to take DH out and not see me or fir him to travel all the way to them on his own.
YANBU

Maybe they wanted to have some time just with him and misjudged what naming it "celebrate promotion" would mean for you and him.

Thanks everyone for your responses so far! It is appreciated. I don't have time to respond to every single response, but I wanted to address the themes I'm seeing. To me, it's not about parents not being "allowed" to spend time with their child - it's about the context and the fact that this is a celebration of my husband's achievement that affects our life together.

I get that some people are saying maybe his parents wanted alone time with their son, but here's the thing - when a spouse accomplishes something huge and they've had the support of their partner, it's not just about the individual, it's about the team. My husband made it clear he wanted me there, and his explanation was totally reasonable.

What hurt me wasn't just the exclusion, but MIL's response to my husband's wish. She basically implied we were being unreasonable for expecting to be included in a celebration of something that's gonna impact our life together. Like, big milestones affect both of us, so why wouldn't we celebrate together?

I understand I'm not their daughter, but they've always treated me like one, and we've always been treated as a married unit. So it feels like they're not acknowledging my part in this or respecting my husband's wishes. It's not about wanting to crash a family celebration, it's about being part of a team and being excluded from something that matters to both of us.

If it was just a casual thing, okay, but this is a huge promotion that's gonna affect our life. I think they should've respected my husband's wish and included me, especially since we've always been treated equally.

It's also weird that MIL didn't discuss this with me ahead of time - we usually talk about everything. And she didn't reach out after my husband mentioned I was hurt. I don't 'take over' when we're together - I engage in conversations, share stories, and participate in family discussions. I've developed a close bond with them over the years, and I thought they valued that. To be honest, I'm a bit surprised that was even a question - I mean, we talk, we laugh, we share stories... that's what family does.

Here's the thing - if it was a casual mother-son lunch or father-son event, sure. But both parents taking my husband out to a nice dinner to celebrate something huge in his life, and his wife isn't invited? That's a whole different story. Unless there's a major issue in the marriage or a huge feud going on, it just doesn't add up. I can't imagine MIL being fine if hubby and I decided to take FIL to a fancy restaurant to celebrate his retirement and told his wife she couldn't come!

And honestly, I'm surprised more people aren't saying it's a great sign that my husband is sticking up for me and placing his wife first, as he should. I'm proud and happy I have a husband who's so loyal to me and doesn't allow his wife to be excluded and overlooked.

I think I'm gonna reach out to MIL and ask what's going on, explain how I feel - that's what family does, right? Maybe I'm reading our relationship wrong, but I'd rather clear the air and understand what's going on.

I've been his number one support system, standing by him since we were both struggling and starting out in our careers. We had a clear agreement that I'd take on more household duties so he could focus on his career (I was working full-time too, but we decided together this was the best approach for us). I sacrificed a lot to help him get there, including date nights and time together.

I find this language a little overdone. You have no kids and are both in your 20s/early 30s, so will be at your peak energy levels too. Using the word sacrificed seems a bit hyperbolic, therefore, I wonder if your in-laws find you a bit OTT and cloying in personality.

I definitely don't think it's a bad thing for parents to want to spend alone time with their adult married child. In this instance I would let it be and don't make him feel guilty about it. Perhaps, don't text your MIL as often, limit the shopping trips etc. Match them with the same energy if you really feel this so personally.

Are you saying you're no longer work full time because you do more of the housework?

For Mother’s Day we always go to his mom’s for brunch then we chill at home for a bit and run errands then we head to my mom’s for dinner. We feel it is the most fair as both mom’s get equal time with us. We at least I feel so a great job at keeping things fair and equal between both sides of the family. We do Christmas Eve with his family Christmas Day with mine then the following year Christmas Eve with my family Christmas Day with his sake for Easter, Thanksgiving etc…

What does your husband think?

Tbf @Diosmonet before kids you think life is busy… after you’ve had kids you realise you had no idea what busy was 🤣

Good luck!

Sorry that was worded strangely. I have always worked full time and still continue to do so.

