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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to attend brother-in-law’s wedding 500 miles away due to cost and lack of relationship with them?

309 replies

SunnyEgg123 · 21/03/2026 16:09

Brother in law is getting married in the summer. The wedding is being held 500miles away from where we live and will cost approximately £1000 for the weekend away to attend (summer weekend in expensive area). We will have to take our young toddler to the wedding as they want them to attend for family photos etc. We are not part of the wedding party - my husband is not best man etc, we are guests at the full day though. It will be a very long weekend for the toddler and not particularly enjoyable for them. In laws are useless with them so no support there.

We barely see this brother despite living in the same city as him. Husband does not have a close relationship with him. Him and his future wife make no effort to see our child (have seem them maybe 3 times in 18months and only at other family obligations) and didn't attend their 1st birthday etc despite it being important to us.

This weekend away is barely affordable. We do not have a spare £1000 to attend a wedding for 2 days. I do not feel we should be obligated to go when we are not friends. We would not go to the wedding of someone else that makes so little effort in our lives.

Husband feels we are in a tricky position. He agrees that it's very disappointing the lack of effort they make to see us or our child but that it will cause a lot of family upset if he does not attend. He was initially in agreement we should not go but now feels fearful of the fallout.

AIBU to decide not to attend this wedding for the reasons above.

OP posts:
HollaHolla · 22/03/2026 20:45

Oooh another thought. If the bride and her family are from the wedding destination, would there be any opportunity of staying with friends/family for a couple of nights? I've done it for folks travelling for weddings here. In fact, for my sister's wedding, I ended up with a camp bed in the spare room, for a couple with a child; and then another pal on the sofa!

sunshine244 · 22/03/2026 20:50

I've spent a lot of time on scottish islands. I've never paid anywhere near 200 a night for accomodation. Nor have I paid anywhere near the equivalent of the cost of fly to new York to get there. It's nonsense.

RampantIvy · 22/03/2026 20:55

sunshine244 · 22/03/2026 20:50

I've spent a lot of time on scottish islands. I've never paid anywhere near 200 a night for accomodation. Nor have I paid anywhere near the equivalent of the cost of fly to new York to get there. It's nonsense.

I don't think the OP has said which island it is, so I don't it is possble to guess how much fares and accommodation costs.

Sartre · 22/03/2026 20:59

sunshine244 · 22/03/2026 20:50

I've spent a lot of time on scottish islands. I've never paid anywhere near 200 a night for accomodation. Nor have I paid anywhere near the equivalent of the cost of fly to new York to get there. It's nonsense.

I’d hazard a guess a remote island probably doesn’t have many hotels so they’d most likely have to stay in the wedding party one which will hike the price up accordingly, they always do.

Still stand by it being a selfish thing to do. I completely understand people wanting to get married abroad for cultural reasons or even a better climate but deciding to get married in your home country, just a casual 500 miles away from where you live is nuts.

sunshine244 · 22/03/2026 21:07

I suppose it depends what you class as remote. A lot of people not from Scotland would think islands like Arran, Mull, Skye etc are remote, but they are actually really well connected to public transport and have very varied accomodation options.

The smaller islands can actually sometimes be cheaper than the big popular ones for accommodation. Coll and Tiree were very cheap air bnb when we went recently. Ferries decent too although I've never looked into flights as not needed to. Lots of the islands have cheap glamping type accomodation that would be great fun with a toddler.

FruAashild · 22/03/2026 21:46

I think we need to know which island it is, or at least is it Shetland, Orkney, Outer or Inner Hebrides. £200 a night sounds very expensive for the island I'm familiar with but I know it varies.

Flamingojune · 22/03/2026 22:06

SunnyEgg123 · 22/03/2026 12:45

Hahahaha you can't get a train to a Scottish island. Its an island because its surrounded by water!

