AIBU to hesitate about caring for my niece’s baby?

[FerretPants]

I have name changed for this. For legal reasons I can't discuss how the baby was conceived - needless to say that that side of things is currently being dealt with.

My niece has Global developmental delay, severe learning disabilities and is believed to be on the autism spectrum. She lives in a residential setting with staff present 24/7. Her father (my brother) takes care of all her affairs. Her mother died several years ago. She was there only child and there is few other family members.

DN is pregnant and due to give birth in the next few weeks. She isn't going to be capable of looking after a baby even with intense support. Social services have carried out an assessment and confirmed this. So the question has turned up what will happen to the baby when it's born. DB is now in his mid 60's and has said he feels he is too old to care for the baby full time. So myself and DH have been approached by social services - we have two DS's of our own aged 14 and 18 - the 18 year old is due to move to University in the Autumn. We have a spare bedroom (it's a box room but would be fine for a nursery) so that wouldn't be an issue. DH (I haven't told our sons yet - they rarely see her and don't know she's pregnant) is keen to explore the idea further. But I'm having doubts. We are both in our mid 50's and I feel like I'm past the nappies and bottles stage now... But at the same time this baby is family (as is my niece) and I feel like we should help if we can. If we say no the most likely scenario is foster care and then adoption. We have a meeting with social services next week, so we really need to decide one way or the other by then. I'm torn

I'd be reluctant too .

Are they keen to keep the baby with family members? Will your dn be encouraged to have a relationship with the the baby ? If the answers are yes, it sounds to me like you are being coerced into it.

We are 55 i know i couldn't look after a baby full time and then a young kid in my 60s, I do think SS go to immediate family first but you don't have to take this baby on, and it would probably be better fostered then adopted.

OP there are so many questions you need to ask the social workers, yourselves and your own family.

Are you physically able? Are you financially able? (most local authorities do not pay for kinship care) Are you emotionally able? What affect will this have on your relationship with your husband, brother and your own children? What happens if the child is also severely disabled? What were your own plans for the future and how will they have to change to accommodate a baby?

It is normal for social services to contact all known relatives in situations like this, it does not mean that they are asking you to take the child, they just have to explore every option.

You say she is family, however you and your own family units needs must be put first.

Please do not be guiltied into this, no one will judge you for saying no, if you feel that you are unable to have the baby.

Sorry but this isn't the case. In my role we get updates from the adoption social workers about children's chances, typically in the last twelve months it's been around 1000+ children waiting to be adopted nationally and typically around 250 approved adoptive families at any given time.
Cost of living, and people waiting longer to try for their own families (so not necessarily looking to adopt if unsuccessful given their age), has significantly affected the number of people looking to adopt. Unfortunately the new expectations about keeping in touch with biological families may impact that further (it's too early to tell yet)

None of that should influence the OP, as taking on care of a child should only be done if it's right for them, otherwise there's a real risk of things breaking down in future. But it's just not correct that there's lots of prospective adopters out there desperate for babies.

Some adoptions will allow some sort of contact like photos , it might be worth exploring .

This is probably the most difficult dilemma I’ve ever seen on this forum, I really feel for you. What a distressing situation for your whole family and especially your young niece.

I am similar age to you, but I’m single, childless and always wanted children, so of course my thoughts are swayed. If it were me/my niece, I would take the baby. Of course it’s far from ideal and would be exhausting but I would want to keep that family connection and I’m physically and financially able to do it.

If I were in your position though, the one thing (probably the main/only thing) that gives me cause to rethink, is the potential within the next 18 years, while this baby is still a child/teen, that both you and your DH are gone, and the responsibility to continue raising them falls onto your sons, who would still only be in their 20s/early 30s. That’s a heavy responsibility for them, and they may decide they don’t want to or might not be able to.

I know plenty of people who have remained fit and healthy through their 50s, 60s, 70s, but I know an equal number who lived a fit, healthy, active life and in their 50s/60s got cancer or other serious and unexpected medical problems. It’s a real consideration to think of your sons - not so much gaining a baby sibling now, but becoming parents to a teen sibling later on.

Taking that scenario into account, the kindest and most practical way might then be to have the baby adopted from birth.

Apologies if someone else has raised this already and I’ve missed it.
When considering if you can care for this child, do you know if any of your niece’s learning differences are due to genetic reasons? If so there may be an elevated risk of the child also having extra needs. If the father is also known to have inheritable issues this may elevate the probability further.

I am on no way implying you should, or should not, assume care for your niece’s child, just raising issues you should consider when making the decision.

Hi, I work in fostering and with a lot of kinship carers. It's a huge thing to take on and you need to be really realistic about the expectations and impact on your life and your children's for the next 18+ years.

You should only take this on if you are absolutely 100% on board. And be prepared for the assessment process/ then I'd imagine SGO process in the future. Expectations of family time for mum (and dad/paternal family members depending on the situation)

It can of course be amazingly rewarding and can bring so much to your life and the child's, and it's always felt best for children to stay within families. BUT if there is a hint of doubt/ potential for any resentment to build about changed life plans/retirement changing etc, then please don't take it on.

You are in such a difficult and emotionally charged position right now. Try and strip it back to the practical things first when thinking about if you can proceed with this.

If the baby is on the adoption pathway the sooner that happens the better. You could consider fostering yourselves if you think that would work for you, however it's less traumatic for the baby to be adopted young and adoptive parents love to adopt an infant.

