AIBU to hesitate about caring for my niece’s baby?

[FerretPants]

I have name changed for this. For legal reasons I can't discuss how the baby was conceived - needless to say that that side of things is currently being dealt with.

My niece has Global developmental delay, severe learning disabilities and is believed to be on the autism spectrum. She lives in a residential setting with staff present 24/7. Her father (my brother) takes care of all her affairs. Her mother died several years ago. She was there only child and there is few other family members.

DN is pregnant and due to give birth in the next few weeks. She isn't going to be capable of looking after a baby even with intense support. Social services have carried out an assessment and confirmed this. So the question has turned up what will happen to the baby when it's born. DB is now in his mid 60's and has said he feels he is too old to care for the baby full time. So myself and DH have been approached by social services - we have two DS's of our own aged 14 and 18 - the 18 year old is due to move to University in the Autumn. We have a spare bedroom (it's a box room but would be fine for a nursery) so that wouldn't be an issue. DH (I haven't told our sons yet - they rarely see her and don't know she's pregnant) is keen to explore the idea further. But I'm having doubts. We are both in our mid 50's and I feel like I'm past the nappies and bottles stage now... But at the same time this baby is family (as is my niece) and I feel like we should help if we can. If we say no the most likely scenario is foster care and then adoption. We have a meeting with social services next week, so we really need to decide one way or the other by then. I'm torn

Personally, I absolutely KNOW I wouldn't have the energy to start over with a newborn (am slightly younger than you). I also know women of my age who probably would be able for it.
Perhaps if both DH and I could retire early. But then how would we afford it?

I do think having parents in their mid-70's, as the only young adult in the family would be hard.

Only you can decide this.

I'd consider how it's going to impact your niece if the baby stays with you, that could be a positive or a negative thing depending on her level of understanding and how she feels about the pregnancy.
I'd also seriously consider the impact on you and your children if you start again at this point. I understand the urge to help but there's no shame in deciding it's too much. It's a massive ask.

Only thing I 100% would not do is agree to a "trial run" type situation. It would be much worse for everyone if you said yes initially then found later you couldn't cope. If the baby is going to be put up for adoption the chances of success will be so much higher if it's from birth.

I think it's something that has to be thought about very carefully. If your niece has severe learning difficulties, then there's a distinct possibility that her baby could as well. How would you cope with a child who has profound disabilities? What about childcare? Would your employer give you adoption leave? Could you manage financially, bearing in mind, your ages when the baby reaches adulthood? How would having a newborn in your home impact your own children?

You are getting to a point in life where you have time as a couple, you can travel etc and doing the things you can't do easily with children. If you take on a baby, you are going to be old before that stage of life comes around again.

What happens if one of you becomes unwell or dies, before the baby has reached adulthood. That will put another level of pressure on you both.

In situations like this, it's not as simple as saying yes. There are lots of practical issues that have to be ironed out. You both have to be absolutely sure.

If it was me, I would be saying No, not if I were in my mid-50's. It's too much.

Im usually quite a softie with most things but this would be a hard no.

What a difficult situation.

I am 52. If it was my grandchild then absolutely without a moment's hesitation.

Great niece with possible severe learning disabilities. I'm really not so sure. I think probably no. The impact on all of your lives will just be too great.

The good thing is that it's a baby. Many people wanting to adopt babies.

YANBU. PP have it well covered. Head vs heart, significant practical considerations. The baby could grow up with loving adoptive parents and not know any different. Far better than having to be moved as a toddler. Don’t feel guilty about this, at all.

The child will be 15 when you’re 70. Unless it’s your grandchild I’d say no way. Add the risk of inherited delayed functioning and it’s a big NO.

If there’s no-one else in the family the baby will probably be placed for adoption.

My DB had two children by two different women 6 weeks apart 16 years ago. One child was adopted. The other child was raised by my DB alone as the child's mother was incapable of looking after the child who is the third of at least five children removed from her at birth.

My DB died two years ago and I and my DH were asked to take on the 14 year old. We refused as my DH was 60 and his adult daughter has SEN and still lives with us. It would have been hugely disruptive to us.

The child is very disruptive in the care setting, running away and getting drunk, and I have no doubt that would be the case if the child lived with us.

The child's sibling was in touch with him recently and has great parents, a stable home and is flourishing.

Let your DN's child be adopted. It will be for the best in the long run.

Absolutely not.
No way OP.
This is not your burden at this stage of your life.
Honestly, you have no idea what challenges that baby might have and you are too old to be starting over.
I am 60 with children a similar age to yours, and however hard you imagine it might be, it will be 10 times harder.
As for your husband, pay him no heed, this will be all you who will be impacted.
Apologies if that is harsh.
Absolutely agree with adoption being the better option or long term fostering.

I hope this is not a horrible question, but who decided she would carry the pregnancy full term?

@FerretPants

Given whatever 'the circumstances' are, would adoption be such a bad thing for this baby? A good secure home with parents eager to have a child sounds like the perfect solution.

