AIBU to distance myself from in-laws after they skipped my mum’s funeral?

[Pinkyroses08]

Basically the title. I am 33 and have recently lost my mum to cancer. I’ve been with my partner for 9 years and although unmarried, we are planning on getting engaged and potentially trying for a family this year… our plans have been derailed the past few years with mums diagnosis. I have know my
inlaws for 9 years and we got on ok as far as I was aware. It was mums funeral a month ago and aside from a text from his dad the day prior, not one of my partners parents or siblings came to support. It’s really taken me aback and I truly don’t think I can ever sustain the same relationship with them. I’m even at the point where I want to remove them from social media and cut them out of my life completely . My partner knows I am upset but I don’t see by him saying anything to them will change how I fundamentally feel. For context they fully knew when and where the funeral was.

Sorry about the loss of your mum op, I’d be heartbroken 💔 I lost my dad last year, aged 32 and my in laws didn’t attend. I got a text from them both on the day but that was the extent. I wouldn’t expect it normal to attend unless they had a friendship type relationship with your mum?! As they would expect your partner to support you on the day as he did. Not sure realistically how different you would have felt in turns of support if they were there? But we are all different. Sending love x

I think it’s cultural. My parents came to
my BILs funeral (he was young and it was a tragic death) but in laws didn’t come to my grandmothers funeral- not even to one of the shiva nights which in our culture is expected. But when DHs grandma died MIL said immediate blood relations only!

The only other exception I can think of is struggling to take time off work or childcare issues. I’ve been in that situation and sent profuse apologies and a condolence card.

I’m sorry for your loss.

I would be really upset! 9 years together. I was at a funeral this week, a work friends mum, I had never met her mum. It’s basic manners.

I think there’s different family approaches to funerals and different family dynamics so I can’t really say what’s “right” but my feeling is you’re being unfair to in laws. I can only think of my own in-laws - 22 years of marriage and I’ve known them since I was 17 years old. I wouldn’t expect them to come to either of my parents funerals. Dm might go to in laws but she’s from a family where etiquette was important so that would be her reasoning - it’s the thing to do. Personally I wouldn’t want people feeling obligated turning up.

I’m sorry for your loss OP. Culturally, my family are very similar to the Irish with regards to funerals, however my in-laws are different. They would not have dreamt of coming to my father’s funeral however they did send a card as did both of my SIL which I was very appreciative of.

I think it’s one thing to not attend the funeral, I understand that different cultures have different customs. However to not send a card, or to not text or call to send their condolences and see how you are is rather cold. I can understand your feelings of disappointment and sadness.

For what it’s worth, I would not take this as a reflection on how they feel about you. Some people struggle with what to say to the bereaved and worry that they will offend. If they are generally good people I would look past this. Once again, I am so sorry for your loss, losing a loving parent is so hard.

Did you or your DH tell them that you would like them to attend? It isn't necessarily an expectation, depending on the context. It would certainly not have occurred to me that my parents should attend my ILs funerals or vice versa. Admittedly they lived a long distance away from each other, but even if they lived closer, they wouldn't attend unless they were a regular part of each other's lives.

Deeply sorry for your loss 💐

My MIL didn't come to my Dad's funeral and my DM didn't come to MILs....didn't cross my mind that this was strange or rude

My ILs didn’t come to my dad’s funeral because it was the opposite end of the country to where they live. They sent cards to both my mum and me. I think if it had been closer they’d have tried to make it but it’s a full day of travel between my family home and my ILs (and conveniently we live near neither!).

If we were all local and they just didn’t bother, I’d be pretty hurt.

It’s such a cultural thing. I am in Ireland and you turn up to a funeral to show respect and support to the family. People note who goes and who doesn’t.

i manage a large team and always do my best to turn up for funerals of their immediate family members (spouses and parents). At a recent funeral of a colleagues wife there was about 15 people from work.

I am shocked that your in laws didn’t go to the funeral

I have Irish family, and I think Irish traditions around funerals are very different to English ones. I remember being amazed as a teenager that my uncle's boss had flown over to the UK from Dublin for my grandmother's funeral.

Cultural expectations around this vary so much. One of my colleagues was profusely apologetic about not attending my mum's funeral, explaining that he had tried and failed to find out the details. He had never met my mum and it hadn't occurred to me that any of my colleagues should attend, but he obviously felt dreadful because, in his culture, he should have been there to support me.

It's clear from this thread that people have very different views about what's appropriate or expected, so I hope that the OP won't take the absence of her in-laws as an intentional slight.

I don't get this attitude.

You are at funerals to support the grieving just as much as saying goodbye to the departed - especially if it is someone your son has been with for NINE YEARS!!

