AIBU to distance myself from in-laws after they skipped my mum’s funeral?

[Pinkyroses08]

Basically the title. I am 33 and have recently lost my mum to cancer. I’ve been with my partner for 9 years and although unmarried, we are planning on getting engaged and potentially trying for a family this year… our plans have been derailed the past few years with mums diagnosis. I have know my
inlaws for 9 years and we got on ok as far as I was aware. It was mums funeral a month ago and aside from a text from his dad the day prior, not one of my partners parents or siblings came to support. It’s really taken me aback and I truly don’t think I can ever sustain the same relationship with them. I’m even at the point where I want to remove them from social media and cut them out of my life completely . My partner knows I am upset but I don’t see by him saying anything to them will change how I fundamentally feel. For context they fully knew when and where the funeral was.

I’m so sorry for your loss, but I wouldn’t expect to my in laws to attend my parent’s funeral. It wouldn’t occur to them or me. Did you ask them to come? Otherwise, I think YABU.

I wouldn’t expect my in laws to attend a funeral of one of my parents even though I’ve been married 15 years and together a lot longer, mainly because they don’t really know my parents that well.

Im really sorry for your loss. Gently, people often cant attend funerals and perhaps if they didnt know your mum well they didnt feel it was appropriate. I dont think they have done anything wrong.

So disrespectful. I would be upset too . It would have meant so much and a simple thing for them to do .

So sorry for your loss. Mine don’t come to either my mum or dad’s funerals to be honest, my BiL came but I thought it was a bit odd as he didn’t know my dad - did you explicitly invite them? Are you all local?

I wouldn’t expect my in-laws to be at my parents funeral and I wouldn’t expect my parents to go to my dh’s parents funeral.

I’m so sorry for your loss but also wouldn’t have thought in laws would attend unless very close/ very friendly with your mum

It may be how you feel truly but I think there is a chance your grief may be displaced.

Agree with others - I think that you are being understandably unrealistic about this. Unless your inlaws had a close personal relationship with your mum, they probably thought it was not their place to go to the funeral. It would really not be the norm for inlaws to go just to support.

Please don't do anything hasty as you are clearly upset and recently bereaved and kindly - getting things out of proportion.

Sorry for your loss. They are not your In-Laws, but even if they were, they had no obligation to attend. Your partner's father sent a message of condolence, which I imagine was from the family, rather than just from him.

None of my in-laws came to my dads funeral except my OH of course. I got some nice messages from his sister but that was it. It never even crossed my mind that they would come.

Did they have a close relationship with your mother? If not then they probably felt attending would be intrusive and wanted to give you space to grieve.

I suppose it depends if you were a close family with your parents and in-laws seeing each other often.

I will be quite surprised if my in-laws don’t attend my parents funerals when the time comes, and vice versa - but we quite often host get togethers at our house so my parents and my MIL and GMIL see each other often, like each other, and all get on well. My parents did go to GFIL’s funeral.

Did they at least send you a card, flowers and condolences on the loss of your mum?

How well did they know your mum? I mean unless you and your mum don't really have friends or family beyond your partners friends and family, I would be surprised if your in-laws went to you mum's funeral, unless they had become really close to your mum (not just you).

Unless the two sets of parents were particularly close, I would not expect them to attend just because of the family connection (which is not really a thing as you are not actually married).
My in-laws did not attend my parents funerals and we had been married over 25yrs by that time. They got on well enough when they met at family events but it was not a strong friendship.

Could there be cultural differences at play here. For example I’m Irish, in-laws would attend if at all possible. My Dh is English and I’ve noticed less people come to funerals.

God, Brits are weird about funerals.

I’m so sorry you’ve lost your mum. When my FIL died my dad drove a 7 hour round trip on a rare visit back to the U.K., straight from the airport, to be there for a couple of hours. He’d never met FIL as FIL had been too ill to come to the wedding and they lived very far apart. I thought he was mad when he mentioned he’d come but it was a huge comfort to me and my ex (we were obvs still married at the time) and meant a huge amount at a really crappy time. I can see why you feel so hurt 💐

Are you guys all from the same cultural background? My Irish family would be outraged in this situation and I would feel the same as you, but a lot of English people would not expect to attend a funeral under these circumstances and may even see it as intruding.

Did they know your mum?

was it a work day?

I would have gone but half my family is Irish. I know the English don’t do funerals in the same way.

Were they close?

I wouldn’t expect my in laws to attend my parents’ funerals and I’ve been married for 30 years. Just because she was your mum (and you’re not even ‘in laws’) isn’t reason enough.

I 'm so sorry about your Mum OP.

I think it's pretty unforgivable if they didn't even send you a condolences card. That is the very least they should gave done.

And I would actually have thought out of common decency they would have attended the funeral given the length of time they have known you and that you will be marrying g their son.

I think it would make me wonder about how welcome you will be in the family when you do marry

Mine were very rude and casual when I lost my df and that was one of the final nails in the coffin

Sorry for you loss OP.

But this is not something I would have expected.

I tend to only go to the funerals of close family and friends, which I think is pretty much the norm?

I would also be disappointed OP. But I would understand that there can be a myriad reasons why someone is not able to attend a funeral so I wouldn't hold it against them.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I think its a more thing in Scotland, and maybe Ireland, to attend the funerals of in-laws. For example, both my dad’s sisters were at the funeral of my mum’s mum and more recently my mum’s sister was at the funeral of my dad’s uncle.