Show quote history

I was responding to a poster who talked about driving for 2 day. Some if the journey can be done by train

Dodorogers · 22/03/2026 22:19

SunnyEgg123 · 21/03/2026 23:01

A lot of people making me out to be unreasonable that I don't want to attend the wedding as they didn't attend my baby's birthday. I understand that their 1st birthday is important to very few. This was only used as an example of why I feel it's not that unreasonable to not attend given the lack of effort ever shown by them towards us.

The birthday party was in the same city approximately 15 minutes away from them, was for family and adult friends (not a party full of toddlers as we seen it as our celebration of getting our baby to aged 1) and they didn't make the effort to attend. They now expect us (including the toddler) to attend a wedding 500miles away requiring a full days worth of driving at minimum never mind the costs.

Edited

Absolutely dont go unless you can do a trip somewhere on the way way back to make it bearable travel wise. Your toddler will hate it it will be so stressful. I would make up an excuse. In a very similar situation with my brother and sister in law and it is really shit and it makes me really sad but you have to prioritise your family

OneNewEagle · 22/03/2026 22:31

If it’s in the summer as I assume from your post you find a campsite. Go camping. Whilst doing that attend the ceremony bit of the wedding only then get back to your camping holiday.

that way you spend the £1000 (it should be less if no accommodation) for a weeks holiday in Scotland at a campsite with your toddler. You take standard clothes you already own and wear that.

if not just stay at home with toddler and your DH goes.

He does need to attend a siblings wedding for family dynamics to not worsen.

AnnieLummox · 22/03/2026 23:04

FruAashild · 22/03/2026 19:16

None of DH's family live on the islands and his family are quite international so several people travelled from other countries, including his aunt who travelled from another continent. Of our friends they were spread across the UK so quite a few travelled from the south of England, but some were further north and some of my old school friends lived on the islands. My families guests were mostly in Scotland but not all on the islands (and my brother was on the other side of the world). The evening guests were obviously all islanders (neighbours, work colleagues and friends of my parents).

It would have made no sense to us to have the wedding in England, we both grew up in Scotland and had both only lived in England for a few years.

@SunnyEgg123 has not said that it's a destination wedding, she said it's 500 miles from where she lives which suggests it is the bride's family home where the wedding is. She has also said she doesn't want to spend so much money out of their savings which suggests they can afford it, she just doesn't want to go because she doesn't like her ILs. Family weddings are important and they should make an effort if they don't want a permanent rift. A Scottish island might be a long way to travel (I still have the mental scars from driving up the A9 with 3 small children in the back of the car!) but it will be a child friendly holiday when they are there with lots of beaches, I'd recommend making it their family holiday this year and staying at least a week so they aren't exhausted from the travelling.

Show quote history

It sounds like you might be more than a little bit bitter that people didn’t want to do this for you.

Ewg9 · 22/03/2026 23:07

I feel for you OP, had a similar situation ourselves last summer. BIL got married in europe, husband said it cost us over a grand for flights, parking at airport and car hire, petrol. Not including expensive wedding gift. I economised by wearing a dress i already had, and I borrowed another from my sister for the second day. Husband splashed out on a linen suit. We had to travel with a toddler aswell who did really well but wouldn't sit through the ceremony obviously and was very hungry and bored bless him as the speeches took too long. BIL had 3 best men, but my hubby wasn't one of them, despite them supposedly being close...It was a massive ball ache and very stressful. I agree with other posters that there could be repercussions and heat from your inlaws but it'll be hardwork if you decide to go. Good luck whatever you decide.

AnnieLummox · 22/03/2026 23:07

DisforDarkChocolate · 22/03/2026 19:54

No one finds your children as interesting or as important to them as you.

Ditto for your wedding.

Atsocta · 23/03/2026 00:43

Your husband at least should definitely go , where did you get £1000 wouldn’t cost anywhere near that, premier inn, or travel lodge, even a B&B
Using a birthday is ridiculous and no excuse for not attending a wedding never heard such nonsense…Be lovely put on a pretty dress and just go and enjoy yourself .

