AIBU to distance myself from in-laws after they skipped my mum’s funeral?

[Pinkyroses08]

Basically the title. I am 33 and have recently lost my mum to cancer. I’ve been with my partner for 9 years and although unmarried, we are planning on getting engaged and potentially trying for a family this year… our plans have been derailed the past few years with mums diagnosis. I have know my
inlaws for 9 years and we got on ok as far as I was aware. It was mums funeral a month ago and aside from a text from his dad the day prior, not one of my partners parents or siblings came to support. It’s really taken me aback and I truly don’t think I can ever sustain the same relationship with them. I’m even at the point where I want to remove them from social media and cut them out of my life completely . My partner knows I am upset but I don’t see by him saying anything to them will change how I fundamentally feel. For context they fully knew when and where the funeral was.

Is there a chance this is just a difference in how your family and his do funerals?

in my family, and DH’s, the in laws would have gone to support their DIL. MIL went to the church service for our neighbours mum last week, as did our other neighbour. That’s just the done thing round here.

in my exes family they only attend funerals when they know the deceased themselves. Thats the way round where they’re from. At his Granny’s funeral they were bewildered by the fact my Nana (who brought me up) came to the service.

So before you cut them off make sure it’s not just a difference in doing things rather than a snub.

If you or your DP asked them and they agreed to come but didn't show up, then that's bad form I agree. However if you just hoped they'd come and no one said anything to them about attending the funeral, then I don't think that's unusual for them to not come. I like my in-laws and have been married 20+ years but there was no expectation for them to come to my dad's funeral and it was never mentioned on either side. They passed their condolences to me through my DH but honestly I didn't want people talking to me about it much as it was upsetting and it's good that they didn't intrude tbh.

I think unless you're clear/direct about what you want then people err on the side of respecting your grief and minding their own rather than risk upsetting you. Some people will send cards, if that's their thing, but any message out of the blue can be too much for some people who are grieving. One kind friend sent a gift thinking it'd be comforting but it really wasn't, so there's no right way to do it.

Generally us Brits* - assuming you are one - don't do bereavement very well, so I wouldn't take this to heart if you otherwise get on with them.

Don't push people away after a loss, that feels like the wrong thing to take from it. I'm sorry about your mum and hope you can work through this. I found grief can come out in odd ways and make you more closed off if you're not careful.

*Edited to add: English, as other Brits tend to be better with these things overall.

You are not unreasonable OP.

Though I fully expected people to tell you you were. This site does not do grief well at all. I think it’s a reflection of society in general though probably. We are largely all expected to live in our own self contained little bubbles and not need support.

I have had some very odd responses to posts about coping with the death of my daughter 4 months ago (along with some lovely ones too).

I really feel for you. You are very young to have lost your mum. I was 54 when mine died. The pain was awful. Only surpassed by the loss of my daughter last year. You will feel better in time. But it will take a long time and I don’t blame you for feeling hurt at your prospective in laws dismissive attitude. All that said, I’d advise against cutting them off or blocking them. You have potentially a long road ahead with them and you have suffered enough pain to make it worthwhile trying to keep relations as easy as possible.

I really wish you well.

I’m actually very surprised by these responses. I would be incredibly upset by this too, not just the non-attendance (although that’s really bad imo!) but by the fact they barely acknowledged the funeral at all. Messages from more than one person to show they were actually thinking about you would be the bare minimum. I’d be very hurt.
I cannot imagine my in laws not attending one of my parents funerals. People have said that maybe they were t close but the funeral isn’t so much about the dead as it is the people left behind.

In what respect @ThreadneedleRoad ?

As someone who lives in Ireland, it’s all very strange. You don’t go to a funeral only if you know the person who died, you go to gather round those who are grieving. It’s part of being a loving and supportive community.
OP I am sorry for your loss and 100% your in-laws to be should have gone, to support you and show their son you are importance to them.

Are they English? If so people usually only attend funerals if they know the person who died quite well.

Neither set of my grandparents attended funerals on the other side of the family - they got on fine on the limited occasions they met each other, but there was no real relationship to speak of.

I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm not saying your expectations are wrong, but I don’t think they're universal.

