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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to attend brother-in-law’s wedding 500 miles away due to cost and lack of relationship with them?

309 replies

SunnyEgg123 · 21/03/2026 16:09

Brother in law is getting married in the summer. The wedding is being held 500miles away from where we live and will cost approximately £1000 for the weekend away to attend (summer weekend in expensive area). We will have to take our young toddler to the wedding as they want them to attend for family photos etc. We are not part of the wedding party - my husband is not best man etc, we are guests at the full day though. It will be a very long weekend for the toddler and not particularly enjoyable for them. In laws are useless with them so no support there.

We barely see this brother despite living in the same city as him. Husband does not have a close relationship with him. Him and his future wife make no effort to see our child (have seem them maybe 3 times in 18months and only at other family obligations) and didn't attend their 1st birthday etc despite it being important to us.

This weekend away is barely affordable. We do not have a spare £1000 to attend a wedding for 2 days. I do not feel we should be obligated to go when we are not friends. We would not go to the wedding of someone else that makes so little effort in our lives.

Husband feels we are in a tricky position. He agrees that it's very disappointing the lack of effort they make to see us or our child but that it will cause a lot of family upset if he does not attend. He was initially in agreement we should not go but now feels fearful of the fallout.

AIBU to decide not to attend this wedding for the reasons above.

OP posts:
Minnie798 · 21/03/2026 16:11

Can dh not go alone?

Timeforabiscuit · 21/03/2026 16:13

Dh should go alone.

Whatado · 21/03/2026 16:13

If you dont want to go dont.

Not all adult siblings are friends. That doesn't mean they don't have a family love or care for each other. Its for your husband to decide what type of feelings he has for his sibling and if he wants to attend.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 21/03/2026 16:13

It’s your DH’s call surely. Plenty of siblings aren’t all that interested in their younger nieces / nephews particularly when they don’t have children themselves. I don’t see my sibling very often, but I wouldn’t miss something like a wedding.

Yadday · 21/03/2026 16:13

Agree with first post. DH should go alone.

Jopo12 · 21/03/2026 16:15

I think you have a few options.
-DH can go alone

-You can both go without toddler if you have someone to leave him/her with

-It doesn't have to cost £1000. Wear existing outfits or buy cheap on vinted. Stay in a cheap Travelodge or similar nearby. You could definitely make this work for under £500.

-None of you go... But I can see it causing a problem if your DH doesn't attend his brother's wedding

ThisOchreHedgehog · 21/03/2026 16:16

How much notice have you been given of the wedding?

Do you have other holiday plans or could you turn this into your summer holiday?

Could DH go on his own?

If you’ve seen them 3 times in 18 months, that’s on average every 6 months? I don’t think that’s bad going for relatives at the other end of the country tbh.

Pippa12 · 21/03/2026 16:16

I wouldn’t labour the point. It’s your DH brother and I’m sure it will cause holy hell if he doesn’t go to his wedding.

Its sad you don’t have a close relationship.
He should go alone if you don’t want to go.

OrigamiOwls · 21/03/2026 16:17

I think DH should go alone.

What does the £1000 cost include? Is it costing that much for accomodation as they are having it somewhere remote? Or is that lots of things added together?

TSW12 · 21/03/2026 16:19

Minnie798 · 21/03/2026 16:11

Can dh not go alone?

This.

MojoMoon · 21/03/2026 16:20

Attending any wedding with a toddler is rubbish regardless of how much you like the bride and groom. So that is no reason not to go, it's just a fact you have to accept and get on with it.

Really it is husband who has the main call here but not attending a sibling's wedding is a pretty big statement.

A baby's birthday party is not in any way equivalent. A child will have many birthdays and they aren't going to remember the first anyway. A wedding is usually a one off.

Not all siblings are best friends and best man/chief bridesmaid or living in each other',s pockets but it doesn't mean it is not still a valuable relationship.

ChurpyBurd · 21/03/2026 16:20

DH goes alone.
Problem solved.

Ionlymakejokestodistractmyself · 21/03/2026 16:22

Trying to work out why it would cost 1000, presumably travel and accommodation? Are you having to fly there? Have you looked into ways to do it more cheaply?

Perhaps DH should go alone if that would save money, it would be wrong for him not to go IMO.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 21/03/2026 16:28

It's difficult.

If he goes alone you are the villain.

I dont think its £1k
I'd suck it up and go but do it on your own terms...
E.g. something like this to make it a lot cheaper....

Dont stay on site....Stay anywhere in a 50min drive from the venue the night before and night of the wedding.
You dont drink and you drive.

Dont do any of the dumb wedding extras. eg brunch on sunday.

Get in and out.

Clothing
He must have a suit you must have some appropriate dress - thats £0
You can get something on vinted for a tenner for your son.

