AIBU to feel hurt my friend refused a small favour?

[Redman73]

Not sure If I am being over sensitive or a CF

A bit of back ground as I feel is relevant. I have a 19 year old son living at home who is Autistic. High functioning but needs constant support and struggles with his emotions/mental health. He is often violent and this has become particularly bad over the last six months. Things at home are tough and I am very open about this with my close friends. One of my closest friends, I meet up with every week for a dog walk been friends for over 15 years.

One of the triggers for my sons decline in mental health is the fact he lost his leaflet delivery job. We have just secured him a new one which we are hoping will improve his state of mind. The new delivery route is a 15/20 mins walk away which would be fine but they are magazines so pretty heavy. He can only carry 120 at a time and the route has 800 houses. I text my friend who's parents live on the route to ask if my son could leave a plastic box on their drive, that way he could restock (rather than having to come all the way home or alternatively I would have to drive and meet him with more leaflets.) This delivery is only once a month so would only be there for a few days a month.

My friend replied that no it wouldn't be possible as there is no where to put it (Its a large driveway and garden) I was totally gobsmacked. I have a good relationship with her parents and in hindsight should have just knocked and asked them directly. I don't believe she asked them. I know that if it was the other way round I would have said yes immediately. I guess I just don't understand why you wouldn't want to help a friend. I'm not sure I can meet her this week and act like I am not upset.

Is this a reverse?
Who wants a plastic box in their driveway, being serviced by a potentially violent man?

Its a very impractical solution @Redman73 and almost certainly the stored magazines will get damaged, stolen etc, and if the company find out he is storing them outside in a tub, that would likely be instant job loss.

Get him a trolly, point out the bloody postman uses a trolley where necessary and its simply a tool for a job. It needn't be a tartan grandma shopping trolly (almost certainly wouldn't be big enough anyway), more likely plain coloured. The people he's working for may even supply one if asked.

Like this https://www.bigdug.co.uk/bigdug-folding-camping-festival-trolleys/v/BDFFT160L_1/

WOW some of these comments are wild.

Just a few points

Both my friend and her parents (who are in there early 70's) have know him since he was 3 years old we have been on holidays together etc and he has never been anything but respectful and polite around them.

Work is not a trigger for him, losing his job was a trigger.

The box I was suggesting would be small plastic box which would only need to be placed on there driveway for a few hours a day a few days a month.

I was obviously was asking more of a favour than I realised and I will suck it up and never speak about it again.

@Livelovelaughfuckoff how you describe it is exactly how my elderly mum would be. Her elderly neighbours are similar.

I’d agree with this too

I can see why they wouldn’t be keen - they’d have to have a big box on their property, accessed by a potentially violent man. That’s not fair to ask. Also, who’s responsible if it’s pinched, or damaged while left on their property.

He’d be better with a trolley that he can pull along to make it feasible.

Yes. Wheeled suitcase. or meeting him on route. or a trailer for a bike. Any of these.

This can't be the first time people have had to deliver these for the employer... what other options did they have?

It was simply too big an ask from your friend. It's clear from the comments on here that it was a much bigger ask than you actually realised when you asked your friend. It involves much more than it seems on the surface.. all the issues about what if something happens to the mags. What if the deliveries increase etc. There's no end date either.

She wasn't in a position to grant this anyway. Only her parents were a

It's not even a favour for you, its for your son and then not even for him ,but ultimately making life easier for his employer who should be the one to make the job feasible.

Edited as I've just seen your update OP.... but the overall theme of my post was to say forgive you friend and find another way to make it work.

You sound... charming.

If this is your idea of a large favour, I sincerely hope you never ask anything of anyone ever. As for the rest of your deluded rant, words fail me.

That’s your interpretation of it. But your very good friend said no, so maybe reflect on that.

You still haven’t really explained why you’re annoyed at your friend when it’s not even her house you’re talking about.

I probably wouldn’t want a plastic box of stuff sitting on my drive either really. It would become my responsibility and if it gets stolen or damaged I’d feel like I had to get involved. It’s also ugly, and would likely look like an open invitation for thieves to come on to my property and have a look. And your son is prone to violence. Just because it’s only in your home, that doesn’t mean your friends will want him turning up at their elderly parents’ homes, potentially being agitated if the box had been nicked or whatever.

