AIBU not to attend brother-in-law’s wedding 500 miles away due to cost and lack of relationship with them?

[SunnyEgg123]

Brother in law is getting married in the summer. The wedding is being held 500miles away from where we live and will cost approximately £1000 for the weekend away to attend (summer weekend in expensive area). We will have to take our young toddler to the wedding as they want them to attend for family photos etc. We are not part of the wedding party - my husband is not best man etc, we are guests at the full day though. It will be a very long weekend for the toddler and not particularly enjoyable for them. In laws are useless with them so no support there.

We barely see this brother despite living in the same city as him. Husband does not have a close relationship with him. Him and his future wife make no effort to see our child (have seem them maybe 3 times in 18months and only at other family obligations) and didn't attend their 1st birthday etc despite it being important to us.

This weekend away is barely affordable. We do not have a spare £1000 to attend a wedding for 2 days. I do not feel we should be obligated to go when we are not friends. We would not go to the wedding of someone else that makes so little effort in our lives.

Husband feels we are in a tricky position. He agrees that it's very disappointing the lack of effort they make to see us or our child but that it will cause a lot of family upset if he does not attend. He was initially in agreement we should not go but now feels fearful of the fallout.

AIBU to decide not to attend this wedding for the reasons above.

@SunnyEgg123

You and your DH barely have anything to do with his brother, you're not close, and he is having a wedding that may as well be in another country. So why on earth would you even consider going to this wedding?

This is clearly causing you distress (and your DH too I imagine.) As you say, you won't save much by having him go alone, so you need to draft a response to your BIL stating that because of the distance, the cost, and the logistics in general with having a toddler, you are going to have to decline.

As has been said, people can't have a wedding that's 500 miles away/12-14 hours travel/2 nights stay in a hotel for everyone, then act all butthurt, and shocked, and offended when people decline the invitation.

Stay strong. Say 'no thank you, but have a lovely time.' If he gets pissy and arsey, well so what? You're not close anyway, so there will be no love lost.

Someone said 'we always go to family events, weddings, Christenings, funerals, big birthday parties etc....' But I am sure they wouldn't go to something that was 500 miles away, and required 1 or 2 night's stay in a hotel. Adding maybe half a grand to the 'celebration.'

Honestly - why the F do people have these events so far away from home? To what end?! All they are doing is causing lots of extra stress and financial costs for their guests.

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We live 500 miles from BIL -ive checked Google maps. . He's in the Hebrides and we're near Bath. There's no airport on the island so it's a 12 hour road trip plus ferries. Fuel is so expensive on the island we allow one tank of diesel each journey and a third for getting around the island. If we've not been able to stay with BIL (if other family have been given his spare room ) then it's at least 2 nights in a hotel for 3 adults (DS is a teen). It can easily cost £1000, as there's none of the Premier Inn type of hotels.

You could have an amazing time

I have family in the outer Hebrides and the agreement is some of us attend family events not all, as we’re in the SE England and all aware how crazy expensive it is to get to the islands and vice versa to here.

However, it seems your BIL has not factored this in at all and his wedding is on par with an abroad wedding. My only recommendation is IF you do decide to go - don’t go for two nights with a toddler. The journey is intense. The roads up are also not forgiving or fun especially during summer. I would make a holiday of it if you can, it’s a beautiful part of the world and go for a week if you have the time/annual leave. A holiday let might work out the same price (sadly probably slightly more) for a week instead of a couple of nights in a hotel.

This. And TBH I can't imagine many people being interested in a baby's first birthday other than the parents.

At least the birthday party was in the same city though, not 500 miles away.

Baffles me why anyone would go to a wedding, 500 miles away, in the arse end of nowhere, when it's a family member they're not close to, and who isn't generally arsed with them most of the time. No way would I go. No-one in their right mind would.

In principle I agree, but have to now admit we did not attend BILs wedding.🫪

I think we had mitigating circumstances though. They got married at very short notice ( less than 3 months) and we already had a big holiday booked for the same time. If it had been a week in Bognor or something then we would have cancelled. However, it was a long haul trip we had been planning and saving for for ages so we would have lost £1000s if we had cancelled with that sort of notice

We did look in to cutting the holiday three days short so be we could get back in time but we couldn't change the flights without re- booking which would have cost several £100s more.

BIL understood but I am not sure SIL ever forgave us. Anyway she is ex-SIL now so whatever!

A lot of people making me out to be unreasonable that I don't want to attend the wedding as they didn't attend my baby's birthday. I understand that their 1st birthday is important to very few. This was only used as an example of why I feel it's not that unreasonable to not attend given the lack of effort ever shown by them towards us.

The birthday party was in the same city approximately 15 minutes away from them, was for family and adult friends (not a party full of toddlers as we seen it as our celebration of getting our baby to aged 1) and they didn't make the effort to attend. They now expect us (including the toddler) to attend a wedding 500miles away requiring a full days worth of driving at minimum never mind the costs.

@SunnyEgg123 You have been pretty much vindicated by most on here.

You don't need to go.

Not close to BIL.

