AIBU to distance myself from in-laws after they skipped my mum’s funeral?

[Pinkyroses08]

Basically the title. I am 33 and have recently lost my mum to cancer. I’ve been with my partner for 9 years and although unmarried, we are planning on getting engaged and potentially trying for a family this year… our plans have been derailed the past few years with mums diagnosis. I have know my
inlaws for 9 years and we got on ok as far as I was aware. It was mums funeral a month ago and aside from a text from his dad the day prior, not one of my partners parents or siblings came to support. It’s really taken me aback and I truly don’t think I can ever sustain the same relationship with them. I’m even at the point where I want to remove them from social media and cut them out of my life completely . My partner knows I am upset but I don’t see by him saying anything to them will change how I fundamentally feel. For context they fully knew when and where the funeral was.

I guess it depends on the relationship you have with them and they with your parents. Are they local? Do they still work?

They did send condolences.

For reference my mum died last year, and I wouldn't have dreamt that any of my husband's family attend, and I've been married over 20 years.

In the past my grandmother did attend my other grandmother's funeral - but they were friends themselves and were both local so they saw each other regularly.

In fact it wouldn’t even cross my mind that people would be keeping track of who came and who didn’t in that respect.

Sitting there burying a loved one fuming that Susan didn’t come to the funeral. That’s mind boggling to me.

I agree, I even asked my mil if she would come, she said no I hardly knew her. Not forgotten that and am now mostly nc.

I'd be upset at this. It's not about how well they knew your Mum - they should go to show their support to you

There's nothing wrong in you being upset but I certainly wouldn't expect a partners parents to go to the other partners parents funeral unless they socialised frequently.

When my DH's mother died my parents never came to the funeral and it wasn't expected of them either.

At my grandmother’s removal, people signed a book as they came in- fortunately it’s a long time since I’ve been to an Irish funeral so I don’t know if that’s still a feature

I don't think you're being unreasonable in the slightest. But I also have a different cultural background to probably most in this thread.

Myself and my family would always attend funerals like this. Hell, I went to my child's grandparents funeral. I'd been split from my ex for 20 years. It's the polite and respectful thing to do.

@maggiemuff "I was at a funeral this week, a work friends mum, I had never met her mum. It’s basic manners."

I wouldn't say it was basic manners. By that token absolutely anyone who knew your work friend would be obliged to attend the funeral. But if you are really good friends with this work colleague and she'd indicated that she'd like your support, then yes of course. Are you in Ireland by any chance because I believe that people turn up to friends of friends of friend's funerals there! Not knocking it but in England it's viewed as a little bit odd, although not outrageous!

I honestly do think it was wrong of them not to attend. If not because they knew your mum well but to show you support.
I’ve literally attended funerals where I have had to go in my lunch time. They didn’t even have to go to the whole thing!

I was with my dh for 14 years when my mum died , they never attended her funeral .
However tbh it was 150 miles away so I didn't really expect them to .

Maybe as their DC isn't married they don't think of themselves as IL's to OPer.

In England usually it is about showing respect to the deceased rather than their family. You show respect/support to the family with condolence cards, flowers etc.

I was going to say the same thing. I did a 7 hour return in one day to go to my SIL's mam's funeral, it just never occurred to me to not go.

See again I’ve only ever seen a guest book at weddings never a funeral.

Not quite the same writing lovely day in a funeral book as it is a wedding 😅

Agree completely. I have so much appreciation for those that attended my Mum's funeral, including my in-laws, and their love and support meant a huge amount to me at a really difficult time. But I understand people have commitments and challenges in their own lives and can't always manage everything. There were people who couldn't make it for a whole range of reasons, some of which they shared and some they didn't. I'm sure there were some who simply didn't want to, for whatever reason. If someone is kind and caring in everyday life, why would you write them off over one day?

I’m torn. I wouldn’t have expected pil/my parents to attend the other parents’ funerals, distance was huge and they didn’t really know each other. Had they been physically close, I might have expected it, I don’t know.

I’m really sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is bloody awful, ime.

In wales it is the norm for in-laws to attend too. I was surprised by all the responses so far. But now you have said this, it makes more sense as maybe there are regional differences.

My mothes sister attended my dad's parents funeral, even though she didn't know them and likes to keep herself to herself. People attend to show support of the people they do know who is experiencing loss to show their respect. Same with friends' parents. Even if not all go, they will agree 1 family member to attend to represent them all

As pp have asked, is there a culture difference?

I'm English living in Ireland. My Irish in laws attended my DFs funeral. It's more to show respect and support than how well they knew him.

My English parents and sister attended MILs funeral too. Growing up in England, this felt awkward for them, but is a social norm here so they attended.

Sorry for your loss.

I would want to be there for my future DIL, even in the background.
Losing your mother, especially one who you loved, caring for her illness is huge, not something to avoided.
I am sorry for your loss. It’s a hard thing to process. 💐

My in-laws came to both my parents funerals, my DM died suddenly when I was 36, her funeral was a blur but I remember my MIL saying- “ oh I wasn't the favourite Grandma-that was your Mum” I can't remember the context of why she said that, but it’s a typical crass comment from her
When my DF died, it was December and it had snowed -my FIL said at a Christmas get together a few days later-“I got this cold from that cold funeral , the church was cold” I had my back to him and I turned around and stared at him in disbelief , one of my nieces looked embarrassed
I don't see my MIL now, haven't done for years, I don't believe in being around people that stress you out
Give yourself time to grieve and put yourself first, life has changed for you, you have to find a way to live in a different world 💐

Do they work OP? People can't get time off from some jobs unless it's the funeral of a very close relative to themselves.
I would expect them to offer condolances, when I next saw them, and to enquire how it went.

Together 35 years married 26, my parents knew in laws reasonably well, met up about once a year for a meal. My DDad didn’t go to to FILs funeral as he was ill, but did call MIL to offer his condolences. MIL didn’t go to my DDads funeral a short time and I wouldn’t have expected her to.
To be honest she wouldn’t have known many people apart from me me & DH and I wouldn’t really want to spend the day worrying about her (or have DH distracted by looking after her when I needed him).

I’m so sorry for your loss. In my culture, in-laws would attend the funeral, so I completely understand how you feel- I would feel the same way.

I didn't even get a message off my in laws when my step dad died. I've been with my husband for over 20 years.

I have felt differently about them all since.

I’m fairly astonished by most of the above. Maybe because I’m of Scottish/ Irish heritage.

All my friends and acquaintances in-laws and often SILs and BILs attended their relative’s partners parents funeral. Even where they didn’t know them well, it is a fairly standard in my experience expression of support to the partner.

However, perhaps the above should reassure you that cultural norms differ and they may have meant no harm or disregard. It’s also the case that some workplaces will not regard attendance at funerals other than immediate nuclear family as allowable absence. Be wary of letting your understandable grief distort what may not have been intended as an insult.

Sincere condolences on your loss.