AIBU to hesitate about caring for my niece’s baby?

[FerretPants]

I have name changed for this. For legal reasons I can't discuss how the baby was conceived - needless to say that that side of things is currently being dealt with.

My niece has Global developmental delay, severe learning disabilities and is believed to be on the autism spectrum. She lives in a residential setting with staff present 24/7. Her father (my brother) takes care of all her affairs. Her mother died several years ago. She was there only child and there is few other family members.

DN is pregnant and due to give birth in the next few weeks. She isn't going to be capable of looking after a baby even with intense support. Social services have carried out an assessment and confirmed this. So the question has turned up what will happen to the baby when it's born. DB is now in his mid 60's and has said he feels he is too old to care for the baby full time. So myself and DH have been approached by social services - we have two DS's of our own aged 14 and 18 - the 18 year old is due to move to University in the Autumn. We have a spare bedroom (it's a box room but would be fine for a nursery) so that wouldn't be an issue. DH (I haven't told our sons yet - they rarely see her and don't know she's pregnant) is keen to explore the idea further. But I'm having doubts. We are both in our mid 50's and I feel like I'm past the nappies and bottles stage now... But at the same time this baby is family (as is my niece) and I feel like we should help if we can. If we say no the most likely scenario is foster care and then adoption. We have a meeting with social services next week, so we really need to decide one way or the other by then. I'm torn

Only you know if this is feasible within your family setting. It would be an absolute no from me but only you and your family can decide.

i don’t know anything about adoption but if your niece is still pregnant, then isn’t there a possibility that an adoption could be secured from birth so they wouldn’t be going in to care as suc. One thing to consider is that depending on the level of disability of your niece and given the difficult circumstances around conception, it might be challenging for the child to be brought up in the family with that constant reminder. Where a child is already in a family and then has to be taken into care, family stepping in on the face of it seems a great option. But here the child could end up in a wonderful family with parents who are younger and desperate for a baby or with parents more set up to care for a baby with additional needs if that is the case. It is such a tough and sad situation for you all.

How has this happened?
Either she's been raped
Or she's got pregnant with an equally disabled vulnerable adult
She's been massively let down by her residential home I hope there has been a proper investigation.

Definitely YANBU

I too would think it's in the baby's interests to be adopted.

Sorry I didn't read the updates.

Such intrusive questions when the OP has clearly explained that she cannot discuss this and it is being dealt with. You've jumped in with these questions, some statement of the obvious, and absolutely no empathy or advice for the OP.

I wouldn’t know. A newborn badly is likely to have a successful adoption

what is being done to stop your niece getting pregnant again? Contraceptive implant or sterilisation? Both much kinder than letting her have pregnancies and then the baby being taken away.

I’m a similar age to you, and would say no. Let the child go to a younger couple who want a baby, and will have more time and energy for him/her.

It doesn’t mean you will loose contact with the child. Friends who have adopted children have monthly meetings with their child’s bio-family.

At the moment, you’re thinking with your heart. Think with your head, about the practicalities, costs, and what is best for the child.

Kinship care is a wonderful thing to do but should ONLY be done if you're 100% committed. There is no shame in not wanting to essentially adopt a baby without warning in your 50s. This baby will probably go to a foster to adopt carer if you decline and hopefully get to be raised by them from birth to adulthood so will have the best possible chance for a baby removed from their mother.

With your DCs the ages they are then absolutely no, I would not feel able to start all over again with a newborn. Your life has moved on and at a different stage. I don't think I would have the energy to do it all over again either as perimenopause has hit me hard! As heartbreaking as this situation is I would be telling them no.

Honestly? No way would I be stepping in in your shoes.

I certainly get the instinctive reaction of wanting a to avoid care and “it’s family” but in these particular circumstances I think a foster to adopt relationship where baby is with one family from the start is the best outcome for all.

I would really look into what additional support they would provide for me, I'm around the same age as you OP so understand what a difficult decission it would be.
Would your DB be prepared to co-parent with you and DH?

Yanbu.

You have to consider what is best for the baby. Are you and DH going to be the best possible parents to this child? Will you feel regretful at the ties and restrictions to your life for the next 20 years? Do you have enough money? There won't be much if any support or financial help for you, as you are family and not a paid foster carer.

There may well be a young couple desperate for a baby who are able to adopt and give that child the best possible childhood.

But the baby is actually OP’s great niece/nephew.

Just no. You sound kind hearted but the best thing for the baby would be to be adopted by a younger couple in my opinion.

In my opinion, it’s an obvious no.

As a pp has said, you’re not hugely younger than your brother, so the considerations that applied to him also apply to you.

It also sounds very unfair on your existing children, who need their parents present for them during their teens.

Is it ton insensitive to ask why a termination of the pregnancy wasn’t the outcome? It sounds like even pregnancy and birth will be a terribly traumatic experience for your Nieve in themselves.

I think it completely depends on how likely the baby is to go into the arms of loving, adopted parents vs being bounced around the care system.

Would it be possible to foster the baby until a final adoption goes though? And could you stay in touch with the baby?

In the long term, you may well be incapacitated in some respect in a decade or so and still have a young child to think about, which wouldn't be fair to them. If possible it would be better if they could be adopted by loving parents in good health until this child reaches adulthood.

This is an admirable sentiment but it doesn't necessarily mean you'd be the right person to adopt/raise this baby just to prevent them going into care.

A newborn baby is highly unlikely to bounce about anywhere. They would hopefully go to a foster to adopt carer from birth and essentially be raised by their adopters from birth.

I’m the same age as you and with kids similar age to yours. But it would be a no. Best thing for the child would be adoption.

It would be a hard no from me. I’m late 40s and would not want to start all over again. There will be waiting lists for adopting a baby, let it have a fresh start. Don’t let DB or anyone guilt trip you- if he can say no then so can you- and passing baby round so everyone can ‘help’ will quickly fail as the novelty wears off and people bail.

Social Work will always ask around in the family as a first resort. It is their policy - it does not mean they expect you to do it but they cannot move to the next logical stage until family options have been ruled out. So don't take it too personally or feel you must do it.

Goodness what a dilemma for you.

I'm late 50s and am now enjoying DGCs and have to say that there is a reason why women in their mid to late 50s can't naturally have children. It's exhausting - mentally and especially physically, carrying around a toddler and all the physical challenges parenting requires is something you don't think about when you're a fit and healthy 20 or 30 something. But it is really hard work.

I am incredibly maternal but I know that I would not be able to take this on if it were me. There are many, many people, including a friend of my DD who is desperate to adopt with her DH and a friend of mine fosters babies until they are adopted so there are options that could mean the baby has the opportunity of a wonderful life with a couple who cannot have their own biological children.

Give it lots of thought OP. I don't envy you the decision.

@FerretPants you say ‘helping out’ but it’s so much more than this. You can’t help out and give back. The baby will be yours forever.

Thats 5 years pre-school, 7 years primary, 5 years secondary and 2 years sixth-form/college until they hit 18. Don’t forget the 13 weeks school holidays each year when they eventually start school.

Also, these years may not be as plain-sailing as with your older children. You’re older, so will have less energy to entertain but more importantly life may be difficult for this child (and you too) should they also have severe learning difficulties, autism (which is hereditary) etc.. Will you have the strength to fight for EHCP plans etc.. if that’s what the child needs.

A baby is cute, raising a child to adulthood with/or without complex needs is exhausting - if the parents are committed to doing a good job. If you think you both fit the bill and could give the child the best start in life then go for it.