There is no way I'd take this on. I have children in their 20s who still need a fair bit of support. It's not as if your children turn 18 and are instantly self-sufficient. Your responsibility is to them and yourself. I am in my very early 60s and the mere thought of raising a young child, perhaps with special needs, makes me feel exhausted. Neither of my children were neurotypical but they are educated and will live independent lives. It took a lot of tears and effort to get them there. If both your children were easy, then I think you have no idea what you could potentially be letting yourself in for raising this child. Even if the child is "normal", do you remember the broken sleep from feeding during the night, the nappies, the teething, the potty training and so on. For all your sakes, I think adoption into a loving home where the baby will have a fresh start is the best solution rather than you martyring yourself taking on a distantly connected child in your mature years because your husband "is keen to explore" the idea and because people not in your situation are bleating about how they would take the baby. I think in reality many of those posters wouldn't do it if they were in your circumstances.

In my heart I would take babe but I've just turned 50 and financially very secure. I dont work but DH is semi retired. We have 4 kids youngest just 17.
In my head i wouldn't without taking my kids feelings and thoughts into consideration what about the baby. If adopted they could have a family that would all cherish and adore babe, the child wouldn't have to explain at school who we were and could just have a mum and dad like all other kids.
A family member was adopted by their grandparents who adored them but they always said they felt weird as their parents were old and couldn't run along to teach them to ride bikes and so many other things

I would feel wrenched but would opt for adoption. Your brother, the actual grandparent was quite quick to come to that conclusion so don't feel leant upon.

It would be so much for your to take on and would affect the rest of your family. Another 18 years at least and more, perhaps forever, if baby has SEN or a disability (hopefully not but you don't know yet).

I have a friend who is a foster carer for babies and toddlers. She said often there is a pattern of the little one going from birth family/extended family to foster care over and over until adoption is then decided on. By then the child can be a few years old and confused and distressed. She says in most cases it would just be better for the adoption to go ahead in babyhood so that bonds don't have to be repeatedly built and broken.

It did not have to get to this distressing situation though did it. Has anyone thought this through? How awful for this child. I would not ruin my family dynamic for this and it’s fraught with problems. What a total disaster.

I would say not OP, it's a horrible situation but I don't think it would be the right thing for you and your family at all.

@FerretPants Philippa Perry once said that if you have to choose between guilt or resentment choose guilt every time.

How helpful of you.

Just to point out that it's not the OPs choice if the baby is adopted. Both maternal and paternal family will be asked the same question (if the baby's father is known, and that is regardless of the circumstances of the pregnancy) Obviously it's a harder decision to make if there's no other potentially suitable people in either family though.

@FerretPants do you work? Would it be of interest to you to take this on as a job ?
By that I mean that you would only do it on the same basis as an unrelated foster carer and receive the associated allowances and respite support rather than become a kinship carer with none of that.
Although a 24/7 role for 18+ years it might feel different if it wasn't a purely moral/emotional decision. And should it prove too much, there would be the option for the child to move to unrelated foster care if you are basically in the same system.
A real dilemma though for all concerned.

I don't envy you OP I'm nearly 47 my DC are 17, 22, 24 my DH is nearly 58 I definitely wouldn't want to go back to babies, DD has a 18 month old and we don't have him overnight as its too much (I'm working FT and in the middle of another degree) DH is ex military and has issues with hips and knees.

You have to think to yourself at your age what if (god forbid) something happened to either of you you could have a very young child loosing a parent. Think about how old you will be when this child is 15/16. Would they be better off adopted by a younger couple. There is a list of young professionals that cannot for some reason have children waiting for a baby to love. It's the older children that struggle to find homes.

Oof this is a sad and tricky situation all around, there’s hardly a right or wrong answer.

I think about this a lot as there’s a person in my boyfriend’s family that is an unfit parent and I always think of who would look after the child if the other parent didn’t step in. My father grew up in the system so my heart would definitely tell me to not let myself let another child go through that, but reality isn’t that simple. I’m already feeling “done” with raising children, I can only imagine in my 50s I’d feel even less inclined.

It’s impossible to say in advance but the child’s health would probably be a massive factor in my decision. What are the chances of the baby having similar disabilities as the mother?

I’m sorry for everyone in this situation OP, I wish you all the best.

If you do do it please take anything social services (or anyone actually) say they’ll do to help with a huge pinch of salt.

We have a kinship/SGO set up and social services promised my dying cousin there was “lots and lots of help and support” for whoever took on her DC.

in reality DC is in a loving home with us and so they have no need to be interested and zero interest in being involved for the sake of it.

I’m very late 40’s, my youngest is 9 and the DC we’ve taken in is now 3 and it’s been hard hard work. Even with primary age kids the jump back to toddler was hard going.

I wouldn’t change it as it was either us or care as the original plan fell apart, but it is very hard work.

it’s also a difficult situation with other family members. People who chose not to step up still feel very entitled to loud and strong opinions on what I should or shouldn’t be doing and I struggle with that.

The courts and social services would be very unlikely to agree a plan of long term fostering if there could be a realistic chance of adoption though. The goal is to achieve permanence for a child and LTF isn't permanence for a baby. That's an entire childhood with social workers involved, it's very intrusive.

This is a massive commitment. Like another poster said there will be people who would adopt a baby. It may be possible given the circumstances to have an open adoption type arrangement too.

OP can’t discuss details for legal reasons, so this is entirely besides the point.

Just my opinion. A newborn can be placed quickly with foster-to-adopt parents, and absolutely thrive.

(My two were placed with me when they wrre preschoolers, so not the same as newborn.)

Placing with the birth family sounds great until you find all your relationships are skewed and out of synch, and you’re in your seventies dealing with teens with hidden disabilities that didn’t become evident until secondary school.