AIBU to distance myself from in-laws after they skipped my mum’s funeral?

[Pinkyroses08]

Basically the title. I am 33 and have recently lost my mum to cancer. I’ve been with my partner for 9 years and although unmarried, we are planning on getting engaged and potentially trying for a family this year… our plans have been derailed the past few years with mums diagnosis. I have know my
inlaws for 9 years and we got on ok as far as I was aware. It was mums funeral a month ago and aside from a text from his dad the day prior, not one of my partners parents or siblings came to support. It’s really taken me aback and I truly don’t think I can ever sustain the same relationship with them. I’m even at the point where I want to remove them from social media and cut them out of my life completely . My partner knows I am upset but I don’t see by him saying anything to them will change how I fundamentally feel. For context they fully knew when and where the funeral was.

So if someone really felt they could support someone bereaved and didn't know the deceased, they could in fact go to the funeral without fear of being thrown out by a funeral bouncer then?

Good. I think more people should just go then if they want to. Are invitations sent out like wedding invites or what?

Generally, yes, I have never been at a funeral where anyone was turned away. And no formal invitations, no.

My experience of English funerals isn’t that it’s by “invitation” - more that the details are either made public or not. Eg a relative had a funeral for their stillborn son but did not share the details so only immediate family went - while DH’s colleague who died recently had the funeral details shared on social media so assume anyone was welcome.

Sorry for your loss 💐

I’m not from UK originally but I share the same sentiment - different families do things differently. In my circle people would come if they knew deceased well or if they were asked to come for moral/ practical support e.g to look after small children.
However I would expect your in laws to express condolences the first time they saw you after your mum died. It’s very rude if they didn’t.

You are not being unreasonable in how you are feeling. I am so sorry for your loss. Your inlaws are clearly unsupportive. However, I wouldnt take action such as removing them from social media. When you are grieving you notice who is important and who will support you. Focus on the important people and forget the rest.

Sorry but I think you are vastly overreacting. I don’t see how them being there would have "supported" you, assuming there were plenty of other people there. Some people think it’s rude and intrusive to go to funerals of people they didn’t know very well - perhaps DP's parents felt that way.

I appreciate that you’re probably feeling very emotional at the moment, but cutting off your future in-laws, your future DC's grandparents, because of this would imo be a huge mistake and very unkind to your DP. You would be putting yourself in the wrong.

My MIL has just passed and we are waiting on the date for the funeral.

whilst I will of course go there’s absolutely no expectation that my parents or siblings will attend.

sorry for your loss but I think you are brining unrealistic

That sounds very normal, and not what I was reading into the general tone of some of the posts. Although I am guessing that it is still an "only if you knew the deceased" type of thing for attendance in general.

Private funerals are not unusual. There are direct cremations, and family only. I get that, but in general the culture is stay away unless you knew the deceased well, or someone in the family tells you the arrangements. So it seems to me.

If either of my two DILs lost their mums, I would ask my sons whether they would want me to attend to show my respects.

OP's PILs sound as though they have been quite cold and unsympathetic. They don't seem to have sent a card or any flowers. I can see why she is upset.

I find that strange . It wouldn’t occur to me to attend the funeral of a work colleague’s relation. Are you good friends, known each other a long time?

Yes nobody is turned away unless you’ve been told you are not invited and that’s normally nice family trying to get you away before the person who said you cannot come spots you and well then who knows what’s going down.

I think in general we see them as honouring the dead person themselves rather than supporting the grieving.

I absolutely cannot believe people are saying that would not expect their in laws to attend!?!? Have we lost so much sense of community that it isnt expected?

Its such a massive deal, I'd be completely heartbroken by that behaviour.

Similarly I'd be there for my friends if their parents died, or a friend if their partner died, even if I didnt know them.

I would do the same in your situation @Pinkyroses08

My mil never came to my mum or dads funeral, no card or flowers either. I found it upsetting and disrespectful. I am now mostly nc with her.

I would have been disappointed too, OP. IMO people attend funerals to support the bereaved, rather than because they knew the deceased well. Of course it could have been difficult for some of them to take time off work to attend but I would certainly have expected condolence cards.

I have been to many funerals, plenty to support friends who've lost someone they loved. I have literally never heard of being 'invited' to a funeral.

My parents didn’t go to my In laws funeral, why would they. It’s different if they know them well but apart from that I wouldn’t expect it.

I've been married twice (over the course of 50 years) and have lost a parent during each marriage. Neither set of in laws attended the respective funerals and I wouldn't have expected them to. They didn't really know one another apart from meeting on the odd occasion.

It would never have occurred to for my in laws to come to my parents funeral

unless they were Irish, my Irish relatives always go !

My in laws didn’t go to my parent’s funeral - we’ve been together 30 ish years. I think they met each other twice in that time. I certainly didn’t expect them to - it would have been odd.

I wouldn’t expect them to come. Wouldn’t occur to me they would. I’m sorry for your loss op.

I am clearly in the minority, as are most of my friends and family because IL's absolutely come to funerals. Not because they knew the deceased (although they often do) but as a sign of support/respect for the family.

Laughing at the nonsense here. Of course they should have gone. Funerals are as much about the living as the dead and it would be unforgivable not to attend in Ireland. They should have gone to support their dil. Invitations for funerals🤣. Madness

I wouldn't expect it either OP sorry, sorry for your loss. Having said that, I've been to funerals of friends parents etc, just to support them and friends came to my dad's funeral but I wouldn't have been angry or offended if they hadn't.

My in-laws came to both my parents' funerals. As for my sister's in-laws, well I couldn't count how many of them came. Both PIL as well as all the siblings in-law and their partners. I was very touched.

Agree with others, you come to support the grieving. The show of respect means a great deal.

The older I get the more I appreciate certain traditions. I'm glad it's the norm.

Well, until I read this thread of course.

Duplicate post.