AIBU not to attend brother-in-law’s wedding 500 miles away due to cost and lack of relationship with them?

[SunnyEgg123]

Brother in law is getting married in the summer. The wedding is being held 500miles away from where we live and will cost approximately £1000 for the weekend away to attend (summer weekend in expensive area). We will have to take our young toddler to the wedding as they want them to attend for family photos etc. We are not part of the wedding party - my husband is not best man etc, we are guests at the full day though. It will be a very long weekend for the toddler and not particularly enjoyable for them. In laws are useless with them so no support there.

We barely see this brother despite living in the same city as him. Husband does not have a close relationship with him. Him and his future wife make no effort to see our child (have seem them maybe 3 times in 18months and only at other family obligations) and didn't attend their 1st birthday etc despite it being important to us.

This weekend away is barely affordable. We do not have a spare £1000 to attend a wedding for 2 days. I do not feel we should be obligated to go when we are not friends. We would not go to the wedding of someone else that makes so little effort in our lives.

Husband feels we are in a tricky position. He agrees that it's very disappointing the lack of effort they make to see us or our child but that it will cause a lot of family upset if he does not attend. He was initially in agreement we should not go but now feels fearful of the fallout.

AIBU to decide not to attend this wedding for the reasons above.

Do you want a closer relationship? If yes, then keep the option open by attending. I imagine things may change if they have children.

If you are happy to let the relationship stay slack then send the husband or none of you attend.

Have you ever communicated your upset at lack of effort?

I didn’t attend my nephew’s wedding as I didn’t feel I could justify the time and expense. My brother and SIL didn’t attend my wedding for similar reasons and we’re all still close.

If your family is the sort to hold petty grudges, then they’re really not worth bothering with in the first place.

Another vote for DH going alone, I only went to the ceremony and the meal of my SIL’s wedding with 2 under 5 year olds, I did the photos and then took them home (thankfully it was only 40 mins away). I skipped out with them before the speeches and DH stayed with his family for the rest of the afternoon and evening do.
He came home the next day, he said no one had said anything negative about us going early and people had been surprised and complimentary at how well the little ones had sat for the few hours we had been there.
Had the wedding been 500 miles away there is absolutely no way I would have gone, with a toddler in tow.
DH would have gone on his own and stayed in a travel lodge and caught up with his family.

No. You don’t need to jump through hoops for people who do little for you. I would tell DH you aren’t going, but he’s welcome to.

If they are hang a wedding 500miles from where they live there’s likely to be quite a few not attending.

Is the wedding abroad?

You are better off sending DH with toddler if possible since you obviously don’t want to go.

You not going will likely not be as big of an issue as your DH and toddler not attending his brother’s wedding.

I think she'd have said if a flight was involved surely.

It’s your husbands brother. You all or at least your husband should go. These things matter

I would have thought so but she didn’t mention a 10 hour drive either so it got me thinking.

If DH wants you to go, you should go. If he agrees its too difficult with toddler or too expensive, then he goes alone. They will understand. Even if you don't see family all the time they are still family. My sisters had ridiculously expensive weddings and i had to save up and just suck it up. Not going is a major statement and can cause permanent damage. If you really don't want to go I think you should be honest with DH and also encourage DH to go alone and make it as simple as possible for him to do so.

I think at the very least husband should go alone. Is there any way to go cheaper, like stay in a travelodge?

Exactly. London to Aberdeen, Belfast, Inverness (or vice versa); South coast cities to Edinburgh or Glasgow… How can people not work this out? The OP hasn’t even said the wedding is in the UK - or that SHE’s in the UK!

I think a lot of people just dislike the OP’s stance, so rather than just criticising her actions, they’re trying to pick holes in the entire story.

Your child first birthday is in no way comparable to a wedding. If you don't turn up to their wedding it will never be forgotten or forgiven, and it will always be thrown back at you if there are any family issues.

It’s 500 miles! Why wouldn’t you think a flight was involved?

He's your DH's brother and they're not estranged. Not being best friends doesn't mean they don't love each other and a wedding is a huge life event.

You seem annoyed that they missed your child's first birthday party but a wedding is a much bigger deal.

Not sure where the £1k comes from? Petrol/Diesel yes that is maybe 150-180, but you can do a reasonably cheap hotel (75-100)and not get new clothes and ease off a little on the present (tops £50). I think these events are important and not going might be very badly received.

Why is it going to cost so much? And how often do you make the effort to see them?

Hedgehog, they live in the same city. Only the wedding is far away.

So much about this post is wrong.

Is it a whole weekend wedding? Could you get up early and drive down and then go home the same day or get a travelogue for the day before and then drive home after the wedding? Toddler can be put into pyjamas/night nappy before driving home? I would suck it up. Look on Vinted for clothes if you do not have anything in the wardrobe

I’m all for extreme day trips but that really does sound extreme.

Husband should absolutely attend.

Because she'd have said what with flights etc. As pp have said Scotland to the south coast can be 800miles so it's perfectly feasible that it's in the same country, if it's overseas even more reason to pass.