Also, it’s not even necessary. Your son could use a trolley like a postie would. He just chooses not to because for some reason he thinks it’s embarrassing. That’s very much his problem and not one you should be enlisting your friends and their parents to solve for him.

That is reassuring but perhaps the friend and her parents don't understand this.

100% this

she is protecting her elderly parents

If it's only once a month, is it really such a big deal for you to drive and meet him halfway?

I wouldn't want a random box on my drive for several days and nor would I want my parents having a teenager on their drive who could be violent!

Where would the box be stored when not used? Who would take delivery of the leaflets? What happens if some go missing?

Or maybe they have reasonable concerns about him potentially having an autistic meltdown on their property if something has gone wrong, such as the magazines having been stolen or damaged?

Now you’re trying to down play it though, the box can’t be small but also contain so many leaflets that he couldn’t possible take it with him.
If it’s there for a few hours a day for several days who’s picking it up and dropping it off so many times?

My response would be ok but at own risk. If the leaflets get wet or stolen its not my problem.

For many years I worked as a Census Officer delivering and collecting census forms, which are very heavy. I dont drive so had no car to leave them in. The answer was a pull along shopping trolly. Could your son not use something like that? Or a small case on wheels if he thinks a shopping trolly is a bit mumsy.

Seems a bit strange to ask your friend if you can when it's not even her house and she doesn't live there? 😕
Surely it's up to her parents who do!
They might have said no for any manner of reasons. Not necessarily a snub to hurt you.

@Redman73 before I'd have even asked my friend for the favour, I'd have explored all the possible ways I, personally, could have supported my son.

A leaflet drop is generally local, could you meet him, part way, to replenish the booklets, without imposing on others?

It may not seem a big ask from your perspective but your friend does not hold your view, he is not her son.

Are you prepared to lose her friendship because you feel hurt?

That's your only decision here.

It is not what people want on their driveway really - amongst other things - random nosey passers by may be curious and ''lured'' by it and come onto the property, which may bother the house owners . You can get strong plastic crates on wheels - Amazon have a few for about £20.

small plastic box which would only need to be placed on there driveway for a few hours a day a few days a month.

The 'small' and the 'which would only need'... is you minimising because it then goes on to be 'a few hours a day a few days a month'. Which could easily be flipped without the minimising into a plastic box which will be there for several hours a day several times a month. You're downplaying it in your head because it's what you want, but someone on the other end of it is hearing that this is going to be at least a weekly intrusion into their lives that they have no control over. I find even the windowcleaner coming once a month to be a pain in the ass and that's someone I'm paying to be there for something I want to happen, but it comes around fast and is someone coming out of the blue and I suck it up to get clean windows. I wouldn't want your lad doing this way more often at random.

The suitcase solution makes loads more sense, or you going with him in car and storing the magazines for him, seeing as it's only a few hours a day a few hours a month. Or is that actually too much to ask and annoying/inconvenient for you?

You were taking the piss to ask. And you are out of order to be indignant at the refusal. I can smell the entitlement from
here.

Why on earth should your friend’s elderly parents offer storage facilities on their property to a young man they don’t even know, and who, by your own account, is violent? I wouldn’t let someone like that within a mile of my elderly parents.

Your son’s leaflet round is his problem to manage, and yours if you wish to molly-coddle him. If I was your friend, I would be the one ditching YOU, you’re a CF.

Gawd. I worked for companies that delivered leaflets and marketing stuff before and there was a driver with the bundles and and they'd replenish the staff when they'd run out.
And give trolleys to carry things in if there's loads of it.
Maybe I was just lucky?

This. My parents would have been very unhappy about it .

This is a very balanced approach. I also have a son with ASD and I am definitely guilty of trying to make his life easier rather than let him figure some things out, within reason. I am trying to change this, but do get thrown by his low mood (he doesn’t have meltdowns, he’s more inclined to shut down.) But I can see that I’m possibly part of the problem. Your post is both practical and caring. I hope the OP has read it in all the sea of unhelpful, ableist comments here.