I'm an adopted child who was placed at 2 weeks old and given the 'circumstances' surrounding my own birth I thank God that I was given up for adoption. It was the right thing for my birth mother to do and I feel nothing but gratitude towards her..

In this situation, I would not agree to raise the baby.

Your ages, your own kids, the possibility of high medical needs, just the exhaustion, and I developed a serious health issue in my 50s. No way could I have taken care of a baby. Then there's the financial aspects, such as you have upcoming university costs coming and retirement to save for.

Your brother is putting himself first and I think you should do the same.

Social services at least where I am can put the pressure on sonetimes for families to take kids in that they're really not equipped to raise.

Indeed. My close friend's niece and husband (both university lecturers with no other children) adopted a baby from shortly after thr child's birth (similar-sounding mother). The little boy is 6 now and absolutely thriving and loved to pieces by his parents and their wider family.

I would say no

I would be very hesitant to see the baby go into foster care. If a quick adoption could be arranged so that the baby could form bonds with the permanent parents, I would feel better about not stepping up. If that couldn’t happen, I’m not sure I could walk away, even though I am now in my 50s and definitely not in a position to start over again.

Op just to mention that you say you have to decide one way or the other by next week - if you are on the fence (it's ok if you're not) then speak to the social worker as it may not be that black and white. Are you being asked to care for them when they're born, or are they asking if you want to be assessed?
There are different routes - children placed with extended family as soon as they are removed from a parent, who are approved as temporary foster carers, and then are assessed while the child is living with them to see if they would be suitable as long term carers.
It can also be that the child goes to unrelated foster carers and then assessments are done with family and the child only goes to them if they are approved as long term carers. This is more common if the child is removed in an emergency or if there are doubts about whether someone could be a suitable long term carer (not necessarily safeguarding reasons but practicalities eg work, finances etc)

The assessments for long term care are lengthy, usually done over a minimum of 12 weeks but often longer, and go into your history and motivations. They're done that way because so many people 'want to do the right thing' and over commit, the assessment period gives them time to really see if the can adjust. Similar in some ways to being assessed as adoptive parents because essentially that is what is being asked of you. It really isn't unusual for people to start assessments and withdraw part way through once they've had time to really think about it (although there are lots of amazing family carers out there)

Another thing to be aware of is that adoption has changed quite a lot. Babies aren't snapped up for adoption like they used to be - not saying that to influence your decision but just to be realistic. Babies and toddlers still do get adopted though in my experience tend to have to wait longer (I have a couple on my caseload waiting a year since the court agreed a plan of adoption, with no obvious needs/disabilities that might put adopters off) Also there is now an expectation on adoptive parents to keep in touch including it being the norm to have some face to face visits with the bio family depending on the circumstances, so it isn't necessarily the 'closed' adoptions that we were used to until very recently in the UK. So it isn't automatically the case that if they were adopted you wouldn't be able to see them until they made the decision as adults to seek out family.

I do wish you well whatever you decide, it sounds a very sad situation all round.

dont do it. You’ll regret such a huge change in your family life without actually asking for it to happen.

It's tricky and only you and your DH can know what you would be able to manage. If you said no it is likely the child would go to a family who are set up as foster carers for the purposes of adoption so the child would remain in one place. Find out what they have planned as they are probably doing parallel planning to cover either outcome.

Oh OP, what an awful situation. I feel devastated for the unborn baby, who has been conceived under what I can only assume are unlawful and unpleasant circumstances, who will now either end up in the adoption system or will be under kinship care. Your poor niece as well. Whatever happens, this baby will grow up with the effects of trauma.

Make the decision that is right for you. Would you be able to maintain contact if the baby goes into the foster care system? If so, it might be better that the baby is adopted under early permanence to a young family, and then maintains contact with you as birth family as they grow. Obviously if you think you can do it, go for it. But also consider what it might be like for a baby to grow up with older parents who may development health problems, and for your two existing teenage boys.

That being said, on a personal level, I don't think I could see a baby in my family go into care.

Absolutely no way.

It would cause extreme disruption to your own children and yourself.

You have had no hand in the decisions made around this young woman and bear no responsibility for the failures in this case.

I would definitely consider it. I would want to work out how it would work in terms of finances etc. And also I’d want to be sure that my kids were on board with it too. If I had health issues or other things going on then I would also be wary- but I also would take the decision based on my own views and not those of others who say I am “too old” etc.

In my view, a healthy couple in their 50s/ 60s who are happy and financially secure are as likely to be good parents as anyone else. And plenty of people through time have been raised by older people, be it grandparents etc- it’s a bit of a myth that you have to be under 40 to be a decent parent.

We have some people locally who have taken on their grandchildren at a similar age.

Dont do this. There is a waiting list of people wanting to adopt babies. Even if you don’t do this for your current children. They have to come first.

I'd say no. What would happen if she were to get pregnant again in the future, a sibling would be in the mix.
Newborn will be adopted straight away, there will be a family desperate for a baby.

No, because the baby should get yo go somewhere it's really realy wanted

You could be assessed to care for the baby with a view to social services placing with adoptive parents. That way baby stays with family until they are adopted.