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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel hurt my friend refused a small favour?

314 replies

Redman73 · 17/03/2026 11:16

Not sure If I am being over sensitive or a CF

A bit of back ground as I feel is relevant. I have a 19 year old son living at home who is Autistic. High functioning but needs constant support and struggles with his emotions/mental health. He is often violent and this has become particularly bad over the last six months. Things at home are tough and I am very open about this with my close friends. One of my closest friends, I meet up with every week for a dog walk been friends for over 15 years.

One of the triggers for my sons decline in mental health is the fact he lost his leaflet delivery job. We have just secured him a new one which we are hoping will improve his state of mind. The new delivery route is a 15/20 mins walk away which would be fine but they are magazines so pretty heavy. He can only carry 120 at a time and the route has 800 houses. I text my friend who's parents live on the route to ask if my son could leave a plastic box on their drive, that way he could restock (rather than having to come all the way home or alternatively I would have to drive and meet him with more leaflets.) This delivery is only once a month so would only be there for a few days a month.

My friend replied that no it wouldn't be possible as there is no where to put it (Its a large driveway and garden) I was totally gobsmacked. I have a good relationship with her parents and in hindsight should have just knocked and asked them directly. I don't believe she asked them. I know that if it was the other way round I would have said yes immediately. I guess I just don't understand why you wouldn't want to help a friend. I'm not sure I can meet her this week and act like I am not upset.

OP posts:
PensionMention · 17/03/2026 11:19

It wouldn’t bother me. I will admit that as it’s just once a month to me the longer time it stretches out the better. Is he is allowed to do it over a couple of days?

Mmmchocolatebuttons · 17/03/2026 11:20

I would think that she asked her parents and they said no. It was a bit odd to ask her when she doesn't live there?

bloomchamp · 17/03/2026 11:21

Come on op you’ve confided that he’s violent and that it’s got worse. She’s probably just worried about her parents

Fairyliz · 17/03/2026 11:21

Yes I would be hurt too op, it’s a small favour that wouldn’t actually involve them doing anything.
I have been in this situation before and it really hits you harder than you would expect. I think it’s because you are at glass full with worries, so one extra little thing makes the glass overflow.
Sorry I don’t have any ideas of what to do; just sending you support as I have an autistic child and it’s hard.

CocoaTea · 17/03/2026 11:22

@Redman73 I understand your disappointment.

Unfortunately I think you have to just leave it though.

If it was me, it would affect my view of the relationship but I have been told I am sensitive.

I hope your son gets on ok and you finf another solution.

Hoardasurass · 17/03/2026 11:22

Yes you're a cf.
You're friends parents are not a delivery depo or storage unit.
Their drive and garden are for their use not yours or your sons and most certainly not for a couple of days every month.
Store your sons magazine's at your house and buy him a trolley to transport his magazine's

veggietabless · 17/03/2026 11:22

Don't you think it's probably because she's a bit concerned about her parents being involved at all when you've told her so much about his struggles with MH and violence?
Rightly or wrongly I'd expect that's the issue.

itsthetea · 17/03/2026 11:22

Get him a trolley if the walking is too much ?

HotBaths · 17/03/2026 11:22

Well, it’s not your friend’s house, it’s her parents’. Maybe she did ask them, and they’re not keen on keeping something for a 19 year old who you say is experiencing poor MH and is frequently violent? Or maybe she is protecting them and didn’t ask? I wouldn’t put this on my parents.

takealettermsjones · 17/03/2026 11:23

It's also something for them to take responsibility of - i.e. what if the box gets damaged in severe weather, or nicked, or opened by animals - they would then feel responsible for loss of product/earnings. I would probably do this for my adult child but not my child's friend's son.

IWaffleAlot · 17/03/2026 11:23

Sad to say if you mentioned he is sometimes violent and a trigger is his job, she may not want to involve her parents in something that could be a risk to them.

outerspacepotato · 17/03/2026 11:23

First, she might not want the responsibility of having something out in the open on her parent's drive that doesn't belong to her. Anything could happen to it.

There might not be room.

You want to leave a large plastic bin on her parents' drive for days.

It's a rather large favour and things could easily go wrong here. She has the right to say no to you wanting to use her parents' property for storage. I would also say no.

I think you're unreasonable in asking her to store your son's job stuff on property that isn't even hers and being upset that she said no.

