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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to hesitate about caring for my niece’s baby?

525 replies

FerretPants · 17/03/2026 13:32

I have name changed for this. For legal reasons I can't discuss how the baby was conceived - needless to say that that side of things is currently being dealt with.

My niece has Global developmental delay, severe learning disabilities and is believed to be on the autism spectrum. She lives in a residential setting with staff present 24/7. Her father (my brother) takes care of all her affairs. Her mother died several years ago. She was there only child and there is few other family members.

DN is pregnant and due to give birth in the next few weeks. She isn't going to be capable of looking after a baby even with intense support. Social services have carried out an assessment and confirmed this. So the question has turned up what will happen to the baby when it's born. DB is now in his mid 60's and has said he feels he is too old to care for the baby full time. So myself and DH have been approached by social services - we have two DS's of our own aged 14 and 18 - the 18 year old is due to move to University in the Autumn. We have a spare bedroom (it's a box room but would be fine for a nursery) so that wouldn't be an issue. DH (I haven't told our sons yet - they rarely see her and don't know she's pregnant) is keen to explore the idea further. But I'm having doubts. We are both in our mid 50's and I feel like I'm past the nappies and bottles stage now... But at the same time this baby is family (as is my niece) and I feel like we should help if we can. If we say no the most likely scenario is foster care and then adoption. We have a meeting with social services next week, so we really need to decide one way or the other by then. I'm torn

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 17/03/2026 13:34

Tricky one. I’ve raised 3 kids (youngest 18 in 2wks) and I would not want to go back. That said my conscience would be making me doubt that firm no. It’s a really tough decision that will hugely alter the future of everyone.

Dublassie · 17/03/2026 13:36

I am almost the same age as you and it's a definite no . You are just hopefully reaching the stage of your life to do things for yourself .
You are very kind to even consider it .

MiaKulper · 17/03/2026 13:38

Definite No.

Lifelover16 · 17/03/2026 13:38

Are you and DH both working and if so who will do most of the childcare?
Do your employers offer adoption leave?
Who will pay for childcare whilst you are working?
How will it affect your other DCs?
it’s so difficult. My heart would say yes but my head would say no.

jaynelou5 · 17/03/2026 13:39

What are the chances of the baby also having severe learning difficulties as it sounds like both parents have? Very tricky situation.

AgnesMcDoo · 17/03/2026 13:39

I understand where you are coming from and I sympathise but i personally couldn’t live my niece or nephew going to into care / being adopted by strangers.

Scottishskifun · 17/03/2026 13:41

Sorry OP what a tough situation for you.

The reality is you would be 70+ before they showed any signs of independence and young babies to get adopted.

In your shoes it's not something I would choose to do and I would have to put my faith into the system of finding the baby a loving home.

Easterbunnyishotandcross · 17/03/2026 13:42

There must be someone out there who 100 %wants a baby.

That isn't you is it? Surely the best thing for the baby is to be 100 %wanted?

Overitallnow · 17/03/2026 13:43

You need to think of your sons in all of this too.

MiaKulper · 17/03/2026 13:43

If you were DN's uncle, would you feel differently?

xOlive · 17/03/2026 13:44

This is a hard one and possibly a sad situation if your DN became pregnant via… illegal means.

I personally couldn’t see a vulnerable family member go into the system. Even if it made my life harder, if I had the space and the financial means and I knew I could love and care for the baby, I couldn’t say no.
I hope you make the right decision for your family and you have no regrets whichever way it goes. Good luck to you 💛

pinkyredrose · 17/03/2026 13:45

Are there any other family members with younger children who could look after the baby?

howshouldibehave · 17/03/2026 13:46

No, I wouldn’t take this commitment on. There would presumably be a reasonable chance they would have additional needs as well so what would you be signing up to? Not just 18/21 years of care, but potentially a child needing specialist provision, one that perhaps could not go in typical wraparound care or live independently ever. Social care also like to get family members to look after babies as some kind of special arrangement whereby neither you or the school qualify for any additional financial help.