CRD67 · 23/03/2026 01:25

SunnyEgg123 · 21/03/2026 21:17

It would seem I am being unreasonable and not going to the wedding is not an option. It will burn a hole in our savings but I guess that will need to be to keep the peace. I just feel it's a massive amount of effort for people that make no effort for us at any time.

No they did not attend our wedding. We eloped and were married in a small intimate ceremony with friends present.

To those that feel my distances cannot possibly be accurate the wedding is on a remote Scottish island (I did not say this as did not feel it was important and didn't want the post to be identifiable) but clearly most people on here feel the UK is much smaller than it actually is and its impossible to travel 500miles. There are no local travelodges and flying is far too expensive in the middle of summer. We will likely have to go for 2-3 days to even make it bearable for the drive. It's very possible to spend £1000 on a weekend away to a remote Scottish location in the middle of summer even doing it cheaply.

I do not expect anyone to look after my toddler at a family wedding and I am perfectly capable of doing so myself, but I don't expect there presence to be requested 'for photos'. I think its unreasonable to expect them to travel so far by car for an adult occasion and someone they do not even know.

Edited

Now you've said it's on a Scottish island I've changed my mind, what an absolute ballache. You're not being unreasonable and I imagine other invitees will think the same and won't attend.

RampantIvy · 23/03/2026 06:09

Atsocta · 23/03/2026 00:43

Your husband at least should definitely go , where did you get £1000 wouldn’t cost anywhere near that, premier inn, or travel lodge, even a B&B
Using a birthday is ridiculous and no excuse for not attending a wedding never heard such nonsense…Be lovely put on a pretty dress and just go and enjoy yourself .

Read the OP's updates. There aren't any premier Inns/cheap accommodation on the remote Scottish island. The cost of fuel for a 1000 mile round trip and taking the car on the ferry will easily be a three figure sum alone.

RampantIvy · 23/03/2026 06:14

OneNewEagle · 22/03/2026 22:31

If it’s in the summer as I assume from your post you find a campsite. Go camping. Whilst doing that attend the ceremony bit of the wedding only then get back to your camping holiday.

that way you spend the £1000 (it should be less if no accommodation) for a weeks holiday in Scotland at a campsite with your toddler. You take standard clothes you already own and wear that.

if not just stay at home with toddler and your DH goes.

He does need to attend a siblings wedding for family dynamics to not worsen.

I don't imagine camping in Scotland in summer is on most people's bucket lists.

Midges are a nightmare.
If the OP doesn't own any camping equipment then that will be a big expense.
I imagine if it was camping or don't go I would rather stay home and so would most people.

WhatNoRaisins · 23/03/2026 06:16

I enjoy going camping but it's the last thing I'd want to combine with getting dressed up for a formal wedding.

August1980 · 23/03/2026 06:56

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 21/03/2026 16:13

It’s your DH’s call surely. Plenty of siblings aren’t all that interested in their younger nieces / nephews particularly when they don’t have children themselves. I don’t see my sibling very often, but I wouldn’t miss something like a wedding.

Edited

this! I am currently abroad (11 hours flight away) from London at my siblings wedding with a 16 month old!!! Arrived a few days earlier got the energy out/got her settled with time difference and the onslaught of attention and am now enjoying the festivities of a wedding…
i don’t see my sister everyday - we only lived together briefly until we both went away to school. And then on to university and then travelled a bit for work. She has no children yet so I don’t expect a fuss (she has set up a playroom in her house for her only niece) and ensured the wedding venue has some baby things (the gardens have outdoor climbing frame) and a swimming pool) dining areas kid friendly
not all families are close none the less you are family so don’t be that person.. I wouldn’t cut of my nose to spite my face you never know how things could pan out in the future. It should be your husbands call if he attends or not.

FruAashild · 23/03/2026 07:30

AnnieLummox · 22/03/2026 23:04

It sounds like you might be more than a little bit bitter that people didn’t want to do this for you.