@Pinkyroses08 YANBU, how selfish they couldn't spare an hour to support you

Were they invited ? Did they feel they should attend or not ? They might be horrified to learn you feel the way you do. Or unsure at the time if they would be intruding.
You are taking it as a personal slight. I doubt it was intended this way.

So sorry for your loss . But I wouldnt expect my in-laws to attend my parents funeral and vice versa . We've been together 15 years , married 1 . Parents and in laws have all met etc but this wouldn't cross my mind.

It really isn’t. I’d not dream of attending the funeral of someone I’d never met. And I’d absolutely hate it if a random colleague of mine attended my mum’s funeral. You need to acknowledge differing perspectives.

Ok, who made you the thread police? JFC!

Sorry for your loss op ❤️ we lost my mum to cancer 10 years ago.
I’d known my in-laws 11 years at that point, we were married and had a child. My Pil had met my mum probably 5 or 6 times over the years, they got on fine but were only acquaintances through dh and I. Pil both came to the funeral, tbh it would have been easier if they would have had my son but they seemed offended that they would miss it. Fil is Irish though, funerals are a big part of his culture. They live 30min away, fil is retired and mil is self employed so coming was straightforward for them.
Sil and bil live a similar distance had a toddler at the time and both work ft. They had met my mum maybe 3 times. They didn’t come and I didn’t think anything of it. I doubt I’d go to bils parents funerals and I’ve met them several times over the years. Sil did message though which was nice.
I think it comes down to did they have a relationship with your mum? Could they have attended relatively easily? I wouldn’t have been offended if Pil hadn’t come as they didn’t really know my mum but it was nice they did. Did you give them the details/ask them to come?
I do agree they should have rang or messaged.

I would add, my in-laws didn't come to my mum's funeral because it would have been impossible to even get UK visas (although culturally, they would definitely have expected to attend).

My dsis's in-laws are in the UK but not local to my parents. They didn't attend but they did send a card. I don't think any of us were bothered by them not attending.

I'm curious now not being English or of the "invite only" funeral tradition either.....

Is there someone at the door of the church/crem etc. to frown upon and turn away those whom the deceased did not know well? Would there be a scene if someone turned up to support a colleague/friend whose parent had died for example?

Who polices these things?

All sounds very Puritan to me, but that's probably historic, and is definitely cultural.

Am also curious if there are other societies out there where attendance at a funeral is by invite only.

OP I am sorry for your loss. I understand having read some of the posts that their non attendance may have been because it's "not the done thing" if they didn't know your parent well. However if they failed to send any sort of condolence, well that is very bad form and I can see how you are very upset by it.

Im sorry for your loss but as others have said unless they were close to your mum it wouldn't have occurred to them to attend, even to support you, did you invite them or vocalise you wanting them there?

Firstly, I'm so sorry you lost your Mum - to watch her suffer with cancer must have been really tough. You will need support from all those around you to get through the next part of your life and to come to terms with what's happened. Grief doesn't just end at the funeral.
I understand what you mean about being upset with your in-laws, I would be too. My parents and my brother and sister-in-law went to my mother-in-law's funeral to support my husband, though they didn't get on with or know her all that well. Similarly, I went with my parents and husband to my sister-in-law's dad's funeral last week. It was the right and respectful thing to do, to show support and love to our family member and to pay our respects to her father. It never occurred to any of us not to do this.
You're completely justified to feel as you do.

No one turns anyone away from a funeral (unless theres some serious reason a person shouldn't be there) but people dont tend to turn up to funerals unless theyve been invited

With my exes family there was no scene made, but they definitely formed the opinion that my Nana (who brought me up so was basically my mum) was very odd for attending a funeral on their side. My ex felt it was bordering on controlling or attention seeking to attend because it meant people were talking about that rather than the funeral.

that was totally alien to me as I grew up attending all sorts of funerals and thankfully my Nana never knew (we split up very shortly after, not because of that) because she’d have been mortified to done wrong in their eyes.

Generally though if you’re from an area where attending wider funerals isn’t the sone thing it just wouldn’t occur to you to go so no policing of invitations or the doors is required.

I am English but the invite only concept is alien to me - maybe because of my Irish roots, who knows. In my experience, nobody polices these things in practice, and at most funerals, anyone who turns up is welcome. I was actually very grateful to those who made the effort to come to my mum's.

Very occasionally, people let it be known that the funeral is for close family/friends only, and I would obviously respect that. Otherwise I would generally make an effort to attend.

I think English people are very uncomfortable with the idea of death in general. Many prefer not to acknowledge it more than they have to. I don't personally think that's particularly helpful but it is what it is.

I don’t agree with many of these responses. Attending the funeral of a parent of a close family member is about showing respect and caring for the grieving relative.

I recently attended the funeral of a colleague’s mother whom I’d only met once. Six of my colleagues also attended - not because we knew her mother but to support our grieving friend. I know it was appreciated.