Bingbangboo · 17/03/2026 11:23

They are probably worried about what the arrangement may lead to - deliveries being made direct to their property, piles of unused magazines being left in their garden, you requesting a more permanent storage solution etc. I think it's great your son is getting back in to work, but I do think you are being unreasonable expecting them to get involved and offer up part of their drive as permanent solution.

MotherofPufflings · 17/03/2026 11:23

I don't think you're being overly sensitive, I'd be really hurt too. Some people are just a bit selfish tbh and it can come as a surprise when you're the sort of person who puts themselves out for others.

HotBaths · 17/03/2026 11:24

takealettermsjones · 17/03/2026 11:23

It's also something for them to take responsibility of - i.e. what if the box gets damaged in severe weather, or nicked, or opened by animals - they would then feel responsible for loss of product/earnings. I would probably do this for my adult child but not my child's friend's son.

Yes, and for dealing with the upset this is likely to cause in a young adult the OP says has poor MH and is violent.

Octavia64 · 17/03/2026 11:24

you don’t know what else is going on with her parents.

you asked, perfectly reasonable.
she said no, also perfectly reasonable.

get him a trolley or similar

IWaffleAlot · 17/03/2026 11:25

takealettermsjones · 17/03/2026 11:23

It's also something for them to take responsibility of - i.e. what if the box gets damaged in severe weather, or nicked, or opened by animals - they would then feel responsible for loss of product/earnings. I would probably do this for my adult child but not my child's friend's son.

Also this, what if something happened to the box and he is triggered and then her parents will have to deal with it

MovedlikeHarlowinMonteCarlo · 17/03/2026 11:25

I would let him but may feel a little wary about letting a violent male onto my property. She may feel the same.

DameOfThrones · 17/03/2026 11:27

IWaffleAlot · 17/03/2026 11:25

Also this, what if something happened to the box and he is triggered and then her parents will have to deal with it

Show quote history

Yes, this crossed my mind too.

If the box was stolen or mistakenly taken away as recycling, she may worry about how might react.

I think a trolley is a good idea OP.

Daytimetellyqueen · 17/03/2026 11:28

IWaffleAlot · 17/03/2026 11:23

Sad to say if you mentioned he is sometimes violent and a trigger is his job, she may not want to involve her parents in something that could be a risk to them.

This! Plus what if he needs the toilet en route?! She’s likely concerned it’s the start of a slippery slope that she wants to keep her parents far away from.

Ohthatsabitshit · 17/03/2026 11:28

I would say “no” too, and we have significant challenges as a family with an adult dependent. Why would her parents want plastic boxes full of free magazines stored on their front driveway??? Surely you can see it would be ugly, inconvenient and add risk to their lives. As pp have suggested get him a trolley, or store them in the boot of your car and drop them for him.

WorstPaceScenario · 17/03/2026 11:29

veggietabless · 17/03/2026 11:22

Don't you think it's probably because she's a bit concerned about her parents being involved at all when you've told her so much about his struggles with MH and violence?
Rightly or wrongly I'd expect that's the issue.

This, and also potentially the worry that if something happens to the leaflets (ie they get stolen, soaked, whatever) that they may feel responsible or somehow invovled.

benten54 · 17/03/2026 11:29

’No is a complete answer’. For whatever reason they don’t want a plastic box in their drive.
I know some older people can get a little precious about their property or indeed feel stressed at having ‘ownership’ that they will feel they need to monitor or that there might be people come and going near they house.
My parents are the kindest souls but would have probably said no to this… if they did say yes it would be out of a sense of duty and somewhat under duress. My mum would have stressed about it all day and they just don’t need that.

Hatty65 · 17/03/2026 11:29

I'm assuming her she's roughly your age, which makes her parents elderly.

There is no way I'd agree to allowing a young autistic person who even his mother admits is 'violent and getting worse' to go anywhere near my parents property on a regular basis.

You say you are 'hurt'. I'd be utterly gobsmacked as your friend that you even thought this was a reasonable thing to expect me to agree to on my parents behalf. My parents don't want this level of responsibility and anxiety.

Anewerforest · 17/03/2026 11:29

If you ask anyone for a favour, you need to give them plenty of chance to refuse without offence being taken. This favour isn't that small. Not everyone wants a large plastic box in their driveway, and in this case they may be concerned about a young man who can be violent coming to their home. Maybe your friend guessed that her parents wouldn't like it and refused without asking them.