AIBU not to attend brother-in-law’s wedding 500 miles away due to cost and lack of relationship with them?

[SunnyEgg123]

Brother in law is getting married in the summer. The wedding is being held 500miles away from where we live and will cost approximately £1000 for the weekend away to attend (summer weekend in expensive area). We will have to take our young toddler to the wedding as they want them to attend for family photos etc. We are not part of the wedding party - my husband is not best man etc, we are guests at the full day though. It will be a very long weekend for the toddler and not particularly enjoyable for them. In laws are useless with them so no support there.

We barely see this brother despite living in the same city as him. Husband does not have a close relationship with him. Him and his future wife make no effort to see our child (have seem them maybe 3 times in 18months and only at other family obligations) and didn't attend their 1st birthday etc despite it being important to us.

This weekend away is barely affordable. We do not have a spare £1000 to attend a wedding for 2 days. I do not feel we should be obligated to go when we are not friends. We would not go to the wedding of someone else that makes so little effort in our lives.

Husband feels we are in a tricky position. He agrees that it's very disappointing the lack of effort they make to see us or our child but that it will cause a lot of family upset if he does not attend. He was initially in agreement we should not go but now feels fearful of the fallout.

AIBU to decide not to attend this wedding for the reasons above.

Not necessarily if they can't afford for him to go, even on his own.

I cannot imagine not going to a sibling’s wedding unless I was NC with them. BIL flew back from India with his girlfriend in the middle of a long planned round the world trip for our wedding and we aren’t hugely close (see them maybe 3-4 times a year).

That said, I cannot see how it could possibly cost £500 a night to attend a wedding. Okay, admittedly it may cost £200 in fuel to drive there. But then stay in a campsite (£20 a night for the 4 of you). Or an Airbnb. We live in Cornwall and with a bit of searching I can still find a local one at the height of summer for less than £100 a night. Don’t drink so you don’t require expensive taxis.

How is it costing £1000? I live 500 miles from bil and it’s circa £55 in fuel (add £15 as it give up!) £50 on food and drinks during journey (you could save here by bringing food from home for outbound plus drinks for both ways) a hotel even in expensive places like London is no more than about £200 a night if you look about, then £80 for dinner on the first night and £100 for drinks and other bits and bobs on the day, that’s £700 with assumptions that the hotel is twice the price we typically pay and you don’t opt to save by packing drinks, making sandwiches etc. wear clothes you already own and don’t worry about a gift, you are travelling a long way to get there, gifts are not compulsory

Driving 500 miles on the day of the wedding could be tricky and stressful so I would have though two nights at a hotel are needed so the £1000 doesn’t sound that high.

500 miles? Are you sure? Trying to imagine where this could be and why it would cost £1k.

The toddlers 1st birthday is so not important to anyone but you, seriously. And if you want to leave him behind with other family then do regardless of photos.

Your husband wants to go. Are any of you in your 20s? If so beware, this happens especially with men. They drift in their 20s but then come back to family bonds. It would be a shame for the brothers that you’d prevented him celebrating his brothers wedding because you were precious over the PFB

It’s his brother. I think he should go at the very least. You also don’t need to take your toddler, I’m sure they’ll live without them featuring in the photos. I’d get childcare and then use it as an excuse to let loose with my dh for the weekend.

Of course you and toddler don’t have to go if you don’t want to. I’m struggling to imagine how it’s £1000, but even if it was half that it is still very expensive for the 3 of you. But DH should 100% try and attend, I can’t imagine missing a sibling’s wedding, even one I’m not hugely close to.

DH should go alone if you don’t want to. Siblings might not be close but not attending a wedding would be a sore point ever more. If you all go, be gracious, find a cheaper way to make it work. Could you go for 2 nights, cheap Hotel and is there anyone (Mum or friend) who could travel with you to watch DS at night? Could be a really good day.

Nobody’s forcing you to go!
As for complaining about your BIL not seeing your child, it’s a 2 way thing. If you want your child to see his uncle, surely your DH is as capable of taking him to his brother as his brother is coming to you?