Show quote history

No, I was answering a question about where the guests lived and saying lots of people did travel very long distances to our wedding. That was decades ago though when people took it for granted that a wedding would be in the bride's childhood home and a 'destination wedding' was unheard of. I have travelled to other countries for weddings when the bride is from that country.

I'm just surprised that so many people on this thread are so critical of the BIL and his fiancée for having a wedding on a Scottish island when all we are hearing is the viewpoint of the OP who clearly doesn't like them. Maybe @SunnyEgg123 could confirm if the wedding is in the bride's childhood home or if the bride and groom have just taken a notion to get married somewhere 'remote' (surely in that case you'd choose somewhere warm rather than somewhere in Scotland). Because that does make a difference to how selfish they are being.

ChapmanFarm · 23/03/2026 07:48

I know the train was laughed at earlier but if your husband did decide to go alone, the Caledonian sleeper a fair chunk of the way there as a seated passenger is one of the cheapest ways to do it. London to Glasgow for example is £59 and you don't need to use as many days annual leave.

Not the comfiest option and not if there are three of you but for a single person it would be okay and it reduces the nights required in hotels. Obviously you still have to get to the ferry but you are arriving first thing. Being a foot passenger is much cheaper than taking a car and a relative might be able to collect him on the island if others are driving.

If you don't want to say which island, can you tell us the destination for the ferry? Oban, mallaig, ullapool, scrabster??

Velvian · 23/03/2026 08:15

You realise that everyone has to make these kind of decisions to attend weddings @SunnyEgg123 . You do have to put yourself out for other people sometimes. It is a bit hypocritical to not bother with the people you would like to bother more with you.

A big family wedding for a sibling is not really one you can back out of, but it might be worth checking whether the couple or DH's parents would contribute to the costs of you attending. If DH wants to go, you would be so unreasonable to put obstacles in his way. He presumably earns enough that he can spend £1k on an important, rare family event.

Flamingojune · 23/03/2026 08:17

ChapmanFarm · 23/03/2026 07:48

I know the train was laughed at earlier but if your husband did decide to go alone, the Caledonian sleeper a fair chunk of the way there as a seated passenger is one of the cheapest ways to do it. London to Glasgow for example is £59 and you don't need to use as many days annual leave.

Not the comfiest option and not if there are three of you but for a single person it would be okay and it reduces the nights required in hotels. Obviously you still have to get to the ferry but you are arriving first thing. Being a foot passenger is much cheaper than taking a car and a relative might be able to collect him on the island if others are driving.

If you don't want to say which island, can you tell us the destination for the ferry? Oban, mallaig, ullapool, scrabster??

Yes Alternatives!

Flamingojune · 23/03/2026 08:18

AnnieLummox · 22/03/2026 23:07

Ditto for your wedding.

Show quote history

I love a wedding

Velvian · 23/03/2026 08:31

I'm wondering @SunnyEgg123 , whether you even invited DH's sibling to your wedding? Not being included in the 12 people, may go some way to explaining why they are not close to you and why DH's parents didn't attend your wedding.

Do you have any siblings, OP?

Alpacajigsaw · 23/03/2026 09:31

ginasevern · 22/03/2026 17:45

Honestly OP, I know your child is the be all and end all to you (rightly so) but a young couple without kids aren't going to be that interested. Three visits in 18 months sounds fair enough. As for the 1st birthday, I don't know anyone who makes a big deal out of that. Maybe invite grandparents but not particularly aunties and uncles unless you are close and they're really invested in your kid. My brother nor my DH's brother came to any of my son's birthday parties and I wouldn't have expected them to. I don't think that's outrageously unusual.

3 months in 18 months when that includes the child being born and live 15 minutes away is pretty crap. I mean surely the point about families and trying to maintain relationships is that you do things you might not always want to or aren’t that interested in. Or is it only the OP that’s expected to do that?