AIBU to distance myself from in-laws after they skipped my mum’s funeral?

[Pinkyroses08]

Basically the title. I am 33 and have recently lost my mum to cancer. I’ve been with my partner for 9 years and although unmarried, we are planning on getting engaged and potentially trying for a family this year… our plans have been derailed the past few years with mums diagnosis. I have know my
inlaws for 9 years and we got on ok as far as I was aware. It was mums funeral a month ago and aside from a text from his dad the day prior, not one of my partners parents or siblings came to support. It’s really taken me aback and I truly don’t think I can ever sustain the same relationship with them. I’m even at the point where I want to remove them from social media and cut them out of my life completely . My partner knows I am upset but I don’t see by him saying anything to them will change how I fundamentally feel. For context they fully knew when and where the funeral was.

Cremation is becoming increasingly popular since the 2 new Crematoriums opened and you don't have to travel to Mount Jerome. My grandmother was cremated about 20 years ago and some people did think it odd at the time .

I’ve been to a few cremations. The funeral is still big and then sometimes less people go to the cremation bit. Depending on numbers able to go in.

Not always a physical fight? I have literally never seen a physical fight at a funeral. Any fight is not normal.

This may be specific to your group of friends snd family.

@AnSpideog a direct cremation is where there’s no funeral. The body is just taken direct to crematorium by undertaker, there is no service, no mourners present.

That’s not a direct cremation.

A direct cremation is unattended. The coffin goes directly to the crematorium with no mourners present and no service.

Sometimes, there will be a celebratory/memorial gathering at a separate date of the people who would’ve attended a funeral, but not always.

I would be upset too op! It's normal in my area to attend funerals to support the bereaved relatives not just if you knew the deceased. I've recently attended the funeral of the relative of a close work colleague, and she attended my fathets funeral.
My inlaws attended my fathers funeral. That is normal to me.

Aw well I’ve never heard of this happening.

That’s not to say it doesn’t. But my dad, who due to his age, could add funeral going to his list of hobbies, has not come across it.

This must be unusual everywhere though,

If you look at the stages of grief, you could be being influenced by the, anger and blame part. Before they are cut off, your partner should ask why his Dad didn't think to go. Why didn't he ask his Dad why he wasn't going? If my partner wasn't going, as a older Stepmum, I wouldn't go. There's norms in my family that aren't in my partner's family. I often think he is being rude, but have had to learn to leave him to not do, what I think is the norm.

@AnSpideog it’s becoming more popular in England, partly due to costs of funerals and also because some people just don’t want a fuss when they die. Think about 20% of funerals are now direct cremations

This is so important to realise OP. Your reactions are coloured with the grief. As you can see funeral attendance is background and cultural dependent.

@AnSpideog direct cremations are becoming popular, because of the cost. The one I'm paying off is only £40 a month, around £1600 in total. I could have got it cheaper if I doubled my monthly payment. I'm from immigrant background and my youngest DD doesn't get on well with my eldest, my eldest partner is an arsehole and I'm not having my youngest subjected to him.
My friends are getting DC because of remarriage/complicated families and also not wanting anyone travelling etc, just for a cremation.

My condolences for your sad loss.

Were I your MiL, after nine years of knowing you as family, I would go to the funeral to support you & my son.

At this time, your loss & grief is still so raw. Give yourself time to grieve before you take a position on this.

Let matters settle.

You may find that your iLs are there for you as time passes. Some people may not turn up on the day as they may feel they are intruding on close family's grief or wait to be invited.

Grief takes everyone in their own way. We cannot predict or know how each person responds. There is no right way which may lead people to infer or deduce meanings.

Give yourself time.

That can happen anywhere, to be fair, when feelings are running high. After my DH’s Grandad’s funeral, there was a massive row between my MIL and Grandad’s DSis and niece. Over a treasured family photograph. It was hugely out of character for all three of them, 2 years after my FIL (Grandad’s DS) had died in a car accident.

DH’s family are all English. And they hadn’t been drinking. So it isn’t anything to do with nationality, I don’t think.

My social circle has nothing to do with it. I don't socialise with extended family and I don't go to random funerals. If you don't recognise the aggressive behaviour at Irish funerals, maybe you're so used to it that you don't notice.

Maybe because you were the aggressor, or you just didn't recognise that the behaviour of other people was aggressive. When you're repeatedly exposed to aggressive behaviour you don't notice it.

Don’t be silly 😂
Seriously, this is not typical behaviour.

I’ve never experienced aggressive behaviour at funerals and it’s not because I’m accustomed to it.

I don’t follow the point you’re making about your social circle having nothing to do with it when you say you don’t go to random funerals. Unless you mean you only attend family funerals?

Seriously, you've never encountered physical or verbal aggression at an Irish funeral? Never witnessed a widow being elbowed in the hearse, or a drunk son or daughter ransacking the house to look for "the will", or a group of middle-aged women hurling abuse at their sibling who did all the caring, or a volley of abusive phone calls, texts, whatsapps and snapchats aimed at said widow and carer? You've led a sheltered life. Unless you were the abuser.

Your experience is different to mine.

I’m not pp but I can say hand on heart I’ve never experienced this! Honestly, this is such strange, uncouth behaviour you’re describing.

I think a lot of people lead ‘sheltered lives’ thankfully.

Please don’t mislead people into thinking this is usual behaviour for Irish people as a group. The people you know sound like a particularly rough bunch, I’m sorry to say.

The people who behave abusively, and the bystanders, always say that... This is very Irish.

Well that's quite a jump

This is both very offensive and very sad.
I am so sorry that this is your experience.

I´m half Spanish, so maybe biased. I think that is very off unless health or special circumstances. I attended my father in law´s funeral but not my mother in law´s some years later because I was on the other side of the country with a toddler. The family were ok with that. And if almost local it would raise my eyebrow. I guess in Spain we attend a funeral because we know one of the principal mourners, not necessarily the deceased. So your pil would have attended to show their respects to you and conmiserate with you. I guess this depends on the family in England so they should have checked with you or your partner.

@MarriedTwiceOneGrownUpDaughter I grew up in one of the roughest council estates in Ireland with a huge extended family and I’ve never come across anything like that at a funeral.

OP I’m so very sorry for your loss . Yes you are right your in-laws sound awful and I’d never get over this either. The school principals mother died last September and I dropped a mass card into the office for him and a representative of the parents association attended the funeral. It’s just being respectful to acknowledge the persons loss . To not offer support to your dil is awful and just so cold. Even if they didn’t attend the funeral but reached out to ask could they help or did you need them to do anything for you it would have let you know they cared.

This sounds like a very personal experience, I'm very sorry you have experienced that , I've never had this experience at a funeral , it's usually very solemn and respectful. Even if the family don't see eye to eye they can usually hold it together for the days involved in seeing a loved one off