AIBU not to attend brother-in-law’s wedding 500 miles away due to cost and lack of relationship with them?

[SunnyEgg123]

Brother in law is getting married in the summer. The wedding is being held 500miles away from where we live and will cost approximately £1000 for the weekend away to attend (summer weekend in expensive area). We will have to take our young toddler to the wedding as they want them to attend for family photos etc. We are not part of the wedding party - my husband is not best man etc, we are guests at the full day though. It will be a very long weekend for the toddler and not particularly enjoyable for them. In laws are useless with them so no support there.

We barely see this brother despite living in the same city as him. Husband does not have a close relationship with him. Him and his future wife make no effort to see our child (have seem them maybe 3 times in 18months and only at other family obligations) and didn't attend their 1st birthday etc despite it being important to us.

This weekend away is barely affordable. We do not have a spare £1000 to attend a wedding for 2 days. I do not feel we should be obligated to go when we are not friends. We would not go to the wedding of someone else that makes so little effort in our lives.

Husband feels we are in a tricky position. He agrees that it's very disappointing the lack of effort they make to see us or our child but that it will cause a lot of family upset if he does not attend. He was initially in agreement we should not go but now feels fearful of the fallout.

AIBU to decide not to attend this wedding for the reasons above.

'I think you should go, at the very least DH should go alone. It is a sibling's wedding'

It's 500 miles away! People should consider the massive inconvenience when they choose such venues.

why is it 500 miles away? Is that where his fiancee is from?

But in general, not attending a sibling's wedding is a giant FU (and I am curious to see the workings of your £1k claim). Is your husband prepared to burn that bridge?

There will be no coming back from refusing to attend the wedding. I suspect it will be relationship ending and will have wider consequences with PIL etc too. I’d be very careful before going nuclear.

Not attending your dh’s brothers wedding is shit!

i wouldn’t have missed any of our siblings weddings, yeah some were annoying eg having to travel to the wedding, take extra days off work, kids miss school etc but they are still family.

Surely travel costs and at least 2 nights in a hotel plus outfits and a gift will easily add up to that?

Not attending a sibling's wedding 500 miles away is not a fu its a thanks but no thanks.

Tbh it sounds like you feel you ought to attend and they feel they ought to invite you.

It may be that they won't actually be bothered if you dont go.

Id send my apologies, and a gift, and leave them to it.

500miles is a lot more than London to Edinburgh, or London to Paris, it's nearly London to Berlin.

So probably a flight.

Enough of a destination that parents with small child might find it unmanageable.

I wonder where it is really.

I’d say DH should go on his own.

Unless he’s not bothered at all, in which case none of you go. But if you think it’s important for DH to maintain a civil relationship with them he should go.

YANBU if you don't want to attend.

Your DH can go to his brother's wedding alone.

It'll probably work out cheaper too as he might be able to book a single room.

Leave toddler with your family but I think you and DH should go. Not attending a siblings wedding is poor.

They live in the same city as BIL, it's the wedding venue that is 500 miles away.

His own db isn't even part of the wedding and they want your dc as a prop? Definitely bloody don't make the effort to go.

It does come across as petulance, they are at a different life stage and you see it as a blight against you that they rarely visit or hold a keen interest in your child. And whilst this may feel hurtful, it’s not uncommon. I would be the bigger person here and encourage attendance to their wedding. What a fabulous occasion to celebrate family and welcoming your future SIL into the fold. Encourage your husband to see if there are cheaper options for staying. As you said you are not part of the wedding party so between both of you are more than able to parent your child and enjoy the day.

We are not at a family wedding today for exactly the same reason. Couple were perfectly fine with it - again they are in-law relatives we hardly see, tbh I think they are secretly glad we declined as I think the invite was to be polite.

I think wedding invites are just that, invites. Anyone can decline or accept. In saying that both parties have to be aware of potential repercussions. By choosing a destination wedding BIL has to accept that some people may not be able to go. Those that decline have to understand that others may be unhappy with the decision made.
you and DH need to make sure you are both on the same page with this. And need to stand firm with any decision you make. He needs to ensure he is standing with you. I think you either both go or none of you go.
If you all go then he helps with childcare otherwise you’ll be on kid duty all the time.
A destination wedding at peak time can easily add up to £1K for the 3 of you particularly if you are expected to stay in a certain venue. (Read as subsidise their wedding venue)
if DH goes alone then be aware you are also setting a precedent for how his family may treat you and by extension your DC.
Ive been here and the key message is to be united and discuss fall out and how you will deal with any that may occur.

Do you live in Lands End and the wedding is in John oh Groats? There are very few places in the UK that are 500 miles away from one another (that's one of them-600 actually). Anyway.... It's a long way away and you fear it might be expensive (possibly could be done for less than 1k if you were being honest?). More to the point you can't be arsed because bil can't be arsed.
That makes the relationship sound very conditional and transactional (if bil did this then we'd do that). Does your husband get on with his brother, does he like/love him? Because ideally one wouldn't be keeping a ledger with a sibling. You do things for and with them because it's an important relationship not because they did or didn't entertain you/visit/attend your events. If DH hates his brother and considers him an arse then fair enough but but not going to a siblings wedding will have consequences. If you and the family can accept those because DH really needs to let bil know how much of an arse he is then go for it (although maybe a more mature approach would be for DH to talk to bil about how he feels).....

Yeah, unless you're nc and planning to stay that way, not going to a sibling's wedding isn't an option. But not taking the toddler definitely is. Book a cheap place for a night or two, wear whatever you already have and enjoy a child free weekend. And if BIL has kids, don't bother with them any more than he bothers with yours.

Do you live in Lands End and the wedding is in John oh Groats? There are very few places in the UK that are 500 miles away from one another (that's one of them-600 actually).

The OP doesn’t say the wedding is in the UK. She doesn’t even say SHE is in the UK.

3 times in 18 months isn’t that bad

I rarely see my stepbrother but I didn’t even question going to his wedding - it was a given I would go on both sides

I don’t think not seeing them often is an excuse in this case

if you genuinely cat make it due to cost don’t go and tell them that

Dont go, I wouldn't.

Yes agreed - why do adults need to be at children’s bday parties!! They prob just thought it was for children

This. 100% DHs call but incredibly unreasonable not to attend a siblings wedding

It sounds to me that you just don’t want to go and so now are justifying it

did they come to your wedding?

I think you sound very petulant and transactional

Either your DH goes on his own or you find a way to do it cheaper.

As PP have said, your DH goes alone.