Same in Scorland.

Surely it depends on their relationship, and what type of people they are. If they are generally nice people maybe they didn’t want to intrude, maybe they didn't know your mum. Maybe they are arseholes. Maybe it’s misplaced grief.

I think that is nice but not the tradition in England.

Agree this may be cultural. I’m Scottish, and cannot imagine a situation where my in-laws failed to attend my parents funeral. My parents travelled down (south of England) to FIL’s funeral.

Regardless of their relationship with your mum, I would have expected them to show up to demonstrate their support for you, and your OH.

That said, I’ve also noticed that funerals are generally smaller here, so it’s probable that they didn’t mean to be offensive.

I hear what you are saying @siucra and as I am in Scotland the situation is sort of half way between what happens in Ireland and what happens in England.

But I think it's unfair to say they "should have gone to support you" if this is not their culture. In YOUR Irish culture it would be expected and in theirs it perhaps isn't. Neither is right, neither is wrong. It's just different.

Judge them by the last 9 years not one day. Thats not to say you aren’t entitled to be upset but sometimes people deal
with situations differently.

In parts of England… it’s absolutely the same where I’m from in the very north of England.

My parents attended my FILs funeral , and in turn, my MIL & my SIL attended those of my dad , and mum. They knew each other, though not especially well, but they came to support me.
But even if they didn’t feel they ought to be there, a card, or flowers would be normal.

Sorry for your loss Op, but try not to dwell on this too much 💐

Well, firstly they are not your in laws and, secondly, funerals are optional. Why would you want to store up problems in your potential marriage by falling out with his parents before you even start?

I’m aware of that but it’s cold as ice.

it takes all sorts to make a world and we’re in the camp of going to funerals of our children’s in-laws. We see each other regularly at family gatherings and we get on, we are grandparents to the same grandchildren. It’s a bond that unites us. To not show up for people when someone has passed away just wouldn’t happen.

I think your grief is clouding your feelings. I've been with my partner for 20 years and I wouldn't expect my in-laws to attend my parents' funerals. I would be comforted if they chose to, but I certainly wouldn't cut them out of my life for not coming.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Same. Devon/Cornwall area, although I think some of that is probably linked to us being in the ‘farming community’ so to speak, as well.

Agree that approach to funerals in England is very different to elsewhere. When one of my best friend’s dad’s died, other friends in our circle said they weren’t sure if they could go to the funeral as they weren’t “invited”. Whereas in Ireland there’s no waiting for the invite - the fact the most random person from your past can attend to show they’re thinking of you and your family is one of the most touching parts of the whole thing, in my experience. On one occasion my paternal grandmother came to the funeral of my maternal uncle’s wife’s mother!

But I can see how if that’s not their tradition they may not think to attend. The comment above about judging them on the last 9 years and not the last few weeks is the right way to go if you can.

Anyway op. Funerals aside. Right now you are grieving and possibly looking for an outlet for your pain. Please don’t cut off family right now, you may feel very differently in a few weeks/months. Be kind to yourself

First of all I’m sorry for your loss

But unless there’s a backstory about your partners parents and your parents being mates then I think YABU. I think you are grieving and emotional but I wouldn’t expect my in laws to attend any of my family funerals and vice versa

I don’t think you should cut them off or remove them off social media

I am so sorry. Losing your Mum is so unbearably hard.

When it comes to funerals, there are very strong cultural differences, broadly 2 camps.

There are some people who feel that attendance at the funeral is primarily about the direct relationship to the deceased. In this group people attend the funerals of people they have known, or in order to directly support a very close relationship e.g. partner

And in the other camp, people that feel attendance is about respect to the family and community of the deceased. So in this group people will attend funerals of people they've never met e.g the parent of a friend or work colleague. Almost everyone who lives in the local area will attend etc.

It can feel very hurtful when the expectations don't align.

No-one's in laws attended my parents' funerals, and I would actually have found it intrusive if they had. There were people I'd never met before so it's not about needing to know them myself. It was great talking to former work colleagues about memories of my Dad etc.

I think you and your in laws have different expectations and as you are feeling so vulnerable, its hit you hard. But I don't think you should write them off because they don't match your way of doing things