AIBU to feel hurt my friend refused a small favour?

[Redman73]

Not sure If I am being over sensitive or a CF

A bit of back ground as I feel is relevant. I have a 19 year old son living at home who is Autistic. High functioning but needs constant support and struggles with his emotions/mental health. He is often violent and this has become particularly bad over the last six months. Things at home are tough and I am very open about this with my close friends. One of my closest friends, I meet up with every week for a dog walk been friends for over 15 years.

One of the triggers for my sons decline in mental health is the fact he lost his leaflet delivery job. We have just secured him a new one which we are hoping will improve his state of mind. The new delivery route is a 15/20 mins walk away which would be fine but they are magazines so pretty heavy. He can only carry 120 at a time and the route has 800 houses. I text my friend who's parents live on the route to ask if my son could leave a plastic box on their drive, that way he could restock (rather than having to come all the way home or alternatively I would have to drive and meet him with more leaflets.) This delivery is only once a month so would only be there for a few days a month.

My friend replied that no it wouldn't be possible as there is no where to put it (Its a large driveway and garden) I was totally gobsmacked. I have a good relationship with her parents and in hindsight should have just knocked and asked them directly. I don't believe she asked them. I know that if it was the other way round I would have said yes immediately. I guess I just don't understand why you wouldn't want to help a friend. I'm not sure I can meet her this week and act like I am not upset.

Do you get how big a favour you're asking? And it's not even using your friend's place, you want to use her elderly parents' driveway for storage for days every month. They'd have to take delivery of 800 magazines. That's going to take up a lot of space. What if the delivery person dumps them in a spot that blocks the drive? Are you going to go over and move them? What if the bins open in bad weather and the contents destroyed or blown around littering their neighbourhood? Or they get stolen?

They're also unsightly. I don't think you thought this through before asking such a big favour as free storage and getting upset that you were told no.

And what if your son got triggered and got violent there?

Your friend's parents don't owe you anything and that's kind of how you're coming across.

Sorry just to be clear, he has never been to violent to anyone outside of our home it is only during an Autistic meltdowns. Of course I would not ask anyone to help or be near him if I thought they would be a risk.

Well if he thinks using a trolley is embarrassing he’ll have to just carry the magazines or whatever they are then!
You weren’t unreasonable to ask a question but you’re very unreasonable to be cross when they’ve said no!

No need to be so viscious, wind your neck in.

Why do you assume they’re going to take delivery? Wouldn’t DS just drop off a batch in OP’s car?

I think it’s a very big ask actually. Most people wouldn’t want to agreed to having that on their property for a few days a month. And that’s without getting into whether your son may be violent or not. You need to just accept the response you have been given and move on.

You might not think he's a risk but they probably do.

Though you’ve just reminded me of a kid who did a paper round in the village we used to live in, with his mother driving a few feet behind his bike.

If @Redman73 can drop them off then she can take them to him on his route.

You shouldn’t have asked this anyway. Why do you think this is someone else’s problem to solve. It’s your kid. It’s his job. He can carry all the stock he needs in a festival trolley. But because he is embarrassed, you want to make it someone else’s responsibility? Again, tell him to grow up but I’m concerned that you need to think he is totally reasonable to refuse to use a trolley and your friend is actually the one in the wrong for say he can’t use her parents drive. Do you genuinely think your friend is wrong rather than your son?

So you can predict when he will have a meltdown?

Yes, but you’ve been upfront with your friend about his violence, and this will have almost certainly factored into her decision, or that of her parents.

The zoo is quite happy to be angry at her friend and to start a thread to bitch behind her back, when her friend hasn’t done anything wrong. She just doesn’t want her parent’s dragged into this situation.

She might not have wanted to make them uncomfortable by asking anything. Maybe if it were her property she'd say yes but it's not.

Your friend may very well have felt like I would ( annd I’m in my sixties) and said yes if it were on her own property but not wanted it on her parents property . There is no way I would even ask my mum who’s in her 80’s with limited mobility who has too much time on her hands to fret about minor things to the point that they cause her massive anxiety I would just say no and expect you to accept that. That’s even before the issue of potential violence, your friend would never put the employment of your son ahead of the welfare of her older parents and you were mistaken in thinking that she would.

You've asked for a massive favour, not a small one, and on an ongoing basis. They are quite within their rights to refuse, and you are completely unreasonable to take offense to that.

You don't know your friend's reasons (misplaced concern? Well-placed concern? Knowledge that her parents wouldn't consider it? Her parents facing difficulties you don't know about?)

Given she's generally a good friend to you, I think you need to give the benefit of the doubt and not hold this against her.

Your son could split each delivery into 6 loads to make it easier to carrier, and use a padded backpack with supportive waist and chestbands. Then over the three days he could do two deliveries a day.

Or you could look up a variety of pull- along bags or wagons that might be more acceptable to him than a "granny" shopping trolley.

You say you are close to friend and have shared a lot. Whilst he’s only been violent in your home so far you’ve said yourself it’s getting worse. If he turns up and his leaflets are soggy and unusable as box has cracked/lid been knocked you don’t know how he would react. I can understand why your friend knowing what you’ve said to her about him would think I don’t want my parents involved.

I know you said he would freak or think a trolley is stupid, but how about a wheelie backpack to store the leaflets, and a cross body man bag/messenger satchel to keep a certain amount at a time. So many people use wheelies nowadays and a backpack on wheels can be put on his back when it's empty. I think you might have to encourage a bit of self sufficiency here, although I am well aware that it might be a struggle.

YABU, you asked they said no, end of discussion.

I wouldn't like a random man wandering round the front of my house/garden and I certainly wouldn't be offering up the use of my elderly parents house.

No doubt this would also turn into him knocking the door and asking to use their toilet during his route as well?

I can see why the friend just wouldn’t want her parents involved with a teen who gets violent when work doesn’t go his way.

What a nasty post. He's a young adult with autism & MH problems.

She was asking to leave a box on their driveway. Not for him to move in & WFH.
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I agree that op shouldn't have asked but your responses on here are absolutely vile and abelist bullshite,, you're the only one that needs to grow up.

No.
You need a different solution agreed with the leaflet people.
You cannot involve other people on this