Gonna cost £1000 (potentially) to attend.

Toddler in tow.

500 miles away in the arse end of nowhere.

You don't have to go, just decline saying the distance and cost and logistics are going to make it too hard to attend.

As I (and others ) have said, you can't have a wedding so far away from everyone, and then piss and moan if some people don't attend.

He will get over it!

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I would not be attending.

500 miles away on a remote Scottish island that bride and groom have no connection to? That's my definition of a 'destination wedding' - that it is technically within the UK and doesn't require a passport doesn't change that B&G are expecting their guests to do a significant amount of travelling at significant expense, and must therefore expect that some guests will decline.

Decline.

"Husband feels we are in a tricky position. He agrees that it's very disappointing the lack of effort they make to see us or our child but that it will cause a lot of family upset if he does not attend. He was initially in agreement we should not go but now feels fearful of the fallout."
What exact "family upset" and "fallout" is he expecting, and from who? Because I'd just be putting on my wide-eyed innocent act and expressing amazement that anyone would expect me to commit to such a ridiculous amount of travel.

@SunnyEgg123, you really don’t need to pay any attention to a bunch of whackjobs on AIBU hitting a button on a poll.

Most posters who have written coherently on the thread agree with you.

(Why did you post on AIBU? It’s a mosh pit.)

It is not far fetched in any way and if anything is likely an underestimation. There are other parts of the UK than London/England!

You are correct - I can't be arsed to travel 12 hours by car and ferry to a wedding for someone that cannot travel 15mins across a very accessible city to see me/my child.

‘BIL/SIL thank you for the invitation to celebrate your wedding with you. Unfortunately we will have to decline as logistically this doesn’t work for us as a family. We hope you have a wonderful Wedding and look forward to seeing you on your return.’
Pass the ball back to them. (Knowing full well they’ll never contact you on their return.)
no lengthy justification required. If they ask you can elaborate if you see fit but be aware that if for example you say money then someone offers to contribute to you going. When your reasons for not attending are not limited to just finance.

My workings are that it is currently more expensive to fly to a Scottish island than it is to fly to New York. Not everywhere in the UK is easy to reach. We are unable to afford to fly and therefore have to drive and ferry, still costing £100s before the very high cost of accommodation.

Woah I must hire your travel agent services that without even knowing the location you were able to half the costs!

There are many places in the UK more than 500 miles apart. UK does not equal England - there are 3 other countries within it!

Thanks both. Many people seem to have forgotten that England is not the UK, there are 3 others countries in the UK with far more remote areas and that not everywhere is accessible by flight or has a Travelodge!

I took my DD to a family members wedding on a Scottish island at 9 months and frankly never again.
I wildly underestimated how much longer driving up should take with a hot and bored child. We had 2 full days driving up and down plus overnight ferry and 4 days there. So as long travelling as we were there. DD was miserable 4 days in the car in a week.
I spent £1k and I'll be totally honest I didn't even take my car onto the island I used a family members, I didn't pay accommodation on there my dad rented us all a place and my dad paid most of our meals.
Travel up was about £1500 to fly plus I live 3 hours from the airport so driving was cheaper.
But the ferry was so oversubscribed I couldn't get the car on and we couldn't get cabins so I spent weeks holding out for cancellations and snapping them up.
The cost and the drive and the organization mean it's a never ever again from me.
Don't go. Learn from me.

@SunnyEgg123 it’s odd for a sibling to miss the wedding. So unless they’ve had a falling out your DH should be there. It will ruin the grooms day being asked where his brother is all day by family members.

But, you have the perfect excuse not to go ‘it’s just not suitable for the toddler, it will be a nightmare etc..’

DH should go alone.

Have you read the OP's updates?

Maybe you should have just given specifics on where you live/where the wedding is so people could have had a better idea and given better opinions based on the knowledge.

I think YABU for clinging onto the fact they didn’t attended a 1 YO’s party. People without kids don’t care about other people’s kids. Sorry but just a fact. Your child may be the centre of your universe but that doesn’t mean it’s the same for everyone you know. A wedding is a very different thing.

However I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to not want to attended but you and your husband need to make it clear to the brother why. Your husband should still go and you should say if it was closer all three of you would be there but it’s just not feasible money wise or with a toddler in tow.

Get your husband to bunk up with other family and they can split the cost of fuel for driving there and for a room. I’m sure he has a suit in his wardrobe he can wear and just get a sentimental gift, not cash. It doesn’t have to cost the world.

You would save costs by your DH going along because he would be able to car share with some relatives he’s closer to?
When my DH had a family wedding in Scotland (we’re in the Southwest) he went with his parents and brother. He shared the driving with his brother and the fuel was split 3 ways, he stayed in the hotel with his brother in a twin room so the cost was 50/50.
Most posts aren’t saying your unreasonable not to go, most are saying you should arrange it so your husband goes to his brothers wedding as he is the one worried about the fall out and you should stay at home with your child.
I couldn’t think of much worse then travelling to a remote Scottish island at the height of summer with a toddler in tow.

Yes, go. It’s close family