I’m in nearly exactly the same dilemma as you with my DSis. Except they basically aren’t doing a reception (but a BBQ) and it will cost us £1500 for flights, hotel, taxis to and from the airport, car hire, insurance, food and drink, all for less than 48 hours there and back. It is 600 miles to a remote part of the country.

We decided not to go. I’m not close to DSis at all and she is extremely selfish. DMum is also extremely difficult and I just felt from the off they didn’t think about anyone else when planning the wedding. For reference, me and DSis both live within 4 hours drive of one another and Ddad is in the middle two hours away (in our home town). She just happens to be getting married near to DMum now….

I can definitely believe the cost for the distance. Also, it very much is DH’s call. I wouldn’t feel guilty at all for such a long distance, especially since DBIL lives so close to you.

Your estimate of £1000 seems very far fetched. The most expensive location i can think of is Chelsea in London.

Say for example, the wedding was in Chelsea - I would get a train/car and drive away after 9pm and keep going until the hotels became £170 for the night.

The issue is really that you can't be arsed. Which is quite selfish - given that this is still your DH brother.

Why do people get married so far away from their base, their family and their friends then expect them all to go? Ridiculous tbh. Don't go OP if you don't want to, you don't sound close at all.

We don’t see our siblings often, we all have busy lives and arranging time to catch up is a nightmare however we wouldn’t miss a wedding or a party . We don’t all live nearby but make an effort for special occasions,

The bride’s family and friends all may live in the area they are getting married.

Ah, yeah, good point! Thanks.

I'm a little puzzled by this post. Given that it's 874 miles from Lands End to John O'Groats, it's quite possible to be travelling this distance in this country?

*874 miles by road, that is.

500 miles within the UK is perfectly plausible. It’s over 500 from my house to Cornwall, and it’s not inconceivable that folk from the Home Counties would fancy a highland castle wedding (if you start in Shetland you can travel 500 miles and not leave Scotland…)

I think I’d send your DH alone. Much easier to go for cheaper options when you are not factoring in a toddler.

It's your husband's brother, of course he has to go. You should probably go too unless you really are financially struggling. The fact they have little interest in your child I'm presuming is because they are childless. Some people without kids tend not to be interested until they have kids themselves and then they realise it was bad form (not everyone but I had little interest in my niece and nephews in my 20s until I had my own kids). Unless there's a huge backstory of abuse or something then it's one of those family obligations where you have to put them first. You might even have fun.

Can't believe the replies here, oh it's only a grand, can't be that far, can't cost that much, you must be mistaken. London to Edinburgh is easily 500 miles, then 2 nights hotel and all the other expenses, hitting a grand is very easy to do. No, fuck that OP, you're right to say not happening. That's more than a month of rent or mortgage payment for most people. No fucking way would I be doing that. Because I simply don't have the money.

You clearly don’t want to go but it’s also your child’s family! Your child’s uncle, cousins, grandparents etc. i’m sure you can find a cheaper solution than 1k for 2 nights away. I understand that DH doesn’t want to miss his brother’s wedding. Also I think you are expecting a bit much re relationship with your toddler. If you don’t go to the wedding, it will be even worse.

DH should go alone, say it's too expensive and difficult with toddler for you to attend

DH’s brother so as others have said, he should decide and it would be easier for him to go alone by the sound of things. Utterly baffling that a person would have a wedding in the same country but 500 miles away from home. I understand weddings abroad (different weather, culture etc) but to do this in the same country is just selfish.

I think not having the money is quite black and white. No one would miss paying their rent or go without food to pay for a wedding

but let’s be honest, for more people they’d just rather not spend it. It would mean using savings or a credit card. They could go though.

its also though- how cheap to do you expect a wedding to be? You could easily sink £100 at the bar at a crap wedding in the rugby club done the road.

Obvious solution is to let dh go alone.: I think it would be bad form to miss a siblings wedding .