AIBU to distance myself from in-laws after they skipped my mum’s funeral?

[Pinkyroses08]

Basically the title. I am 33 and have recently lost my mum to cancer. I’ve been with my partner for 9 years and although unmarried, we are planning on getting engaged and potentially trying for a family this year… our plans have been derailed the past few years with mums diagnosis. I have know my
inlaws for 9 years and we got on ok as far as I was aware. It was mums funeral a month ago and aside from a text from his dad the day prior, not one of my partners parents or siblings came to support. It’s really taken me aback and I truly don’t think I can ever sustain the same relationship with them. I’m even at the point where I want to remove them from social media and cut them out of my life completely . My partner knows I am upset but I don’t see by him saying anything to them will change how I fundamentally feel. For context they fully knew when and where the funeral was.

Some of us (myself included) seem to have hit a raw nerve and made some people very defensive. The backlash from other Irish people only proves my point. The Fighting Irish is not a myth.
Going back to the OP's question: Let's agree to differ. My opinion (respectfully and accepting your truth is your truth) is YABU. You have no right to expect anyone to attend a funeral if they don't want to (for any reason which they may or may not want to share with you). Live and let live.

No I haven’t. One side of my family don’t get along but funerals are just them being cold with each others. I have never seen a row and certainly not seen “a widow being elbowed” or somebody searching for a Will. Of course I have only been deeply involved with family funerals and nobody in my DHs family or my own would behave like that.

Some of us (myself included) seem to have hit a raw nerve and made some people very defensive. The backlash from other Irish people only proves my point. The Fighting Irish is not a myth.

I think it’s normal to be quite dismayed when people propagate ugly stereotypes about your country.
Most especially when any attempt to point out that fighting is not a typical Irish funeral experience — as several posters have done now — just leads to baseless accusations about those posters being abusers themselves!
Madness.

Stereotypes hurt because they're based on truth. But you keep believing YOUR truth. Peace.

I never like that ‘your truth’ stuff tbh.
The truth will do 😁

I feel like this thread proves that it likely isn't anything personal and them not attending is not a statement. It just isn't the norm for them to attend.

Exactly. A point that many posters fail to understand.

I’d be offended too OP.

But the OP can still feel hurt by their action.

Firstly, I'm truly sorry for your loss. Secondly, how well did they know your mum? I don't think it's generally expected that in-laws attend the funeral of their child's partner's parents. My parents didn't attend my MIL funeral, and my husband's family didn't attend my mum's funeral. If they were quite close though, and knew each other well, then that's different.

I don't how old your in-laws are, but if they both work it may not have been easy for them to get the time off work. I'm sure they meant no ill will towards you. I think perhaps, in your grief, you're reading more into this than is actually there. If you have had a previously good relationship with them it would be a shame to let this drive a wedge between you.

In all kindness OP, have you considered having some bereavement counselling? Losing your mum at a young age must have been devastating for you and counselling could be a huge help while you're navigating a future without her. I'm hoping you can find a way to forgive your in-laws, as much for your sake than theirs.

Of course she can feel hurt. She is also entitled to go no contact with them because of this. But I do feel like when about 50% of the people commenting are saying that they think what in laws are doing is normal, it is worth reflecting that they might not have done this out of spite before making the drastic decision of cutting them out of her (and potentially her husbands and future family's) life.

You don’t invite people, people who want to come turn up… BUT if there’s someone who didn’t know the deceased but you want them there for support.. id imagine you’d call them or text them and say ‘X’s funeral is on X day at X time… please come as I need your support.

I think that varies by location and culture too. I’m Irish and you wouldn’t typically phone people like ILs to come, they’d know themselves to be there if at all possible. They wouldn’t need to have known the deceased well.

I think if you feel hurt and your mum meant a lot to you and they don’t live abroad , they could have made more of an effort . Do they get along with you ? Are they accepting of your relationship ? So many factors but by Irish standards , partners parents ( if not too old/ infirm ) and partners siblings ( does he have any) would be expected at funeral

does not happen in Ireland at all. they would just come.

Really surprised at the responses. I agree with you that in laws would attend regardless of how well they knew your parents (if the bereaved wanted them there.)

Not attending because they are inlaws doesn't mean they don't care. I think they feel that it isn't expected of them or that they might be gatecrashing the OP's grief.

Please try to understand this.

This. I get on very well with my inlaws, they've got on fine with my family at events but I'd neither expect or want them at my parents funerals.

I understand we're all different and if other's ils go fine but people need to understand it is not rude not to.

Good on you! I’m offended on your behalf. I don’t understand how people (let alone in-laws) can be that distrustful. I bet they’d jump at a wedding invite.

Noone would need to do this in Ireland, if they know you at all well, they'll be there, and if they can't, they'll phone you to apologize and explain why they can't come.