Gift - dont do cash... do something "sentimental" some shite like a watercolour of the wedding venue amd the wedding date its a lot cheaper and cant be criticised very easily because its "thoughtful"

Heatedrival · 21/03/2026 16:32

I would do everything I could to help my partner maintain his relationship with his sibling. You should go as you were invited. To not go would be damaging.

Anyahyacinth · 21/03/2026 16:40

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 21/03/2026 16:28

It's difficult.

If he goes alone you are the villain.

I dont think its £1k
I'd suck it up and go but do it on your own terms...
E.g. something like this to make it a lot cheaper....

Dont stay on site....Stay anywhere in a 50min drive from the venue the night before and night of the wedding.
You dont drink and you drive.

Dont do any of the dumb wedding extras. eg brunch on sunday.

Get in and out.

Clothing
He must have a suit you must have some appropriate dress - thats £0
You can get something on vinted for a tenner for your son.

Gift - dont do cash... do something "sentimental" some shite like a watercolour of the wedding venue amd the wedding date its a lot cheaper and cant be criticised very easily because its "thoughtful"

Edited

All these compromises are great. Not going is a HUGE statement to the rest of the family

DaisyChain505 · 21/03/2026 16:44

I think you can do it a lot cheaper than what you’re making out it will cost.

Im sure there’s a travel lodge or cheap hotel under £100 per night somewhere within an hours drive of the venue. Don’t drink and stay there.

Wear clothes you already own or buy from Vinted.

Dont give cash as a gift, do something cheaper like a photo album, wedding keepsake.

Eenameenadeeka · 21/03/2026 16:45

I think husband goes alone. I think you can pass, as it's a lot of travel for toddler but I don't think it's ok to miss your own brother's wedding without a massive fall out. You said you haven't seen them a whole lot and they didn't come to your child's birthday, but did he attend your wedding??

Yardbrushes · 21/03/2026 16:49

Husband should go alone and bunk in with family.
I would make up some excuse about the toddler.
Don't tell them what you have written here, that will cause drama.
Lots of people pre having their own children have absolutely no interest in them.
I wouldn't hold that against anyone.
I wouldn't do that distance with a toddler for a weekend, even without the toddler.

ScarlettSarah · 21/03/2026 16:50

I think your husband should be making the decision on this (not often I write that sentence!). Seeing as it's his brother and his family. Thing is, if people get married far away, these things happen. £1000 is a lot of money - maybe not to people on mumsnet, but in general, yes. He lives in the same city as you but has chosen to marry elsewhere? Then he has to accept people might not easily be able to travel.

I don't like the notion of them 'requiring' your toddler's presence for photos when they don't normally make much effort with him. I'd ignore that bit and go with what suits you as a little family.

Gloriia · 21/03/2026 16:52

I wouldn't take a toddler 500 miles for a wedding of people you don't see much of, brother or not it's just too far.
Just make an excuse.
Is everyone travelling 500miles? why is it so far away if they live near you?

CandyEnclosingInvisible · 21/03/2026 16:54

It's fine for you and the toddler to not go, but DH should try to attend his own brother's wedding. If doing so would put you into financial hardship he should ask his parents to help with the cost. Overseas weddings that cost a lot to attend are really selfish and it's quite reasonable to say out loud if cist is a barrier - nothing says "we only want to be friends with you if you are wealthy, if you aren't then don't come" quite as clear as a destination wedding.

JoWilkinsonsno1fan · 21/03/2026 16:54

I think your DH should really decide- I can imagine it being difficult for him if you don’t go. As others have said he goes alone or you reevaluate the cost.

We are going to a wedding in Scotland (we live in the midlands) in September for 2 nights - with cheap flights, lifts to the airport, cheaper hotel (with breakfast), we don’t drink much anyway, wearing already owned clothes/ suits etc… its cost nowhere near 1000 and theres 4 of us going (me, DH and 2 adults kids!)

Velvian · 21/03/2026 16:58

I think you should go, at the very least DH should go alone. It is a sibling's wedding.

Completely normal for people who haven't had young children not to be interested in babies and toddlers. If there is a discount, perfect opportunity for some toddler dancing, which everyone finds cute.

Would in laws pay for your accommodation if it stopping you from being able to attend.

I think you have to respect that this is DH's immediate family and cultivate the relationship you would like to have. In some ways, not being close currently, is all the more reason to bond at an important family event. Not going is really making a serious statement.

damelza · 21/03/2026 16:59

I can't see much saving if DH just goes by himself, he will still have to pay a single supplement in a hotel and travel and other costs even if you don't go. The only advantage is you not having to mind a toddler at the wedding!

I think what I'd do is, find a hotel nearby if that's an option and you all go. However you and toddler leave after the meal and go back to your hotel. You've done your duty and DH can stay and enjoy himself or he can leave with you.