If you have endless pots of cash, bedrooms your sons will never need again and huge levels of energy and never want to work or socialise alone again, crack on.

MiaKulper · 17/03/2026 13:47

It's OP's GDN she is considering looking after. The DN is in care. The DGN will be eventually adopted or fostered.

Dearg · 17/03/2026 13:47

Op, apologies if this comes over badly- and I don’t look for an answer - is it likely that the baby will inherit some of her mum’s disabilities?

And does the answer to that affect any decision you might make? Particularly thinking of your ages and who would care for this baby should you later become unable to.

Such a hard decision for you to be faced with 💐

OperationalSupport · 17/03/2026 13:48

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to be hesitant, I’m under 40 with children at primary school and I wouldn’t want to go back to the baby years.

Saying that, I’d want to think through the emotional impact of my choice on my children, my niece and on the baby. Will your niece understand you’re taking care of her baby because she can’t, or would that be distressing for her? How would taking on a baby affect plans you’ve made for the next 20 years of your life, including supporting your children through their early adulthood? How will the baby eventually feel about the circumstances of their birth? I suspect that irrespective of whoever is taking care of them, the child will have an emotionally challenging teenage period.

WhatAMarvelousTune · 17/03/2026 13:48

Honestly? I wouldn’t even consider it.

starballoons · 17/03/2026 13:48

I think the baby would have a much better quality of life with adoptive parents who are younger and wanting to parent a child. Are you going to be able to deal with a teenager - whether that’s behaviour or just running them here there and everywhere when you’re 70?

pinkyredrose · 17/03/2026 13:49

As your husband is keen is he going to be the one to pause his career to look after the baby?

It sounds like it's best for the baby to be adopted by someone who really wants them.

Ohfudgeoff · 17/03/2026 13:49

The baby and your DN are both vulnerable. What would be in the best interests of DN?
What would be in the best interests of the baby?

I'm not asking you to expand or respond here, but I think for me I would also factor in the manner of conception - if it baby came about by something your family or DN want to move on from, or forget, and keeping the baby would hinder that as a permanent reminder, it's then perhaps foster and adoption might be the best way forwards and in the best interests of the baby.

AppropriateAdult · 17/03/2026 13:49

I think, in these very specific and tragic circumstances, that the best thing for this baby would be to be placed at birth with a couple who are seeking to adopt and want this baby with their whole hearts. It’s ok that that’s not you - it would be a huge thing to take on at your stage of life.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 17/03/2026 13:49

You're not dramatically younger than your brother tbh, I'd be having real doubts too

Firefly100 · 17/03/2026 13:50

I am your age and would not consider it. You are not much younger than your brother, who has a much greater responsibility to the child than you, and he is quick to reject the offer. I know you feel responsible that the child will end in care if you don’t but that is not a recipe for success. Unless you are desperate for the chance to raise another child and this is a gift you have prayed for,You are likely to regret it. Try to get rid of any feelings of guilt, this was not your doing and saying no is absolutely reasonable.

SunSparkle · 17/03/2026 13:51

honestly I would say no. It’s really hard having a baby later in life and you are signing up to a whole lifetime of being their parent. My mum had a baby in her late 40s (I was 21) and it not only massively shifted our dynamic as mother and daughter but she the underwent a series of unpredictable health problems which have made the last 15 years a hard slog in terms of parenting as she is now disabled herself and in her 60s with a dependent teenager.

there are tons of families who can adopt this baby and give it an amazing home who have dreamed of this opportunity their whole lives. Let a younger family bring up the baby.

MotherofPufflings · 17/03/2026 13:51

I do understand that adoption isn't a perfect option but I think it's likely to be the best choice in this case. Far better for a child to be adopted early than to bond with you and then you find yourself giving them up later. I actually don't understand why social services would even approach you tbh rather than one of the many people who desperately want to adopt and have been extensively assessed as to their suitability.