AIBU not to attend brother-in-law’s wedding 500 miles away due to cost and lack of relationship with them?

[SunnyEgg123]

Brother in law is getting married in the summer. The wedding is being held 500miles away from where we live and will cost approximately £1000 for the weekend away to attend (summer weekend in expensive area). We will have to take our young toddler to the wedding as they want them to attend for family photos etc. We are not part of the wedding party - my husband is not best man etc, we are guests at the full day though. It will be a very long weekend for the toddler and not particularly enjoyable for them. In laws are useless with them so no support there.

We barely see this brother despite living in the same city as him. Husband does not have a close relationship with him. Him and his future wife make no effort to see our child (have seem them maybe 3 times in 18months and only at other family obligations) and didn't attend their 1st birthday etc despite it being important to us.

This weekend away is barely affordable. We do not have a spare £1000 to attend a wedding for 2 days. I do not feel we should be obligated to go when we are not friends. We would not go to the wedding of someone else that makes so little effort in our lives.

Husband feels we are in a tricky position. He agrees that it's very disappointing the lack of effort they make to see us or our child but that it will cause a lot of family upset if he does not attend. He was initially in agreement we should not go but now feels fearful of the fallout.

AIBU to decide not to attend this wedding for the reasons above.

Decline politely and apologetically. Send a nice present. You can't afford £1k, what can you afford? I'd be thinking maybe £300 or so if you can afford it. He'll remember the present not your apology.

Not necessarily. I’m not saying flights are definitely involved, because we don’t know - but when it’s a 500-mile distance and the cost is around £1000 for three of them to attend, I certainly wouldn’t assume there were no flights involved just because it hadn’t been explicitly stated.

Well often you have to stay on site for a wedding so you have no choice over the cost of accommodation.

Exactly. It’s insane that anyone would suggest a 1000-mile round trip in a day - before you even consider that there’s a toddler involved.

Nothing written in stone says you have to stay on site and OP says DH is not best man, so it would be possible to attend and leave at a reasonable time and head back to a Premier Inn/Travelodge.

They do not live 500miles away - they live in the same city as us about 15 minutes drive away. They are always too busy to do anything and husband has no interest in spending time with his sibling as they don't have much in common.

There is no point in husband going alone. The costs will be the same. The venue is in the middle of nowhere in an expensive area of the country. The hotels in the middle of summer are extortionate with even the cheapest of hotels £200 plus per night.

I'd go, I travelled over 1000 miles to go to my brother's wedding and he travelled 5000 to attend mine.
There must be ways to make it cost less than £1000 if you can't afford that, and worst case your husband goes alone. If it's all in the UK can you car share with someone else and split petrol? Look for an Airbnb or a travel lodge for the night etc

Ok so £200 for a hotel for the night, where is the rest of the £1000 coming from? Petrol £150-200 tops

Has your DH spoken to his family and said something like, "we'd love to come but unfortunately we can't afford it. We just don't have £1,000 spare"?

Maybe your BIL will suggest an alternative, e.g. staying in a relative's spare room. I'm guessing that the bride's family are local, as holding a wedding 500 miles from both sides of the family would be pretty inconsiderate.

Can he not bunk in with a family member OP - his parents maybe. Lots of hotel rooms sleep 3 people.

I’m sorry, but I’d still suck it up and spend £200 on a hotel room for my sibling's wedding if I could stretch to it. Heck, if I couldn’t stretch to it I’d stay in a cheaper hotel within an hours radius and drive. Half of your original post was about the inconvenience of it all as well, not just the cost, which surely would be managed with DH going on his own?

He should attend his brothers wedding yes.

Although to be fair if your DH genuinely has no interest in spending time with his sibling as they don't have much in common maybe he should do everyone a favour and admit that, both to save you a lot of money and so BIL can invite guests who truly want to be there.

Yes I think you should go. I can't imagine the upset and bad feeling it would cause amongst the family if a brother and his wife and child decided not to go to the grooms wedding! You mention in-laws aren't good with your child but honestly I wouldn't expect them to help at all family wedding anyway, they'll have a duty to mingle with the guests and be available for photos! If your DH wants to go I think you'll have to. Is there any way to shorten the stay to save money? Could you bring someone from your family to help mind the toddler? Or else use the toddler as an excuse to retreat to your room early if you arent enjoying the day!

It would seem I am being unreasonable and not going to the wedding is not an option. It will burn a hole in our savings but I guess that will need to be to keep the peace. I just feel it's a massive amount of effort for people that make no effort for us at any time.

No they did not attend our wedding. We eloped and were married in a small intimate ceremony with friends present.

To those that feel my distances cannot possibly be accurate the wedding is on a remote Scottish island (I did not say this as did not feel it was important and didn't want the post to be identifiable) but clearly most people on here feel the UK is much smaller than it actually is and its impossible to travel 500miles. There are no local travelodges and flying is far too expensive in the middle of summer. We will likely have to go for 2-3 days to even make it bearable for the drive. It's very possible to spend £1000 on a weekend away to a remote Scottish location in the middle of summer even doing it cheaply.

I do not expect anyone to look after my toddler at a family wedding and I am perfectly capable of doing so myself, but I don't expect there presence to be requested 'for photos'. I think its unreasonable to expect them to travel so far by car for an adult occasion and someone they do not even know.

It sounds like you will have to suck it up. No new clothes and no gift it is then.

I don't understand couples who insist on remote, expensive locations for a wedding then throw a tantrum when people decline.

People are more important to me than places.

How is everyone else managing? Can you club together with other guests and get a group deal on accommodation? Admittedly, your options will be limited on the islands (unless the wedding is on Skye and you can stay on the mainland, but it doesn't sound like it). I've been to Lewis and Harris and beautiful as they were, the extra time taken by the journeys to and fro on the car ferry really added up.

It’s an important family occasion. Of course you should attend!

Have they invited a lot of people or is it a smaller wedding?

Personally, I’d say you can’t afford it and see if they offer to pay if they really do want you all to be there!

We went to BIL's wedding. He obviously didn't think we'd turn up (there was a background story to do with missing funds after DH's parents died).
We were sat on the farthest table by the toilets with some random neighbours😂
Haven't seen or heard from him in 10 years and life is much calmer.
You don't have to go. The world won't end - not because of that anyway.

Christ that would be a no from me, absolutely ridiculous to expect people to traipse all the way up there, especially with a toddler.
they couldn’t have made it much more difficult & inconvenient really, all for the instagram photos I expect.
say sorry, impossible for us but we will treat you to a meal locally when back from honeymoon.

Personal outlook here. When it comes to siblings and important events - weddings and funerals, not anniversaries or their children's baptisms or birthdays - our family attends.

We attend with the understanding there's unlikely to be another wedding or funeral for that sibling. Our (OH and my) siblings are not close to us.

But you have to weigh up your outlook and that of your family.

You aren’t close and you’ll struggle to afford it so don’t go. No one should get into financial struggle just to attend someone’s wedding, family or not (but especially more so when you aren’t even close to them!)

Exactly!