AIBU to hesitate about caring for my niece’s baby?

[FerretPants]

I have name changed for this. For legal reasons I can't discuss how the baby was conceived - needless to say that that side of things is currently being dealt with.

My niece has Global developmental delay, severe learning disabilities and is believed to be on the autism spectrum. She lives in a residential setting with staff present 24/7. Her father (my brother) takes care of all her affairs. Her mother died several years ago. She was there only child and there is few other family members.

DN is pregnant and due to give birth in the next few weeks. She isn't going to be capable of looking after a baby even with intense support. Social services have carried out an assessment and confirmed this. So the question has turned up what will happen to the baby when it's born. DB is now in his mid 60's and has said he feels he is too old to care for the baby full time. So myself and DH have been approached by social services - we have two DS's of our own aged 14 and 18 - the 18 year old is due to move to University in the Autumn. We have a spare bedroom (it's a box room but would be fine for a nursery) so that wouldn't be an issue. DH (I haven't told our sons yet - they rarely see her and don't know she's pregnant) is keen to explore the idea further. But I'm having doubts. We are both in our mid 50's and I feel like I'm past the nappies and bottles stage now... But at the same time this baby is family (as is my niece) and I feel like we should help if we can. If we say no the most likely scenario is foster care and then adoption. We have a meeting with social services next week, so we really need to decide one way or the other by then. I'm torn

@FerretPants there are often lots of childless couples that want to adopt babies. Babies generally get adopted much faster than older children.

Personally I'd not want to be raising a teenager in my 70s!!

Nobody is coercing them. They have been asked, that's all.

This is a very important consideration

What a sad situation. I'm nearly 65 and no way would I want to take on a new born baby. Its hard enough with youth on your side. Would you consider having some weekends with the baby to keep the family connections?

Same for me.

I know a family where the Gparents couldnt bear for a child tp gp into care and had her. They weren't well themselves and the child had quite a limited life with them and then went into care anyway when they died. So I would say no, the baby will be much better off gping to a younger couplr who really want a baby. You cpuld ask if the foster to adopt process would work here wherd the child stays with the same family.

I thought that too with regards to the baby having learning difficulties.
A very difficult decision to make.

Absolutely not. Your priority is to your own children

This was my first thought.

reading what OP has said I do t think the father has LD, it sounds far more likely she was abused by someone in a responsible position. Having said that 2 parents having LD doesn’t equate to a baby having LD!

Absolutely no way I would

The isuus

Could you mind baby until a suitable adoption could be arranged?

People are not glossing over the background. The OP touched on it and it doesn’t take a lot to realise that it’s not for discussion here.

Nothing she has said rules out the father being a fellow resident of the home, therefore he could also have severe LD. we don’t know who it is.
I was just asking the question as something else they need to carefully consider as a possibility.

This issue would be any likely foster cater would be short term and the baby would be moved around until an adoptive family were found! I’m a similar age to OP and I would certainly explore the possibility of fostering the baby! Having worked with children in care, the outcomes are generally a lot worse, adoption often fails and I just couldn’t allow a relation of mine to end up in such a system!

OP there's quite a lot of misconceptions about adoption being posted on here. I mentioned before that the reality of adoption isn't really relevant in your decision, but if you did want an accurate understanding of it you'd do well to speak to the social worker and ask on the Mumsnet adoption boards. Adoption has changed a lot in the last five years or so, both in terms of what is expected around the bio family and re the ages/chances etc of adoption, and who is coming forward to adopt.

She says it’s being dealt with. Obviously can’t be discussed.

Probably not
Ideally all newborns where adoption is a likely outcome are placed with foster to adopt carers meaning once they are subject to a placement order (meaning they can legally be adopted) their foster carer becomes their adopter.
In any case babies don't tend to move foster placements even if there aren't any foster to adopt carers so they would probably have one foster carer for 6-9 months then move to their adopters. There are very few reasons that a foster placement of a baby would break down. Local authority carers who specialise in caring for babies and doing transitions to adoption/other permanency plans know what they are doing and once they have taken a newborn they see it though barring extraordinary circumstances.

I absolutely couldn’t look after a baby in these circumstances.

Absolutely not. It sounds like this baby’s best chance is with an adoptive family who are briefed on their history and primed to support them into adulthood and beyond. Keeping children in the family isn’t always best for them. What about if your DN goes on to have further children?

I wouldn’t consider this, OP. I thought from your title that this was a childminding situation, but if you agree you’ll essentially be raising an extra child from birth to adulthood under a kinship care order, with minimal support. The best outcome for the baby in the circumstances would probably be an early permanence adoption pathway, where the baby goes to foster carers with a view to them adopting her.

If your DB thinks he is too old in mid 60s but wants you to take on a baby mid-50s, then he is expecting you to do ten years childcare past the time that he personally felt too old to do it. (And maybe he is expecting you to commit the rest of your life if this child also has complex needs).

Surely the sensible thing would be for the baby to be adopted by someone who really wants it.

Might add that I’d really have thought the niece should have been given a suitable form of contraception.

Dont answer this OP but is there a possibility/likelihood that the child will inherit her mother's disabilities? and if so to what degree? If this is the case, even if SS promise massive help and support, (insert eyeroll here) I'd say think REALLY hard about it. I know a couple who did something similar and it didn't end well. Secondly (and it is something that you need to consider) how hands on helpful will your husband be likely to be? If he's keen to explore it, does he realise how much hands on he will need to be? You mention DB but no mention of a wife?
I am not going to say yes or no. I will say that to do it, you will need to be in it with your whole heart and to me it doesn't sound as though you are.
@MotherofPufflings I believe that in these circumstances, SS are required to speak to family members before going the fostering route, they can't just rule them out unless they are not acceptable for other reasons.