Can’t understand why anyone thinks it’s reasonable to exclude OP. She’s part of his life and the reason how he has got to this position . Really don’t think OP would rub their noses in it saying this. The fact that she gets on so well with the In-laws is all the more reason why she should be included. Hope OP’s partner refuses to go, and also asks them to explain their reasoning.

With regard to no one praising what your husband has said to them - yes it's good he wants you there too and good that he's told them that. But he's an adult - it's not especially amazing or anything. 🧐

domenica1
At least you have learned your place now according to them, and understand that your efforts invested in spending time with your MIL were wasted and not to bother in future! This stuff spending time with him as a son not a husband is a load of guff. If you’d been together a few months I could understand but you’ve been married years. Yanbu

Sorry but honestly the ‘don’t bother because they’ve shown their true selves’ thing is always ridiculous- they’re human and want one big night out with their son, it’s not a big ‘they obviously hate you’ conspiracy thing- and these attitudes will just make op bitter and everyone doubt each other leading to a very bitter and lonely life

He told his mom he won’t go to a celebratory dinner that excludes his wife when his wife is the main reason he was able to get to where he was and I was his biggest support system and it’s rude to exclude me from a celebration like this and his mom’s ever so lovely gracious response was, “god forbid a son is just a son for one evening and celebrates his life accomplishments solo with just his parents and I guess the old saying rings true a son is a son till he takes a wife.” I’m just sooo happy i got one of the good ones who always stands by me defends me and puts our marriage first.

It's coming across as though you want to be celebrated too for all your sacrifices of, what? Chucking in an extra load of washing and taking his turn at doing the dishes, and maybe foregoing a date night here and there?

Those are things you did for your partner, he should be taking you out to thank you for your sacrifices. It's not up to his parents to do that.

like they're overlooking my part in his success

Between this, all your talk of ‘sacrifice’, and your latest update, I think your IL’s probably just want to congratulate and celebrate your DH, allowing him to be the centre of attention, without you gegging in, implying he couldn’t and wouldn’t possibly have done it without you, and probably expecting a toast at the meal to you, as if it’s you that got the promotion, not him.

Why haven't you planned your own celebration with your husband (with or without your inlaws, other family or friends)?

if this is such a big deal it's odd that you are deferring to MIL for "the celebration" as opposed to just thinking it's their way of celebrating with him, with other celebrations also being possible ...

Do your parents always include DH? I'm guessing yes.

Does DH go out to dinner (or anywhere else) with his parents without you? Even if not celebrationary?

Spot on! OP you are seeming increasingly desperate…they want their son and not you on this one occasion!

This. I reallly hope that when my sons are adults I will still get to spend time with just them, as well as with them and their wives/partners. Just because you are married doesn’t mean that you’re joined at the hip.

I don’t know, I think there is quite a lot of weirdness that indicates to me all is not what it seems. Like why does a grown man need so much support from his wife to get a work promotion? Why did working for a promotion mean he can’t do his basic household self care? Why do his responses all sounds so robotic?

It’s the fact even after their own son stated in very clearly terms he wants his wife there and exactly why he wants his wife there my mil still doubled down on not including me. I’m just like why is this the hill to die on? Why be so adamant I’m not included? It doesn’t match the relationship I thought we had all these years and the fact she never ran it by me when we talk about everything else. I have trouble believing it didn’t come up in conversation and she never reached out to me afterwards. Ok fine don’t care about my feelings but care about the feelings of your own son who made it clear he wants his wife there. So I think the advice is spot on mil has shown me we aren’t as close as I thought and she doesn’t value me as I thought so I will step back from our relationship. Clearly she cares only about my husband and his part in this and not mine as her DIL and son’s wife so I’ll be polite whe I see her but I’ll only see her when my husband does. I’m saying goodbye to the texting she can go through her son and the shopping trips since she only wants to be around her son well guess what she will only talk to and be around her son. I’m out

I think you are making too big a deal of this. You and your dh can celebrate separately. You don't need to go to this dinner. Why should they only ever have casual time with their son? You are taking it too personally- it isn't about you.

For sure! He got the promotion and not you… no matter what you did in the background. At the end of the day, it was his hard work and efforts, nothing to do with you

I'm so on the fence i've got splinters up my arse 😳

I can see both sides equally i think.