AIBU to distance myself from in-laws after they skipped my mum’s funeral?

[Pinkyroses08]

Basically the title. I am 33 and have recently lost my mum to cancer. I’ve been with my partner for 9 years and although unmarried, we are planning on getting engaged and potentially trying for a family this year… our plans have been derailed the past few years with mums diagnosis. I have know my
inlaws for 9 years and we got on ok as far as I was aware. It was mums funeral a month ago and aside from a text from his dad the day prior, not one of my partners parents or siblings came to support. It’s really taken me aback and I truly don’t think I can ever sustain the same relationship with them. I’m even at the point where I want to remove them from social media and cut them out of my life completely . My partner knows I am upset but I don’t see by him saying anything to them will change how I fundamentally feel. For context they fully knew when and where the funeral was.

Did you tell them you wanted them there? I see funerals as intimate events for people with very close relationships with the deceased. I wouldn’t attend the funeral of someone I didn’t love wholeheartedly unless someone let me know specifically that they wanted my support.

Sorry for your loss OP. I’m another who wouldn’t expect in-laws to come to a parent’s funeral. I suppose it depends on their relationship though. I assume they weren’t close?

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP.

Maybe your in-laws didn't know that you wanted them there - people have very different views about who should go to funerals. Personally, I tend to err on the side of going along to show respect and care for the surviving family, but I think some people feel it is intrusive to go if you were not close to the deceased.

You obviously know your partner's family best, but I wouldn't rush to the judgement that they are showing a lack of care. It may simply be a case of mismatched expectations.

I wish you peace as you get through this difficult period.

Could the people saying 'they're not your in-laws" just stop being arseholes for 5 minutes?

I'm not surprised you're upset OP. I would have been there to be supportive, or would at least have offered to do so. Sorry for your loss.

I'm really sorry that you've lost your mum OP.

Were your in-laws close to your mum? I wouldn't expect my parents to attend the funeral of one of my in-laws or vice versa tbh. They don't see each other very often.

Sometimes people aren't sure what's the right thing to do when someone dies. I'm going to a friend's dad's funeral next week - I knew him well - but another friend was worried about whether it was appropriate.

I do think age plays a part here too and distance. Travelling a long way can be a much bigger deal for older people than you might realise.

Do look after yourself and perhaps leave things a little while. You're grieving, so focus on yourself right now.

I'm so sorry about your Mum, OP.

My MIL attended my Mother's funeral (although honestly I would probably have preferred she didn't, I found it quite intrusive as we have a strained relationship). No question of my FIL attending, we have no relationship and he didn't remotely acknowledge that she'd died.

This will all be feeling extremely raw. Take some time to just to allow yourself to process a bit.

I wouldn’t expect my in-laws to attend my parents funeral

No idea why you would expect in-laws at your Mother’s funeral.

Sorry for your loss.

I think that’s awful of them. My GPs on one side came to my GPs on the other side’s funerals. Surely it’s just what you do?

I've been to far too many funerals in England. Not once have they been invitation only. The funeral is posted or people ask when it is and anyone can attend.

Not sure where all this 'we do funerals better in Ireland and Scotland' stuff is coming from.

Anyway, I think your grief is probably playing a part in how you feel, OP. Don't fall out with your inlaws over this. Sorry for your loss.

I would have attended out of respect and to show support for you op. I know they are not technically your pil's but it does not matter if they were close or not. Its about support.

I attended the funeral of my son in laws young brother who I did not know very well. I wanted to be there for him in such awful circumstances. His family thanked us for attending. I would also feel let down op. Hope you are okay.

I get it OP. My parents came to my MILs funeral and I’m sure she would have done in the reverse situation.

however, people are different. It could be a cultural difference, it could be a misunderstanding, it could be inability to get time off, it could be they were waiting for a formal invite. Or any number of other reasons.

i understand how this must hurt you. But try not to think badly of them as it is unlikely to have happened out of indifference.

It’s such a short time since your mum’s passing, I hope you are feeling loved and supported by your partner and others around you.

No, there is no single approach, accepted by the whole population!

Doing something differently from the way you do something doesn't make the other person "awful"

I'd be upset by this also.My in laws didn't come to my parent's funeral but they live in a different country.I know they would have if we were in the same country.We're all from a Catholic background.
I had a brother in law and his partner who to this day have never acknowledged the sudden passing of my parent.I don't speak to them anymore.

True, but I can’t imagine not going. I suppose it depends on your family.

purely from a totally personal point of view

If you are not in my life in any meaningful way within my last year of life, I really do not want performative grief from sally who knew me when we were neighbours, 25 years ago.

Nor from the parents of my childrens' partners whom I only met at the wedding and had zero interaction thereafter.

Funerals, purely in my opinion, again, are to celebrate/honour the life of the deceased.

They are not for supporting the bereaved, they have their own significant others in their lives, it's not for some ghoulish attendees, "for show, nor "tradition"

Can I just re-iterate, this is purely my opinion and do expect that many feel completely differently. And that is ok too, ofc.

You can frame it as ‘ the thing to do’, or an intrusion. I’d be in the latter camp. My parents died recently and we wanted only invited attendees at their funerals.

I would definitely expect my in laws to attend my parents funeral!!! I am shocked so many wouldn’t. I would make an exception if they lived far away though. But if you all live in the same area I can see why you’d find it unforgivable and I would too.

im so sorry for your loss 💗💗💗

do funerals have different etiquette in different parts of UK? Good friend of mine lost her father here in South East and I figured out I needed to be invited to it.. in the end it was family affair. Maybe they thought they too needed an invite?
I wouldn’t know .. I am Irish so you’re buried within 72 hours and all n sundry come along for sandwiches!!

I feel like I might be missing some cultural nuance here. I’m Irish and it would be inexcusable not to attend your Mums funeral as an in-law. Going from other replies this expectation seems dependent on your own traditions.

In my head it doesn’t matter if they knew your Mum or not, the funeral is to show support for the bereaved.

So sorry about your mum. Just sit on this one for a while, things will still feel very raw.

It wouldn’t occur to me that I was invited or expected to attend to my DILs DMs funeral .

Sorry for your loss.

Neither of my parents or my siblings attended my MIL or FIL's funerals and I wouldn't have expected them to. They had met each other but weren't friends. My DH wasn't bothered and didn't expect them to attend.

To add to my post above,I think grief can be quite revealing in terms of who shows up ,who messages with condolences and who offers support.I imagine this is the kernel of what's bothering you and it's not unreasonable at all.

Exactly!

People are quick to make judgement (as you did), rather than explore the possibility of different perspectives.

My in laws didn't come to my mums funeral but I wouldn't have expected them to. They'd only met twice, maybe different if they actually knew each other.